12.11.2007
UC
Well, as most of you who actually read this blog know, I got into University of Cincinnati! The acceptance letter was shocking and very unexpected, mostly because of how early it was! I could start in January, but by a miracle from heaven I was able to defer my acceptance until the end of March! So I will be able to wait and hear from the other schools I applied to before making a decision. It is SUCH a good feeling to know that I am going somewhere in the fall!
12.10.2007
I.HATE.MY.JOB.
Every day when I wake up, I feel physical pain knowing that I have to come in for another day of work.
At the end of each day I feel belittled, stressed, not good enough, dumbed down, and worthless.
I wish more than anything that I left this place out of my resume and graduate school applications...then I would have nothing to lose if I just quit. Its so hard knowing that I have the power to quit and get out of this, but I know I cant.
Not yet.
I know not everyone LOVES their jobs, but I don't think I'm supposed to hate it this much. I have had many, many jobs, some good, and some bad...but none that I've felt like this. What was I thinking working here??
I don't mean to be all "woe is me" and I'm not saying that everyone else has jobs they love but me, but this is my place to vent, right?
I am trying to stay until I hear from school. It can't come soon enough. At this point, getting into school isn't even my top priority...getting OUT of here is!
At the end of each day I feel belittled, stressed, not good enough, dumbed down, and worthless.
I wish more than anything that I left this place out of my resume and graduate school applications...then I would have nothing to lose if I just quit. Its so hard knowing that I have the power to quit and get out of this, but I know I cant.
Not yet.
I know not everyone LOVES their jobs, but I don't think I'm supposed to hate it this much. I have had many, many jobs, some good, and some bad...but none that I've felt like this. What was I thinking working here??
I don't mean to be all "woe is me" and I'm not saying that everyone else has jobs they love but me, but this is my place to vent, right?
I am trying to stay until I hear from school. It can't come soon enough. At this point, getting into school isn't even my top priority...getting OUT of here is!
12.06.2007
Doubts
I've really, really been struggling with doubts lately. I know its normal-I know its good even, but I don't like it at all. Its actually pretty scary. Its like nothing that I've been taught/told/spoonfed my whole life makes sense at all, when I really think about it. Obviously, thats where faith comes in...but I think my faith is on vacation right now or something.
The worst part is that I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. At all. I want to be back in God's arms where I can feel Him around me, and know without a doubt that He's there. How come my desire isn't strong enough to overrule my doubt?
The worst part is that I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. At all. I want to be back in God's arms where I can feel Him around me, and know without a doubt that He's there. How come my desire isn't strong enough to overrule my doubt?
11.30.2007
Sniffles
I've been sick since Thanksgiving, so about a week now. I took my first sick day yesterday. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I was feeling pretty crappy. And I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection, which is really annoying, because that means I have to get a prescription for an antibiotic somehow. Good thing I work with a bunch of doctors!! :)
I've been thinking a lot about the future year or two lately. (Whats new?) Like I said a few posts ago, I am really trying to work on living in the here and now, and not "worrying about tomorrow." It is so hard though, when I have applications and living situations just floating around in the air until the springtime, when hard decisions can be made. And even then...will the decision be made for me based on acceptances/declinations, or will I actually have to make a decision? Thinking about the possibility of moving on soon is really the only thing that gets me through the work day though...where I feel like a doormat. Someday it won't be like this. Being patient is hard!
I've been thinking a lot about the future year or two lately. (Whats new?) Like I said a few posts ago, I am really trying to work on living in the here and now, and not "worrying about tomorrow." It is so hard though, when I have applications and living situations just floating around in the air until the springtime, when hard decisions can be made. And even then...will the decision be made for me based on acceptances/declinations, or will I actually have to make a decision? Thinking about the possibility of moving on soon is really the only thing that gets me through the work day though...where I feel like a doormat. Someday it won't be like this. Being patient is hard!
11.26.2007
Turkey
Thanksgiving was awesome. Jay and I went to my mom's house in Ohio- and drove there for the first time. It was a 7 hour drive, but it wasn't too bad. It was worth it to not have to spend the money on plane tickets! The weekend was relaxing, and everything Thanksgiving should be. I really miss having my mom around all the time. We were both very sad to leave.
Going back to "real life" after holidays is the worst. Jay and I are both getting sick, which didn't help us get up this morning either. And then I got pulled over on the way to work today. (Oops!!) For some reason, I have a huge issue with school zones. I dont know why! I almost always get the scary feirce whistle blown at me and the demeaning "finger point" by the crossing guard every time I go through one. I guess I just zone out when I drive and I don't notice its a school zone until I hear the whistle. Well today, lucky for me, there was a cop driving the opposite direction when I flew through a school zone by my work at 30 miles per hour. Needless to say, I got pulled over and got this huge lecture that I should be going to jail, etc. At least I didn't get a ticket!
Going back to "real life" after holidays is the worst. Jay and I are both getting sick, which didn't help us get up this morning either. And then I got pulled over on the way to work today. (Oops!!) For some reason, I have a huge issue with school zones. I dont know why! I almost always get the scary feirce whistle blown at me and the demeaning "finger point" by the crossing guard every time I go through one. I guess I just zone out when I drive and I don't notice its a school zone until I hear the whistle. Well today, lucky for me, there was a cop driving the opposite direction when I flew through a school zone by my work at 30 miles per hour. Needless to say, I got pulled over and got this huge lecture that I should be going to jail, etc. At least I didn't get a ticket!
11.13.2007
work and such.
My week after the lonely, broken-things weekend has not been much better. I really don't have a reason why, except that I'm an intuitive girl (or just a regular girl...)and I can tell that my emotions are not where they usually are. I don't like it when Jay is gone-I've gotten so spoiled by having him around me all the time. It has been good-I found out that I CAN live alone if I have to (not that I would want to!), and I can take care of myself and be alone. I was starting to get scared after the weekend that I had lost my independence and self-sufficience after a year of marriage. I haven't. I guess I just forgot what it was like since my husband takes such great care of me! He might come home tomorrow, which I am pretty excited about. Its just hard to be in a new place without your parner in crime! (What am I saying? We're way too lame for crime! This is spoken from the two who like to scrapbook and go to bed at 9:30...)
Anyways, I seriously came to a point at work today when I thought I was going to quit for real. And to be honest, the only thing holding me back is that I JUST had my boss write a recommendation for Vanderbilt, and put her as a reference on my resume which I sent to all 3 schools. If I quit, she probably would not give me as good of a reference, if a good one at all! And thats a big deal, because the reason I took this job was to be able to put it on my resume and show off that I worked with OB/GYNs...to look good for schools and future jobs. So I can't really blow it here. I am telling myself that I have to at least stay until I find out if I get into school or not, which should be around Feb/March. Then, based on which (if any) school(s) I get into, I will have a lot of decisions to make, my employment being one of them. I just have to hang on until then. It is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! At least the holidays/time off are coming up. That will help.
Anyways, I seriously came to a point at work today when I thought I was going to quit for real. And to be honest, the only thing holding me back is that I JUST had my boss write a recommendation for Vanderbilt, and put her as a reference on my resume which I sent to all 3 schools. If I quit, she probably would not give me as good of a reference, if a good one at all! And thats a big deal, because the reason I took this job was to be able to put it on my resume and show off that I worked with OB/GYNs...to look good for schools and future jobs. So I can't really blow it here. I am telling myself that I have to at least stay until I find out if I get into school or not, which should be around Feb/March. Then, based on which (if any) school(s) I get into, I will have a lot of decisions to make, my employment being one of them. I just have to hang on until then. It is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! At least the holidays/time off are coming up. That will help.
11.10.2007
Ironic Weekend
Jay is in Boston this weekend. He is having am amazing weekend, and I am having a not-so-amazing weekend. Figures!
Jay's weekend has been filled with amazing restaurants, family, friends and relaxation. Not to mention that he gets to soothe his homesickness, if only for a weekend.
I, on the other hand, have taken Trot to the vet twice (for two different problems, involving 4 different medications and over $350 dollars....), my digital camera broke (if you have seen how many facebook albums I have, you know how big of a problem this is for me), and of course, I have no plans and am sitting bored in the apartment.
After Trot threw up all over his bedding last night (I was up with him for about an hour in the middle of the night), I decided to put a load of wash in the washing machine. About a half hour later, the kitchen floor was filled with water. Great. Another expensive problem to fix.
This morning, I had a guy come over to tune the piano. (I am starting to give piano lessons next week and our piano is in shambles.) He did a great job, but of course Trot decided to poop right in front of him. I don't even know if he saw, but the smell was horrendous, and I was so embarrassed. Trot tends to do that at the worst times imaginable.
This afternoon, I thought I'd go to Wal-Mart, just to browse around, take my mind off of the weekend I'm having so far. Of course I go to the one in the ghetto part of town (one of the many) where there are only rude, foreigners that don't speak english everywhere. I go over to look at the digital cameras (just to look, we don't even come close to being able to afford one right now) and there is this kid who has decided that he wants to touch every single camera, even if I am standing right in front of it. I would go to the other end to look, and he would come over and squeeze in between me and the cameras. I finally sighed loudly and gave up and walked out of the store. It was way too crowded and I just wanted to go home.
