A little too morbid?

I've always been a little morbid. My cousin, Missy, always tells me the story about how once, when she was babysitting me around Christmastime, I was playing with the nativity scene my mom had on top of the piano. There were all kinds of animals in this scene, including a dog for some reason, which was my favorite, of course. Apparently I found Missy to tell her about what I had been doing. I matter-of-factly told her... "The dog is Mary's helper. If the dog barks 1 time, Mary's hungry. If the dog barks 3 times, Mary's thirsty. If the dog barks 3 times, Mary's tired. If the dog barks 4 times, Mary needs help taking care of baby Jesus. If the dog barks 5 times.....MARY'S DEAD."

Humorous, yes. However, leave it to me to turn a joyous celebration of the birth of our Saviour into a morbid situation at 5 years of age. Go figure...

Anyways, it hasn't really changed much as I've gotten older. I find myself thinking about death a lot. Not at all in a "I-want-to-kill-somebody" way, more in a pensive, soul-searching way. I often wonder where the line is between living each day like it is your last, and planning for the future. Or the line between always tying up loose ends, forgiving and loving your dear ones, in case you may never see them again, and living in paranoia every day that they might be taken away from you.

I'd like to think that I am not naive and ignorant about death, and that I accept its reality and how it affects us all someday. I think a lot of people don't like to think about death, and never will until it hits them when a loved one dies, or when they find themselves on their deathbed. I am not afraid of death, as I have found salvation in Jesus, but I am afraid of Satan's grip on death. So often he uses it to pull people away from the Lord in their grief.

I always wonder if my death will be a peaceful or tragic one. It will be a mystery until it happens. I find it to be selfish to not allow yourself to ever think about yourself dying someday, for your family and friends. It is very important to me that my family is taken care of when I die, as funerals, etc. can be SO expensive. It is important for your family to know your wishes so that they don't have stress to add to their grief. I've told Jay that I do not want a burial (I visited a funeral home in a class in college, and coffins themselves can be up to $5000!!!), instead, I want my body donated to science where it can help other people. What better way to continue helping others, even after you've passed? My body would just rot away in my expensive coffin, and for what?

Yes, maybe I am a little too morbid. I guess its just the way I am. I have never wanted to avoid death, because it is a natural event that occurs to everyone at some point or other. I'd rather embrace it, because its part of the beautiful world that God created. {Insert cheesy "Circle of Life" song here.}

There's a new Mrs. Capozzi in town!

Last night James and Lauren finally tied the knot. I had the pleasure of coordinating the wedding (except for when the church coordinator from hell was there!) and was so glad to be a part of it. I don't think I have ever cried...no....BAWLED so much during a ceremony. I seriously had tears streaming down my face, to the point where Jay kept asking me what was wrong and I kept saying "Nothing! I'm just really happy!"

I just couldn't help but think of the road James and I have been down to lead us to this point in our lives. My friendship with him TRULY shows me how God works in our lives, and in situations that we can't see Him in at the time. I have never lived such a testament of His promises for us than I have through my friendship with James. When we "dated" (and I use that term loosely, since it was definitely a high school relationship and was over in the blink of an eye...haha) we had never even really met each other. It was so strange that we would be brought together, and when it was over, I gained an amazing friend in him. Our friendship grew over the years, and James became someone I could talk to about absolutely anything and everything. If I was in a bad mood, he could always cheer me up. When I went through bad boyfriends in college, he was always there. He has been a consistent friend through all of my ups and downs in life, and is like a brother to me. He has become one of my best friends, and it wasn't until recently that we realized how far God had brought us.

When I met Jay, he had been hurt before, and was really hesitant to enter into another relationship. All it took was one chat with James, who assured him I was and would always be faithful, for him to ask me out. Who knows if he would have pursued me if James hadn't talked to him!

When I met Lauren, I