But did I get home? No. In true Kara style, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the opposite side of the city. I eventually found my way to a highway, and an hour later I got home.
Its not really even the little annoying things that keep going wrong this weekend that is making it horrible for me. Its the fact that this is the first time that Jay and I have been apart since we've been living in Nashville. Its funny when you're married, and you don't realize how much you are dependent on the other person until they leave for a weekend or something. I don't like being alone, after being so used to having my best friend with me all the time.
But at least in MA I could call up one of my friends to hang out with while Jay's away. I miss them all so much. I talked to Meghan on the phone today about bridesmaid dresses, and I wanted more than anything to have been with her today while she went to look at them. I feel hopeless...and it makes me wonder why we moved here at all. Obviously there were reasons, and its not that I regret the decision, but its just hard. And especially when I find myself alone in a city that I don't know, with people I don't know, with a broken camera, sick dog, and broken washing machine.
On a GOOD note, I finally sent my applications yesterday. More on that when I'm in a better mood. Otherwise I'll just go off about how I'm not going to get in....
Jay's weekend has been filled with amazing restaurants, family, friends and relaxation. Not to mention that he gets to soothe his homesickness, if only for a weekend.
I, on the other hand, have taken Trot to the vet twice (for two different problems, involving 4 different medications and over $350 dollars....), my digital camera broke (if you have seen how many facebook albums I have, you know how big of a problem this is for me), and of course, I have no plans and am sitting bored in the apartment.
After Trot threw up all over his bedding last night (I was up with him for about an hour in the middle of the night), I decided to put a load of wash in the washing machine. About a half hour later, the kitchen floor was filled with water. Great. Another expensive problem to fix.
This morning, I had a guy come over to tune the piano. (I am starting to give piano lessons next week and our piano is in shambles.) He did a great job, but of course Trot decided to poop right in front of him. I don't even know if he saw, but the smell was horrendous, and I was so embarrassed. Trot tends to do that at the worst times imaginable.
This afternoon, I thought I'd go to Wal-Mart, just to browse around, take my mind off of the weekend I'm having so far. Of course I go to the one in the ghetto part of town (one of the many) where there are only rude, foreigners that don't speak english everywhere. I go over to look at the digital cameras (just to look, we don't even come close to being able to afford one right now) and there is this kid who has decided that he wants to touch every single camera, even if I am standing right in front of it. I would go to the other end to look, and he would come over and squeeze in between me and the cameras. I finally sighed loudly and gave up and walked out of the store. It was way too crowded and I just wanted to go home.
But did I get home? No. In true Kara style, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the opposite side of the city. I eventually found my way to a highway, and an hour later I got home.
Its not really even the little annoying things that keep going wrong this weekend that is making it horrible for me. Its the fact that this is the first time that Jay and I have been apart since we've been living in Nashville. Its funny when you're married, and you don't realize how much you are dependent on the other person until they leave for a weekend or something. I don't like being alone, after being so used to having my best friend with me all the time.
But at least in MA I could call up one of my friends to hang out with while Jay's away. I miss them all so much. I talked to Meghan on the phone today about bridesmaid dresses, and I wanted more than anything to have been with her today while she went to look at them. I feel hopeless...and it makes me wonder why we moved here at all. Obviously there were reasons, and its not that I regret the decision, but its just hard. And especially when I find myself alone in a city that I don't know, with people I don't know, with a broken camera, sick dog, and broken washing machine.
On a GOOD note, I finally sent my applications yesterday. More on that when I'm in a better mood. Otherwise I'll just go off about how I'm not going to get in....
11.07.2007
Amazing.
From Today's "My Utomost for His Highest":
"Am I making the Holy Spirit’s work difficult by being vague and unsure, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession— utilizing the circumstances in which I find myself and the people who surround me."
This perfectly sums up my recent feelings about "letting go and letting God". I love how they are sure to include that we must still do the "human side", because we're naiive to think that we can sit back and relax while God does all the work. We need to allow him to move THROUGH us, not INSTEAD of us. as Jay's favorite saying goes "Do you best, and God will do the rest".
I apologize for all the cheesy christian cliches I used in this entry, but they just seem to fit sometimes... :)
"Am I making the Holy Spirit’s work difficult by being vague and unsure, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession— utilizing the circumstances in which I find myself and the people who surround me."
This perfectly sums up my recent feelings about "letting go and letting God". I love how they are sure to include that we must still do the "human side", because we're naiive to think that we can sit back and relax while God does all the work. We need to allow him to move THROUGH us, not INSTEAD of us. as Jay's favorite saying goes "Do you best, and God will do the rest".
I apologize for all the cheesy christian cliches I used in this entry, but they just seem to fit sometimes... :)
11.06.2007
I'm addicted.
I realized that I'm addicted to "newness". Not exactly new THINGS, not exactly CHANGE, but newness. Whether its having new things, a new job, a life change, whatever...I'm addicted. I think thats where I get my drive from. I am always looking to the future because I'm always craving new changes. Whether its something as small as adding an application on my facebook (yeah... I'm a loser!)or moving across the country to purse grad school, I have to constantly be changing something, or I'm unhappy. My worst fear is to be in a rut...without having anything to work for, or look forward to.
I need to strive to find the peace to be happy, with where I am and what I have. I know its something I need to pray about, and let God work on me. I don't think it is always a bad thing (i.e. being driven in my future, career plans and grad school plans is not necessarily a bad thing) but I need to learn to let go, let God, and be happy with where I am.
I think it might be easier said than done.
I need to strive to find the peace to be happy, with where I am and what I have. I know its something I need to pray about, and let God work on me. I don't think it is always a bad thing (i.e. being driven in my future, career plans and grad school plans is not necessarily a bad thing) but I need to learn to let go, let God, and be happy with where I am.
I think it might be easier said than done.
11.05.2007
Its time!
Last night I officially printed out my essays for the three grad schools I'm applying to. Finally, after months of writing, editing, (and friends constantly editing), I finished them and printed them out. It was kind of scary- printing and sending them means I don't have control over them anymore. I can't just go back into the computer and change a line, or add anything anymore. They're done and ready to go!
I am hoping to send my completed applications this week...after I recieve a couple more letters of recommendation that I'm waiting for. It is crazy how much work and time has gone into such a simple small envelope. I think I would cry if they ever got lost or destroyed somehow. I can't wait to be done with them though-then its just a waiting game.
*sigh*
I am hoping to send my completed applications this week...after I recieve a couple more letters of recommendation that I'm waiting for. It is crazy how much work and time has gone into such a simple small envelope. I think I would cry if they ever got lost or destroyed somehow. I can't wait to be done with them though-then its just a waiting game.
*sigh*
10.29.2007
One Year
Wow...yesterday marked one year that Jay and I have been married. I can't believe it. I smiled as I looked back to what I was doing a year ago-I was so excited for my wedding, and was surrounded by friends and family. It was wonderful! This year I have so much more to celebrate, as I look back on the amazing, trying, difficult at times, rewarding year of marriage we've had. It has truly been a blessing, a learning experience and a humbling year for me, and I wouldn't change a second of it!
I have the best husband in the world, and I am soooo thankful.
Yesterday was probably an un-toppable anniversary. We are kind of low on cash flow, so we knew we couldn't do anything extravagant, but we had so much fun. We woke up, and exchanged cards/gifts-Jay gave me the sweetest card ever and two books that I've been wanting to read. He also got me season 2 of full house! I was really excited. Haha! I made him a DVD slideshow of our past year together.
After we slowly ate breakfast and took showers, we went to Gentry's Farm in Franklin, TN, which was a pumpkin farm. We walked down a nature trail, went through a hay maze and bought pumpkins to carve later. After walking through the Cool Springs Mall for a little while and going to Friday's for dinner, we finally went home for the big red sox game. During the game, we carved our pumpkins. I made mine into a cat and Jay made his a wierd mean face that is really funny. (I have pics on facebook FYI) We named them "Red" and "Sox." How cute.
So needless to say...the best anniversary gift was given when the Sox won the World Series for us! (At least for Jay!) It was a pretty amazing day. It made us even more bummed to have to start another work week, but it was nice to get away from reality for a day and enjoy each other's company while reflecting on the first year of marriage behind us.
I have the best husband in the world, and I am soooo thankful.
Yesterday was probably an un-toppable anniversary. We are kind of low on cash flow, so we knew we couldn't do anything extravagant, but we had so much fun. We woke up, and exchanged cards/gifts-Jay gave me the sweetest card ever and two books that I've been wanting to read. He also got me season 2 of full house! I was really excited. Haha! I made him a DVD slideshow of our past year together.
After we slowly ate breakfast and took showers, we went to Gentry's Farm in Franklin, TN, which was a pumpkin farm. We walked down a nature trail, went through a hay maze and bought pumpkins to carve later. After walking through the Cool Springs Mall for a little while and going to Friday's for dinner, we finally went home for the big red sox game. During the game, we carved our pumpkins. I made mine into a cat and Jay made his a wierd mean face that is really funny. (I have pics on facebook FYI) We named them "Red" and "Sox." How cute.
So needless to say...the best anniversary gift was given when the Sox won the World Series for us! (At least for Jay!) It was a pretty amazing day. It made us even more bummed to have to start another work week, but it was nice to get away from reality for a day and enjoy each other's company while reflecting on the first year of marriage behind us.
10.26.2007
Oh, the Irony
Funny Story.
So, you know how you can tell if someone is not from Quincy, MA by the way they say "Quincy". I always would laugh at people when they pronounced it "Quin-see" instead of "Quin-zee" because NOBODY who actually knew of or lived in Quincy called it "Quin-see." Just the way it is.
There is a doctor who works here whose name is Quincy. I said his name to a co-worker today as "Quin-zee" and she promptly corrected me that it is pronouced "Quin-see."
I just smiled to myself, thinking "I think I know how to pronounce Quincy!!" But apparently this guy likes to say his own name wrong.
Oh well, suit yourself I guess!
So, you know how you can tell if someone is not from Quincy, MA by the way they say "Quincy". I always would laugh at people when they pronounced it "Quin-see" instead of "Quin-zee" because NOBODY who actually knew of or lived in Quincy called it "Quin-see." Just the way it is.
There is a doctor who works here whose name is Quincy. I said his name to a co-worker today as "Quin-zee" and she promptly corrected me that it is pronouced "Quin-see."
I just smiled to myself, thinking "I think I know how to pronounce Quincy!!" But apparently this guy likes to say his own name wrong.
Oh well, suit yourself I guess!
10.18.2007
Hello, my name is Doormat
Its not even 10am yet, and already today I've recieved 3 groups of travel receipts that I need to do a reimbursement for, answered 10 emails, written 10 more emails, gotten 20 things to put on my task list for the day, put contact information from random collected business cards into my boss' contacts....oh, and written a personal thank you card to send FROM my boss. Ever seen "the devil wears prada"? Well, thats me. Except my boss is a whole lot nicer than that lady. Thank goodness.
I always thought I would love being a secretary. And I actually do like it-most of the time. I love to be organized and keep people on schedule and on task, but I hate being a doormat. And thats what secretaries are. Always. Its really too bad, because secretaries are the ones who do all the work. The boss' run from meeting to meeting, making business contacts, speaking, lecturing, whatever....but secretaries are the ones who write the recommendation letters, who schedule meetings, keep minutes, fix things, type things, and sometimes even pour the coffee. (Thankfully not in my case.) Example: My boss often comes to me asking me to fix her computer, her printer, her file cabinet, etc. Often, its a simple push of a button that does the job, and when it takes more than that, it is usually pretty simple to figure out, or at least find the solution somehow. How is it that the educated people of the world get off doing nothing, and the "bottom feeders", so to speak, are the ones who end up having a vast knowledge about computers, the internet, and an array of other topics, mainly because they have to? Its pretty ironic to me.
Anyways, enough on that.
Emily, promise me you won't do this to people when you become a doctor!
I am ready to go to school. And learn. And get a job that I feel like I was born to do. Why does it seem SO far away? I am stuck in the secretary rut until then I'm afraid...
I always thought I would love being a secretary. And I actually do like it-most of the time. I love to be organized and keep people on schedule and on task, but I hate being a doormat. And thats what secretaries are. Always. Its really too bad, because secretaries are the ones who do all the work. The boss' run from meeting to meeting, making business contacts, speaking, lecturing, whatever....but secretaries are the ones who write the recommendation letters, who schedule meetings, keep minutes, fix things, type things, and sometimes even pour the coffee. (Thankfully not in my case.) Example: My boss often comes to me asking me to fix her computer, her printer, her file cabinet, etc. Often, its a simple push of a button that does the job, and when it takes more than that, it is usually pretty simple to figure out, or at least find the solution somehow. How is it that the educated people of the world get off doing nothing, and the "bottom feeders", so to speak, are the ones who end up having a vast knowledge about computers, the internet, and an array of other topics, mainly because they have to? Its pretty ironic to me.
Anyways, enough on that.
Emily, promise me you won't do this to people when you become a doctor!
I am ready to go to school. And learn. And get a job that I feel like I was born to do. Why does it seem SO far away? I am stuck in the secretary rut until then I'm afraid...
10.15.2007
Church?
I have been struggling with the idea of "church" lately. Since moving to Nashville, I was faced for the first time in my life with the decision of CHOOSING a church. It is a strange concept to me, since I had always just gone where my parents went, but now Jay and I have been cut loose from our church obligations that we had in Duxbury and are free to find a place where we feel we can truly connect.
Its not that I disliked or had anything against the churches in my past, but they haven't really hit the mark for me with struggles I'm having, or ideas and thoughts that have been floating around in my head. I struggle with the fact that there are so many churches out there- so many different denominations and sets of rules and regulations. Are we not all worshipping the same God and working toward the same goals? Lately, I have come to think of it a different way, however. I'm realizing that there are so many churches because everyone is different. Nobody worships in the same way. Everyone's styles are different and what draws one to feel the closeness of God may not work the same way for another.
So should we not search out a church that makes us feel passion for following God and doing His will? Some desire the ritualistic nature of more conservative churches, and heavily feel his presence in sacraments and reverent hymns. And thats cool. However, I have a hard time relating to churches like that. Churches where you sit, stand, sit, stand, fold your hands and pray, hymn, take communion in an orderly fashion, sit quitely while listening to the message, stand, leave. I need a church where I feel alive and energized by the worship. A church that does not worry about staying inside a bubble of rules and regulations. A church that I truly feel God bringing my spirit back to life week after week. A church thats main goal is to help the undeserved and underpriviledged. A church that inspires me to live as Jesus did, and where nothing else matters. Is that too liberal of me?
I just feel that I have reached a point in my life, where I need to make a decision. Either to stay inside my comfortable zone in a familiar church, or reach out and strive to be where I feel I need to be.
Its not that I disliked or had anything against the churches in my past, but they haven't really hit the mark for me with struggles I'm having, or ideas and thoughts that have been floating around in my head. I struggle with the fact that there are so many churches out there- so many different denominations and sets of rules and regulations. Are we not all worshipping the same God and working toward the same goals? Lately, I have come to think of it a different way, however. I'm realizing that there are so many churches because everyone is different. Nobody worships in the same way. Everyone's styles are different and what draws one to feel the closeness of God may not work the same way for another.
So should we not search out a church that makes us feel passion for following God and doing His will? Some desire the ritualistic nature of more conservative churches, and heavily feel his presence in sacraments and reverent hymns. And thats cool. However, I have a hard time relating to churches like that. Churches where you sit, stand, sit, stand, fold your hands and pray, hymn, take communion in an orderly fashion, sit quitely while listening to the message, stand, leave. I need a church where I feel alive and energized by the worship. A church that does not worry about staying inside a bubble of rules and regulations. A church that I truly feel God bringing my spirit back to life week after week. A church thats main goal is to help the undeserved and underpriviledged. A church that inspires me to live as Jesus did, and where nothing else matters. Is that too liberal of me?
I just feel that I have reached a point in my life, where I need to make a decision. Either to stay inside my comfortable zone in a familiar church, or reach out and strive to be where I feel I need to be.
10.12.2007
10.05.2007
How did it get to be October?
Fall is really the only season I ever liked in New England...and I kind of miss it! It pretty much doesn't really exist here in Nashville...the trees changing pretty colors, the crisp air, apple picking, etc. The kids around here probably don't need to trick-or-treat in snowpants like my mom used to make me. Ha!
It really blows my mind that its already October...not just because of the weather, but because I can't believe how fast a year has flown by. This time last year, I was giddy with excitment that my wedding was THIS MONTH, and was getting ready to take a long vacation from work! Since then, I've gotten a dog, quit my jobs, gotten a new one, moved from Quincy to Duxbury to Nashville, been to a number of weddings and states, not to mention a lot of other small things. Its crazy how much can change in a year. And a scary thought to realize that the same amount could change in the next year. Don't get me wrong...I like change. I just feel like a lot of it has been happening in the past couple of years, and I think I'm ready for some consistency for a while.
It really blows my mind that its already October...not just because of the weather, but because I can't believe how fast a year has flown by. This time last year, I was giddy with excitment that my wedding was THIS MONTH, and was getting ready to take a long vacation from work! Since then, I've gotten a dog, quit my jobs, gotten a new one, moved from Quincy to Duxbury to Nashville, been to a number of weddings and states, not to mention a lot of other small things. Its crazy how much can change in a year. And a scary thought to realize that the same amount could change in the next year. Don't get me wrong...I like change. I just feel like a lot of it has been happening in the past couple of years, and I think I'm ready for some consistency for a while.
9.28.2007
A little too morbid?
I've always been a little morbid. My cousin, Missy, always tells me the story about how once, when she was babysitting me around Christmastime, I was playing with the nativity scene my mom had on top of the piano. There were all kinds of animals in this scene, including a dog for some reason, which was my favorite, of course. Apparently I found Missy to tell her about what I had been doing. I matter-of-factly told her... "The dog is Mary's helper. If the dog barks 1 time, Mary's hungry. If the dog barks 3 times, Mary's thirsty. If the dog barks 3 times, Mary's tired. If the dog barks 4 times, Mary needs help taking care of baby Jesus. If the dog barks 5 times.....MARY'S DEAD."
Humorous, yes. However, leave it to me to turn a joyous celebration of the birth of our Saviour into a morbid situation at 5 years of age. Go figure...
Anyways, it hasn't really changed much as I've gotten older. I find myself thinking about death a lot. Not at all in a "I-want-to-kill-somebody" way, more in a pensive, soul-searching way. I often wonder where the line is between living each day like it is your last, and planning for the future. Or the line between always tying up loose ends, forgiving and loving your dear ones, in case you may never see them again, and living in paranoia every day that they might be taken away from you.
I'd like to think that I am not naive and ignorant about death, and that I accept its reality and how it affects us all someday. I think a lot of people don't like to think about death, and never will until it hits them when a loved one dies, or when they find themselves on their deathbed. I am not afraid of death, as I have found salvation in Jesus, but I am afraid of Satan's grip on death. So often he uses it to pull people away from the Lord in their grief.
I always wonder if my death will be a peaceful or tragic one. It will be a mystery until it happens. I find it to be selfish to not allow yourself to ever think about yourself dying someday, for your family and friends. It is very important to me that my family is taken care of when I die, as funerals, etc. can be SO expensive. It is important for your family to know your wishes so that they don't have stress to add to their grief. I've told Jay that I do not want a burial (I visited a funeral home in a class in college, and coffins themselves can be up to $5000!!!), instead, I want my body donated to science where it can help other people. What better way to continue helping others, even after you've passed? My body would just rot away in my expensive coffin, and for what?
Yes, maybe I am a little too morbid. I guess its just the way I am. I have never wanted to avoid death, because it is a natural event that occurs to everyone at some point or other. I'd rather embrace it, because its part of the beautiful world that God created. {Insert cheesy "Circle of Life" song here.}
Humorous, yes. However, leave it to me to turn a joyous celebration of the birth of our Saviour into a morbid situation at 5 years of age. Go figure...
Anyways, it hasn't really changed much as I've gotten older. I find myself thinking about death a lot. Not at all in a "I-want-to-kill-somebody" way, more in a pensive, soul-searching way. I often wonder where the line is between living each day like it is your last, and planning for the future. Or the line between always tying up loose ends, forgiving and loving your dear ones, in case you may never see them again, and living in paranoia every day that they might be taken away from you.
I'd like to think that I am not naive and ignorant about death, and that I accept its reality and how it affects us all someday. I think a lot of people don't like to think about death, and never will until it hits them when a loved one dies, or when they find themselves on their deathbed. I am not afraid of death, as I have found salvation in Jesus, but I am afraid of Satan's grip on death. So often he uses it to pull people away from the Lord in their grief.
I always wonder if my death will be a peaceful or tragic one. It will be a mystery until it happens. I find it to be selfish to not allow yourself to ever think about yourself dying someday, for your family and friends. It is very important to me that my family is taken care of when I die, as funerals, etc. can be SO expensive. It is important for your family to know your wishes so that they don't have stress to add to their grief. I've told Jay that I do not want a burial (I visited a funeral home in a class in college, and coffins themselves can be up to $5000!!!), instead, I want my body donated to science where it can help other people. What better way to continue helping others, even after you've passed? My body would just rot away in my expensive coffin, and for what?
Yes, maybe I am a little too morbid. I guess its just the way I am. I have never wanted to avoid death, because it is a natural event that occurs to everyone at some point or other. I'd rather embrace it, because its part of the beautiful world that God created. {Insert cheesy "Circle of Life" song here.}
9.16.2007
There's a new Mrs. Capozzi in town!
Last night James and Lauren finally tied the knot. I had the pleasure of coordinating the wedding (except for when the church coordinator from hell was there!) and was so glad to be a part of it. I don't think I have ever cried...no....BAWLED so much during a ceremony. I seriously had tears streaming down my face, to the point where Jay kept asking me what was wrong and I kept saying "Nothing! I'm just really happy!"
I just couldn't help but think of the road James and I have been down to lead us to this point in our lives. My friendship with him TRULY shows me how God works in our lives, and in situations that we can't see Him in at the time. I have never lived such a testament of His promises for us than I have through my friendship with James. When we "dated" (and I use that term loosely, since it was definitely a high school relationship and was over in the blink of an eye...haha) we had never even really met each other. It was so strange that we would be brought together, and when it was over, I gained an amazing friend in him. Our friendship grew over the years, and James became someone I could talk to about absolutely anything and everything. If I was in a bad mood, he could always cheer me up. When I went through bad boyfriends in college, he was always there. He has been a consistent friend through all of my ups and downs in life, and is like a brother to me. He has become one of my best friends, and it wasn't until recently that we realized how far God had brought us.
When I met Jay, he had been hurt before, and was really hesitant to enter into another relationship. All it took was one chat with James, who assured him I was and would always be faithful, for him to ask me out. Who knows if he would have pursued me if James hadn't talked to him!
When I met Lauren, I immediately thought of James. They had the same kind of humor, which isn't very common! When they finally hung out when Kim and I brought them together, I couldn't believe how instantly they clicked. I have never been so excited as I witnessed their amazing (but slow!) transformation from aquaintences, to two best friends who are madly in love. I couldn't ever imagine two people so perfect for each other, and I just burst with happiness that they found each other. I can't believe how God used my friendship with James to bring us both to our soul mates...to the ones who will love us and take care of us forever. Its truly amazing how everything happens for a reason!
Anyways, I had no intentions of leaving a sapfest on here, but I am just SO happy and SO blessed to witness God's presence in the marriage of James and Lauren. And I am so glad that now we live near one another! Its the first wedding in a long time that I haven't been that sad when its over, because I know I'll see them again in a week! They have been great friends to us since we've been here....our only friends so far....and its just been awesome.
Just awesome!
I just couldn't help but think of the road James and I have been down to lead us to this point in our lives. My friendship with him TRULY shows me how God works in our lives, and in situations that we can't see Him in at the time. I have never lived such a testament of His promises for us than I have through my friendship with James. When we "dated" (and I use that term loosely, since it was definitely a high school relationship and was over in the blink of an eye...haha) we had never even really met each other. It was so strange that we would be brought together, and when it was over, I gained an amazing friend in him. Our friendship grew over the years, and James became someone I could talk to about absolutely anything and everything. If I was in a bad mood, he could always cheer me up. When I went through bad boyfriends in college, he was always there. He has been a consistent friend through all of my ups and downs in life, and is like a brother to me. He has become one of my best friends, and it wasn't until recently that we realized how far God had brought us.
When I met Jay, he had been hurt before, and was really hesitant to enter into another relationship. All it took was one chat with James, who assured him I was and would always be faithful, for him to ask me out. Who knows if he would have pursued me if James hadn't talked to him!
When I met Lauren, I immediately thought of James. They had the same kind of humor, which isn't very common! When they finally hung out when Kim and I brought them together, I couldn't believe how instantly they clicked. I have never been so excited as I witnessed their amazing (but slow!) transformation from aquaintences, to two best friends who are madly in love. I couldn't ever imagine two people so perfect for each other, and I just burst with happiness that they found each other. I can't believe how God used my friendship with James to bring us both to our soul mates...to the ones who will love us and take care of us forever. Its truly amazing how everything happens for a reason!
Anyways, I had no intentions of leaving a sapfest on here, but I am just SO happy and SO blessed to witness God's presence in the marriage of James and Lauren. And I am so glad that now we live near one another! Its the first wedding in a long time that I haven't been that sad when its over, because I know I'll see them again in a week! They have been great friends to us since we've been here....our only friends so far....and its just been awesome.
Just awesome!
9.13.2007
The difference in a year.
This is my xanga entry from September 13, 2006...exactly one year ago. Its funny how much things have changed since then! Although a lot of it is still true...
"Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Subject: woke up on the wrong side of the bed
I hate family animosities and seating charts.
I hate my tiny bedroom. Its either messy or I have to take stuff out.
I hate walking to work. I want a car.
I hate morning talk shows on the radio.
I hate when people think they can tell me who I should invite to my wedding.
I hate not being able to invite everyone I want to my wedding.
I hate that I have so many close friends and half of them ARENT in my wedding.
I hate that Jay lives in Duxbury and I live in Quincy. And we only have one car.
I hate not being able to get to wedding appointments because I dont have a car.
I hate being hot. And cold. And sick.
I hate having no money.
I hate that one of my best friends is moving to South Carolina in 2 weeks.
I hate delinquent students who don't show up for mandatory meetings.
I hate working so much.
I hate CVS.
I hate the feeling like I haven't gone anywhere since graduation.
I hate not being close to church and not being able to be as involved in the youth group as I want to be.
I also hate a lot of other things that I won't be sharing with the world.
Such is life."
"Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Subject: woke up on the wrong side of the bed
I hate family animosities and seating charts.
I hate my tiny bedroom. Its either messy or I have to take stuff out.
I hate walking to work. I want a car.
I hate morning talk shows on the radio.
I hate when people think they can tell me who I should invite to my wedding.
I hate not being able to invite everyone I want to my wedding.
I hate that I have so many close friends and half of them ARENT in my wedding.
I hate that Jay lives in Duxbury and I live in Quincy. And we only have one car.
I hate not being able to get to wedding appointments because I dont have a car.
I hate being hot. And cold. And sick.
I hate having no money.
I hate that one of my best friends is moving to South Carolina in 2 weeks.
I hate delinquent students who don't show up for mandatory meetings.
I hate working so much.
I hate CVS.
I hate the feeling like I haven't gone anywhere since graduation.
I hate not being close to church and not being able to be as involved in the youth group as I want to be.
I also hate a lot of other things that I won't be sharing with the world.
Such is life."
9.11.2007
New Things...
So...my new job. Its probably the most stressful thing ever. Now mind you, I like to be busy. I really do. But its the overwhelming feeling of struggling to keep my head above water and not knowing how to do things in a new job thats stressing me out. I just hope...and pray...that the longer I'm working here, the more comfortable it becomes, and the less I will have to ask for help. There are just SO many little things to learn...and its going to take a while before I feel comfortable with all the little tasks I'm given.
*sigh*
On another note, lately I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I have really felt like I'm growing up all of a sudden. You'd think graduating from college and getting married would hurry that along, but its just recently that I've really felt it hitting me. Little things from magazine preferences to what I'd prefer to do on a Saturday night are changing, and its really weird to me! Next I'm going to be wanting kids....eeek!!!!
*sigh*
On another note, lately I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I have really felt like I'm growing up all of a sudden. You'd think graduating from college and getting married would hurry that along, but its just recently that I've really felt it hitting me. Little things from magazine preferences to what I'd prefer to do on a Saturday night are changing, and its really weird to me! Next I'm going to be wanting kids....eeek!!!!
8.30.2007
I disagree!
Thanks to Jesse for this...
| What American accent do you have? Your Result: Boston You definitely have a Boston accent, even if you think you don't. Of course, that doesn't mean you are from the Boston area, you may also be from New Hampshire or Maine. | |
| The West | |
| The Midland | |
| North Central | |
| The Northeast | |
| Philadelphia | |
| The Inland North | |
| The South | |
| What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
8.28.2007
Whats work??
Here I am, nearing the end of my second day at my new job. Its pretty crazy so far...and very overwhelming! I hate being new, and even more so, I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I think the best feeling in the world is feeling comfortable in a job, but it takes sooo long to get there.
And yes, leave it to me to get on blogger on my second day....jeez...I am not sure how far I am willing to test the limits of internet usage here, but the lady I work for went home for the day so I don't have much else to do. I DO know that facebook is blocked which is not good. Not good at all.
I can't wait to move this weekend....primarily because we will finally have our own space again, and a HUGE walk in closet (SO excited!). But also because my horrendous commute will be cut almost in half!
I am proud of myself for not feeling too lonely yet. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I usually have Jay (and Trot) around...and when they aren't, my dad, or Greg or someone is there. It may be a whole different dynamic when I find myself alone in our new apartment, who knows. I can't believe I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this move...after we move into our apartment, change our address yet again, register our new-to-us car, and then get TN drivers licenses, we should be official TN residents! Scary...
And yes, leave it to me to get on blogger on my second day....jeez...I am not sure how far I am willing to test the limits of internet usage here, but the lady I work for went home for the day so I don't have much else to do. I DO know that facebook is blocked which is not good. Not good at all.
I can't wait to move this weekend....primarily because we will finally have our own space again, and a HUGE walk in closet (SO excited!). But also because my horrendous commute will be cut almost in half!
I am proud of myself for not feeling too lonely yet. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I usually have Jay (and Trot) around...and when they aren't, my dad, or Greg or someone is there. It may be a whole different dynamic when I find myself alone in our new apartment, who knows. I can't believe I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this move...after we move into our apartment, change our address yet again, register our new-to-us car, and then get TN drivers licenses, we should be official TN residents! Scary...
8.24.2007
It hit me.
I knew the fact that I moved would hit me when I got home from Janelle's wedding...but wasn't prepared for the fact that it would hit me before I was even on the plane!
Being a bridesmaid is crazy. Because of this, I had all kinds of things in my purse that I didn't even think about removing due to the fact that we had to get up at 4am for our flight the next day. So as we were going through security, I got the head nod that they needed to check out my purse. He started pulling out all kinds of stuff I wasn't allowed to take on the plane...and as he pulled out 3 packs of sparklers and matches (Janelle and Bryan's favors...) my face turned red with embarrassment and as I tried to apologize and explain that I had been to a wedding, he started removing other things I wasn't supposed to have. You know, dangerous things like tide-to-go, nailpolish, and lipgloss. After he was done removing these entirely rediculous things for a girl to have in her purse and lecturing me as he was throwing them away, he put the sparklers and matches BACK in my purse, and told me to have a nice day.
WHAT?!?
Apparently matches and sparklers are A-OK to bring on a plane, but GOD FORBID if I have lipgloss and tide-to-go!!
Who are these people??
Anyways...back to the point of the story. As Jay and I were walking away from security, before he had even put on his shoes, I started to bawl uncontrollably. Baffled, he asked me what was wrong, and through sobs, I explained that I had paid a lot of money for that lipgloss when I got my makeup done on our wedding day, and I didn't even know what the color was so that I could get more. Poor Jay, not realizing that sometimes all girls need to set them off crying about something big is something very, very small, tried to calm me down, but I continued crying through the airport, as we were handing our tickets, through the airplane, and as I sat in my seat waiting for the plane to take off. It was not until then that I was able to explain to Jay that it had finally hit me that we were going HOME- not to Massachusetts, but to Nashville. And that all my friends, the ones who I felt like I was simply on a vacation from, would be in Massachusetts, very far away from where I would be. Something I have certainly known for a while...but I guess it takes your emotions a while to catch up with reality...
So, thats the story of how it hit me.
Oh, and I have a new job and a new apartment. More on those later :)
Being a bridesmaid is crazy. Because of this, I had all kinds of things in my purse that I didn't even think about removing due to the fact that we had to get up at 4am for our flight the next day. So as we were going through security, I got the head nod that they needed to check out my purse. He started pulling out all kinds of stuff I wasn't allowed to take on the plane...and as he pulled out 3 packs of sparklers and matches (Janelle and Bryan's favors...) my face turned red with embarrassment and as I tried to apologize and explain that I had been to a wedding, he started removing other things I wasn't supposed to have. You know, dangerous things like tide-to-go, nailpolish, and lipgloss. After he was done removing these entirely rediculous things for a girl to have in her purse and lecturing me as he was throwing them away, he put the sparklers and matches BACK in my purse, and told me to have a nice day.
WHAT?!?
Apparently matches and sparklers are A-OK to bring on a plane, but GOD FORBID if I have lipgloss and tide-to-go!!
Who are these people??
Anyways...back to the point of the story. As Jay and I were walking away from security, before he had even put on his shoes, I started to bawl uncontrollably. Baffled, he asked me what was wrong, and through sobs, I explained that I had paid a lot of money for that lipgloss when I got my makeup done on our wedding day, and I didn't even know what the color was so that I could get more. Poor Jay, not realizing that sometimes all girls need to set them off crying about something big is something very, very small, tried to calm me down, but I continued crying through the airport, as we were handing our tickets, through the airplane, and as I sat in my seat waiting for the plane to take off. It was not until then that I was able to explain to Jay that it had finally hit me that we were going HOME- not to Massachusetts, but to Nashville. And that all my friends, the ones who I felt like I was simply on a vacation from, would be in Massachusetts, very far away from where I would be. Something I have certainly known for a while...but I guess it takes your emotions a while to catch up with reality...
So, thats the story of how it hit me.
Oh, and I have a new job and a new apartment. More on those later :)
8.12.2007
I'm still in my pajamas
...and its 4pm. WOW! Kim left today and I was not happy about that. This past week was just like old times...us being single staying with our parents and hanging out every second we have free. It was nice! But now she's in Memphrica and I don't know when I will see her next! But at least I know if I ever want to, its only a 3 hour drive instead of a plane ticket! As sad as I am though, I am really happy for her and Zack...I know they are recognizing God opening doors for them and I can't really debate with that. I think they will be really happy at their new church, I know Zack will be very happy in his new job, their house is SWEET, and now all we need is for Kim to get into med school next year!
Besides that, I'm SICK of being in limbo. I am trying sooo hard to be patient and wait on God, but its soo hard for me, being such a planner. I want us to find permanent jobs and a place to live RIGHT NOW. Living with my dad isn't terrible, but it isn't good either! We are dying to be on our own again after having a house all to ourselves for 8 months. We will also be in PA for the week, because JANELLE AND BRYAN ARE GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!! I am so excited to see friends and celebrate this occasion we've all been waiting for. I am really looking forward to both Jay and I being in the wedding party...something we've never experienced before! It should be fun.
I'm sure when we get back from PA this will seem real and I will finally get sad about leaving all my friends. Hopefully by then, the job situation will be a little more solid and we can start looking for apartments. All in God's time....just gotta keep telling myself that!
Besides that, I'm SICK of being in limbo. I am trying sooo hard to be patient and wait on God, but its soo hard for me, being such a planner. I want us to find permanent jobs and a place to live RIGHT NOW. Living with my dad isn't terrible, but it isn't good either! We are dying to be on our own again after having a house all to ourselves for 8 months. We will also be in PA for the week, because JANELLE AND BRYAN ARE GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!! I am so excited to see friends and celebrate this occasion we've all been waiting for. I am really looking forward to both Jay and I being in the wedding party...something we've never experienced before! It should be fun.
I'm sure when we get back from PA this will seem real and I will finally get sad about leaving all my friends. Hopefully by then, the job situation will be a little more solid and we can start looking for apartments. All in God's time....just gotta keep telling myself that!
7.30.2007
Southern twangs and sweet tea
Well, here I am. In Nashville. And no, it doesn't feel real yet. I still feel like I'm on some kind of vacation, and I probably will until I get a job and a place to live.
Living with my dad has been.......okay. I am certainly ready to move out when the time comes, but it hasn't been terrible. Its just weird to be used to living alone and then...BAM! You live with 3 others. I'm sure thats the way my dad and Val feel too, so I have some sympathy. But I'm ready to find jobs, a place to live, and settle down.
So basically, my life has been filled with sleeping in and staying up late, which is gonna kill me when I finally do get a job. I hate that I'm such a night owl!
I promise my next update will be a lot more interesting. Lots of things swirling around in my mind right now, but they're not ready to be put on paper quite yet.
Living with my dad has been.......okay. I am certainly ready to move out when the time comes, but it hasn't been terrible. Its just weird to be used to living alone and then...BAM! You live with 3 others. I'm sure thats the way my dad and Val feel too, so I have some sympathy. But I'm ready to find jobs, a place to live, and settle down.
So basically, my life has been filled with sleeping in and staying up late, which is gonna kill me when I finally do get a job. I hate that I'm such a night owl!
I promise my next update will be a lot more interesting. Lots of things swirling around in my mind right now, but they're not ready to be put on paper quite yet.
7.11.2007
Stress
I knew packing was hard and stressful, but I didn't realize how much! And its magnified 10x since Jay isn't here...I didn't start packing until he left on Sunday, and now I'm completely overwhelmed. I've packed sooo much, but there is still so much more to go, and it barely even looks like I made a dent. I can't wait until I can actually see results! It literally took me 2 days to pack the kitchen...there are sooo many things, especially breakables, in the kitchen that it took forever! Its also difficult to try to figure out what we're going to need for the couple of months we are living with my dad and what we can keep in storage until we find a place of our own.
If packing itself wasn't stressful enough, there's the truck issue....we got a really good deal on a truck company that drives it down for you AND pays for gas...but unfortunetly that means we have to take the bad with the good. The price we were quoted was for 10 feet of space on the truck, and every extra foot is $27. So I know we're going to be paying a lot extra, but at least we have the option of using more truck space. The big stress though, is that usually they would drop off the truck to you one day, and pick it up when you're ready, but apparently in Boston there's a special "rule" that the driver has to be with the truck at all times. Because of this, they only give you a free HOUR to pack the truck, and every additional 15 minutes is $34!! And obviously since we booked the truck for a thursday (it was cheapest...), most of our friends will be at work. And I can't find out what time the truck comes until Monday at the earliest. I am hoping I can get them to come as late as possible so that we can move everything outside first before the truck gets here, and then it wont take as long to load the truck when its time.
I am also lacking in the supplies department...I have been warned by 3 different people now that we need packing blankets (NOT provided by the truck company) and a dolly to move the piano. Researching where the heck to rent/buy these things is really not what I want to be doing right now when I'm already stressed enough about packing.
And then there's all our friends who keep asking us when we can hang out, even just for dinner, and at this point our schedules are so booked with saying goodbye to people that we hardly even have time to pack! We want to see our friends sooo bad and hang out with them as much as possible before we leave, but we're already booked solid, and there's still friends who we didn't even plan to see before we go. Its really sad and again....stressful.
Just one and a half more weeks of this craziness....
If packing itself wasn't stressful enough, there's the truck issue....we got a really good deal on a truck company that drives it down for you AND pays for gas...but unfortunetly that means we have to take the bad with the good. The price we were quoted was for 10 feet of space on the truck, and every extra foot is $27. So I know we're going to be paying a lot extra, but at least we have the option of using more truck space. The big stress though, is that usually they would drop off the truck to you one day, and pick it up when you're ready, but apparently in Boston there's a special "rule" that the driver has to be with the truck at all times. Because of this, they only give you a free HOUR to pack the truck, and every additional 15 minutes is $34!! And obviously since we booked the truck for a thursday (it was cheapest...), most of our friends will be at work. And I can't find out what time the truck comes until Monday at the earliest. I am hoping I can get them to come as late as possible so that we can move everything outside first before the truck gets here, and then it wont take as long to load the truck when its time.
I am also lacking in the supplies department...I have been warned by 3 different people now that we need packing blankets (NOT provided by the truck company) and a dolly to move the piano. Researching where the heck to rent/buy these things is really not what I want to be doing right now when I'm already stressed enough about packing.
And then there's all our friends who keep asking us when we can hang out, even just for dinner, and at this point our schedules are so booked with saying goodbye to people that we hardly even have time to pack! We want to see our friends sooo bad and hang out with them as much as possible before we leave, but we're already booked solid, and there's still friends who we didn't even plan to see before we go. Its really sad and again....stressful.
Just one and a half more weeks of this craziness....
7.04.2007
Sensitivity
One of the things I hate most about myself is how hypersensitive I am. Sometimes something someone says to me that rubs me the wrong way will bother me for weeks, months, or even years. Even more so, if I ever feel that something I did offended someone in any way, it eats away at me for the longest time. The fact that I'm completely non-confrontational doesn't help either...because I tend to let things roll off my back that really hurt me, and then I internalize it all, or lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it. I just HATE how something sooo small, that usually no one else cares about or notices, can ruin my whole day. I wish I could actually live the way I talk... "you shouldn't care what people think about you" or "I'm sure they didnt mean it that way" or "just forget about it, its not a big deal." But I physically can't do it. I just end up feeling like a doormat most of the time, and I hate it. I constantly worry 24/7 that someone is mad at me, or that someone doesn't think I'm a good friend, at the same time internalizing bitterness and frustration for people.
Sure, sometimes it is a good thing to be sensitive, primarily because it makes me hypersensitive to others. I absolutely go out of my way to make people feel loved, probably because sometimes I don't feel loved myself. I work my tail off to help my friends with wedding things, and of course part of that is because I enjoy it and love weddings, but its mostly because I love my friends and I want them to know it. But at the same time, during my wedding, I felt guilty and like a huge pain to all my friends when asking for help with the littlest things, even though I know its my own reality and not true reality. Being caring and sensitive toward others is a good thing, especially when I am going into a career someday that will really use those skills, but it sucks when it makes me feel unloved and unappreciated, for no reason at all.
I just wish it was a switch in me somehow- that I could turn on and off. Its exhausting....and I wish I could change, but I've been like this ever since I was little. I guess I just have to figure out how to deal with it constructively, instead of letting it eat away at me. I just wish it wasn't so difficult.
Sure, sometimes it is a good thing to be sensitive, primarily because it makes me hypersensitive to others. I absolutely go out of my way to make people feel loved, probably because sometimes I don't feel loved myself. I work my tail off to help my friends with wedding things, and of course part of that is because I enjoy it and love weddings, but its mostly because I love my friends and I want them to know it. But at the same time, during my wedding, I felt guilty and like a huge pain to all my friends when asking for help with the littlest things, even though I know its my own reality and not true reality. Being caring and sensitive toward others is a good thing, especially when I am going into a career someday that will really use those skills, but it sucks when it makes me feel unloved and unappreciated, for no reason at all.
I just wish it was a switch in me somehow- that I could turn on and off. Its exhausting....and I wish I could change, but I've been like this ever since I was little. I guess I just have to figure out how to deal with it constructively, instead of letting it eat away at me. I just wish it wasn't so difficult.
6.30.2007
Hallelujah...the yardsale is O-V-A!
Which means now I have to tackle packing. *sigh*
Moving is stirring up so many emotions in me, its making me not able to sleep. I am SO excited...for so many reasons. My best friend and the man I love and I get to start on an adventure together- having only each other to rely on along the way. We will get to explore new things together, look for apartments/houses, figure out things together from where to buy our groceries to where to attend church. Our friendships with others will be tested- and I will pour my heart into those relationships which I wish to keep and simply back off from the ones I dont. I get to look for a new job-in whatever I feel led to do, we get to start over...together.
However, although we are not worried about our true friendships with others lasting, it will be sad nonetheless to leave those convenient ties behind. So often I take for granted that I can call almost all of my friends, and be to their house in 30 minutes or less if I want to. It will be very sad not being able to be included in things like birthday parties, group get-togethers and maybe even some wedding activities. I firmly trust in the bonds I have with most of my friends, and am ready for the extra work it is going to take to sustain those relationships from a distance. It is still sad though...to leave behind everything familiar and be on our own in a new place which might be scary at first.
There's also the slight guilt I feel for leaving the church and the teens....we poured our hearts into them....maybe even a little too much so...to the point where we didn't have time for ourselves and to nurse our new bond as husband and wife. This is both a reason why it is good we are leaving, and a reason why it is sad to leave them. We are so close to our teens, and we really love them and care about them. Luckily, they have already hired a new youth pastor, so we are relieved about that. We hope they will be in good hands! And we also hope nobody in the church thinks we're selfish for leaving, because sometimes I feel like we are.
I know all these feelings are okay, and most of them even healthy, but it makes me feel like such a girl. You know, an emotional train wreck. At this point I am just so ready to move on to our next stage of life, and I am so excited to strengthen bonds with both my husband and my friends through this experience.
I can't think of a closing zinger so thats going to have to do.
Moving is stirring up so many emotions in me, its making me not able to sleep. I am SO excited...for so many reasons. My best friend and the man I love and I get to start on an adventure together- having only each other to rely on along the way. We will get to explore new things together, look for apartments/houses, figure out things together from where to buy our groceries to where to attend church. Our friendships with others will be tested- and I will pour my heart into those relationships which I wish to keep and simply back off from the ones I dont. I get to look for a new job-in whatever I feel led to do, we get to start over...together.
However, although we are not worried about our true friendships with others lasting, it will be sad nonetheless to leave those convenient ties behind. So often I take for granted that I can call almost all of my friends, and be to their house in 30 minutes or less if I want to. It will be very sad not being able to be included in things like birthday parties, group get-togethers and maybe even some wedding activities. I firmly trust in the bonds I have with most of my friends, and am ready for the extra work it is going to take to sustain those relationships from a distance. It is still sad though...to leave behind everything familiar and be on our own in a new place which might be scary at first.
There's also the slight guilt I feel for leaving the church and the teens....we poured our hearts into them....maybe even a little too much so...to the point where we didn't have time for ourselves and to nurse our new bond as husband and wife. This is both a reason why it is good we are leaving, and a reason why it is sad to leave them. We are so close to our teens, and we really love them and care about them. Luckily, they have already hired a new youth pastor, so we are relieved about that. We hope they will be in good hands! And we also hope nobody in the church thinks we're selfish for leaving, because sometimes I feel like we are.
I know all these feelings are okay, and most of them even healthy, but it makes me feel like such a girl. You know, an emotional train wreck. At this point I am just so ready to move on to our next stage of life, and I am so excited to strengthen bonds with both my husband and my friends through this experience.
I can't think of a closing zinger so thats going to have to do.
6.29.2007
Yardsale Craziness
I am sooo ready for our yardsale to be over. We spent ALL day today pricing and organizing things....we have really built up a lot of crap over the years, which is really sad considering how young we both are. Definitely a lesson in materialism...
Anyways, I am sooo ready for it to be over!
Anyways, I am sooo ready for it to be over!
6.28.2007
The beginning or the end?
I'm starting to get scared. Its beginning to feel real finally....and I don't know if I'm ready! Are we doing the right thing? Are we going to be miserable when we get down there and realize that we left everything we know? There are so many unknowns ahead....pretty much everything! If nothing else, God is really teaching me a big lesson in patience and trust in Him. It is just so scary to not have any idea where we're going to live or work in a couple months. It is so unlike me to pick up and move somewhere without any sort of plans, or even knowing if I'll get into school. But I have never felt stronger that it is God's will for us...he is pulling us out of our comfort zones and showing us how to have ultimate faith in Him. And thats what is most important!
6.20.2007
A bunch of firsts..
A couple of weeks ago, I coordinated my first wedding (of a non-friend). It was absolutely great. I couldn't help thinking, as I drove to the reception site in my black dress and sunglasses, ready to take charge, that I was born to do this! There were a few normal hitches, but overall, everything went really really well. I got along great with all the vendors (which is huge!) and the bride and groom profusely thanked me at the end of the night and even gave me a 50% tip! Haha. It was really great. I hope in Nashville I can continue doing this! I am doing Amy Lemieux's wedding on Saturday in Vermont too, so I'm excited about that since I leave for VT tomorrow!!
I've been shadowing a midwife this past week, which has also been amazing. Is it possible to feel like you were born to do 2 complely different occupations? At the same time? Haha. It has been awesome...she has totally solidified in my mind my definition of midwives, and validated my reasons for wanting to become one. On Monday, I saw my first live birth! It was amazing!! Incredible. I can't wait to start school. I feel like its so far away, but I know how fast a year can go.
Jay and I have been packing here and there, mostly preparing for our yard sale. (June 30th, if you want to come!!) It is kind of sad, as packing reminds me of unpacking when we were brand new newlyweds, into our first home. It will be sad to leave the first place we lived together, but it has to happen sometime. I just hope we don't have to live with my dad too long...
It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God.
I just took Trot to the vet for what I thought was ringworm...it was a bugbite. Haha. I am renouncing medicine as my life purpose.
I've been shadowing a midwife this past week, which has also been amazing. Is it possible to feel like you were born to do 2 complely different occupations? At the same time? Haha. It has been awesome...she has totally solidified in my mind my definition of midwives, and validated my reasons for wanting to become one. On Monday, I saw my first live birth! It was amazing!! Incredible. I can't wait to start school. I feel like its so far away, but I know how fast a year can go.
Jay and I have been packing here and there, mostly preparing for our yard sale. (June 30th, if you want to come!!) It is kind of sad, as packing reminds me of unpacking when we were brand new newlyweds, into our first home. It will be sad to leave the first place we lived together, but it has to happen sometime. I just hope we don't have to live with my dad too long...
It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God.
I just took Trot to the vet for what I thought was ringworm...it was a bugbite. Haha. I am renouncing medicine as my life purpose.
6.07.2007
Moving?
It definitely hasn't hit me yet...that next month Jay and I will be moving 1111 miles away...to a completely different culture, jobless, homeless and almost friendless. (Thank goodness for James!) I'm not gonna lie...I am VERY excited to have this rare chance to start over in some ways...particularly with jobs, and mostly for Jay. He has worked at his current job for 5 years, and who knows how long he would work there if it didnt get bought out. He stays there because its a good job and he feels comfortable there...but he absolutely HATES it. Every day that he comes home, he is defeated, both physically and mentally. His weekends used to be his only sanctuary-his chance to get out and hang out with friends and unwind, sometimes even travel...but since he's been working with the youth group, he hasn't even had weekends anymore. Its been really tough to see him go through that every day for the time I've known him...and I'm ecstatic that he now has a chance to find something he has a passion for and work there. I just hope he doesn't land himself another boring desk job!
As excited as I am to have a chance to experience new and exciting things with my amazing husband, I will be incredibly sad to leave. Most of my friends are here, and there's no replacing that. Sure, I'll be able to talk to them a good amount, but it won't be the same. I guess this stage happens eventually...people start to diffuse out and end up in different places, but its strange that its actually happening, and I'm one of the first to go.
I am just sooo excited that no matter what happens, my very best friend and husband will always be at my side to go through everything with me. After I'm done with school, who knows where we'll end up? Any suggestions?
As excited as I am to have a chance to experience new and exciting things with my amazing husband, I will be incredibly sad to leave. Most of my friends are here, and there's no replacing that. Sure, I'll be able to talk to them a good amount, but it won't be the same. I guess this stage happens eventually...people start to diffuse out and end up in different places, but its strange that its actually happening, and I'm one of the first to go.
I am just sooo excited that no matter what happens, my very best friend and husband will always be at my side to go through everything with me. After I'm done with school, who knows where we'll end up? Any suggestions?
| You Are a Good Friend Because You're Loyal |
 You stick with your friends no matter what, even if you feel like they're doing the wrong thing. You believe in letting people figure out their own path in life. It's not your place to interfere. And part of your loyalty means that you'll do a lot for your friends. You definitely go the extra mile. You'll even do great things for friends without them asking. After all, that's what friendship is all about. You are truly a friend for life. And you have friends you've known since you were a kid. Your friends can count on you to do a favor, remember a birthday, or just be there to listen. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else You really can't be friends with: Fickle people who change friends quickly Your friendship quote: "Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows." |
| You Are 63% Pure |
 You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that. You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you. |
| Your Power Bird is a Vulture |
 You are always changing your life and the lives of those around you. You aren't afraid to move on from what holds you back. Energetic and powerful, you have a nearly unlimited capacity for success. You know how to "go with the flow" and take advantage of what is given to you. |
| You Would Be a Pet Dog |
 You're friendly, loyal, and an all around good sport. People love to be near you. You are very open with your feelings, and you're quite vocal in expressing them. You are sincere and kind. You love many people - without any sort of agenda. Why you would make a great pet: You're content to chill out with your friends Why you would make a bad pet: You always find yourself getting into trouble What you would love about being a dog: Running around and playing What you would hate about being a dog: Being left home alone while everyone else is out having fun |
5.29.2007
OH-HI-OH
Here I am, in the middle of nowhere where my parents have lived for the past year and a half. Its strange to be with my family, but have it not feel like home. This is only the second time I've been here, but this is considered home to my family. I'm not sure what to call it. When they first gave me the home phone number I was typing it into my phone and couldn't figure out what to call it..."home" didnt really seem right....and it wasn't under "mom" because it was also steve, jim and jake...I ended up naming it "Metcalfe" which sounds way to impersonal to be my family, but oh well. Its been very refreshing to get away...for the first time since Christmas. To leave the responsibilities we have at home and relax far away. I've done a lot of reading, and thinking, and its nice.
The strangest part is that I feel like I am on a different level now....not really one of the kids, but not one of the parents either. My mom and Steve lace parenting strategies between breaths and leak inside information that they would never tell the boys when Jay and I are around....like we're now allowed into some secret society of parenting and adulthood. We sit together and talk about how we hope Jim and Jake and Ben grow up to be mature and responsible, and what the current state of their lives are. Yet sometimes we're still grouped into the category with the boys when they call for the "kids" to come to dinner. Its a very strange place to be.
Its also strange to go from begging your parents for something you really want, to feeling bad letting them pay for your dinner, because you know how poor they are and what paying bills is like. Its the weird transient stage between childhood and adulthood...I wonder how long it lasts. Maybe until we have children of our own and can be considered parents? Or maybe we're destined to be the sandwitch generation always....to be joined later by younger siblings.
The strangest part is that I feel like I am on a different level now....not really one of the kids, but not one of the parents either. My mom and Steve lace parenting strategies between breaths and leak inside information that they would never tell the boys when Jay and I are around....like we're now allowed into some secret society of parenting and adulthood. We sit together and talk about how we hope Jim and Jake and Ben grow up to be mature and responsible, and what the current state of their lives are. Yet sometimes we're still grouped into the category with the boys when they call for the "kids" to come to dinner. Its a very strange place to be.
Its also strange to go from begging your parents for something you really want, to feeling bad letting them pay for your dinner, because you know how poor they are and what paying bills is like. Its the weird transient stage between childhood and adulthood...I wonder how long it lasts. Maybe until we have children of our own and can be considered parents? Or maybe we're destined to be the sandwitch generation always....to be joined later by younger siblings.
5.19.2007
To have and to hold
I just got back from Candice and Jon's wedding. It was me and Jay's first wedding as a married couple...which was mostly cool, except for when I had to sit out on the bouquet toss. That was always kind of fun!
So anyways, the wedding was absolutely fantastic. Everything was beautiful and perfect, and Jay and I even won the centerpiece! Haha. Its on my table right now. :) I have pictures on my facebook, and I'll be uploading them to my photos site at some point...(the link is on the left). I can't believe they are finally married, I am sooo happy for them!!!
So anyways, the wedding was absolutely fantastic. Everything was beautiful and perfect, and Jay and I even won the centerpiece! Haha. Its on my table right now. :) I have pictures on my facebook, and I'll be uploading them to my photos site at some point...(the link is on the left). I can't believe they are finally married, I am sooo happy for them!!!
5.18.2007
Wow, 2 posts in one day?
Lucky you. Haha.
I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Lately as in...the past year or so. They really are funny when you think about it. Especially friendships between girls. They are always so much more dramatic than guys' friendships. I mean, Jay is still friends with guys that REALLY screwed him over....girls would certainly have a problem with continuing those friendships!
I guess I'm kind of re-evaluating what I look for in a frienship. I've always had a lot of friends (not to be conceited or anything, it just happens!) and I've always liked it that way. Each friend brings something different to my life that I appreciate. Its incredibly rare to have one friend who has all the qualities you look for in a companion, so drawing different qualities from different people is quite refreshing. However, there are definitely different categories of friends as well...there's the friends who I like to hang out with, but don't necessarily trust them or tell them too much personal information, and then there are friends that I would trust with my life and tell them almost everything. There's friends that keep me in check and are always honest with me, and friends I can go to to make me feel better about myself. There are friends that make me laugh, and friends that let me cry. There are friends who I consider my "best friends"....who I trust, like to hang out with, who understand me, AND who I feel comfortable around. Thats a big one. You know you have a best friend if you can let a month or more go by without speaking to each other, and you can just pick up where you left off without any awkwardness. And obviously a lot of these categories overlap for most of my friends, but its just so funny and interesting how multi-faceted my friendships are.
I am just glad I have so many people who I can consider friends. I am learning my limits recently...as far as who to trust and when to keep my mouth shut and keep things to myself....but its really nice. Thank you...if you're reading this...for being one of my best friends. I have definitely grown to appreciate you so much more every day that goes by and every hardship I go through. I love you!
I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Lately as in...the past year or so. They really are funny when you think about it. Especially friendships between girls. They are always so much more dramatic than guys' friendships. I mean, Jay is still friends with guys that REALLY screwed him over....girls would certainly have a problem with continuing those friendships!
I guess I'm kind of re-evaluating what I look for in a frienship. I've always had a lot of friends (not to be conceited or anything, it just happens!) and I've always liked it that way. Each friend brings something different to my life that I appreciate. Its incredibly rare to have one friend who has all the qualities you look for in a companion, so drawing different qualities from different people is quite refreshing. However, there are definitely different categories of friends as well...there's the friends who I like to hang out with, but don't necessarily trust them or tell them too much personal information, and then there are friends that I would trust with my life and tell them almost everything. There's friends that keep me in check and are always honest with me, and friends I can go to to make me feel better about myself. There are friends that make me laugh, and friends that let me cry. There are friends who I consider my "best friends"....who I trust, like to hang out with, who understand me, AND who I feel comfortable around. Thats a big one. You know you have a best friend if you can let a month or more go by without speaking to each other, and you can just pick up where you left off without any awkwardness. And obviously a lot of these categories overlap for most of my friends, but its just so funny and interesting how multi-faceted my friendships are.
I am just glad I have so many people who I can consider friends. I am learning my limits recently...as far as who to trust and when to keep my mouth shut and keep things to myself....but its really nice. Thank you...if you're reading this...for being one of my best friends. I have definitely grown to appreciate you so much more every day that goes by and every hardship I go through. I love you!
Okay. Decided.
Emily's convinced me. Now lets see....deep dark secrets....hmmm.....
The thing I like about blogger is that you can control who sees it...I like that. You can type in specific email addresses and only they can see it. Granted, they have to have gmail, but most of my friends that I want to allow to read it have gmail, and the ones who don't should get it. :) (I already made Kim sign up for Gmail!) now Jen, Janelle and Kim A need to..... :)
Anyone watch ER last night? I'm watching it right now on my DVR. Its crazy! Poor Ray. Last night was a good TV night...the office, grey's.....wow I watch too many TV shows now that I can tape them and watch them at my convenience.
I promise I'll write something more thought provoking later.
The thing I like about blogger is that you can control who sees it...I like that. You can type in specific email addresses and only they can see it. Granted, they have to have gmail, but most of my friends that I want to allow to read it have gmail, and the ones who don't should get it. :) (I already made Kim sign up for Gmail!) now Jen, Janelle and Kim A need to..... :)
Anyone watch ER last night? I'm watching it right now on my DVR. Its crazy! Poor Ray. Last night was a good TV night...the office, grey's.....wow I watch too many TV shows now that I can tape them and watch them at my convenience.
I promise I'll write something more thought provoking later.
5.17.2007
Should I use this?
I think I'm becoming notorious for switching blogs. For a while, I had xanga. But I let too many people into that one...random ENC students, and most of all...my dad. Would you want your dad reading your blog EVERY DAY? That was a big whoops. So then I transferred my blog to my myspace...another whoops because how much can you really say when all of your youth group kids plus your dad AGAIN has access to it? Ugh. Maybe it is time I started a new blog where I can actually say what I want and have control over who reads it....I can still use my myspace one if I have some sort of statement to the general public, meaning the 3000 friends that I have somehow that have access to it...
*sigh*
*sigh*
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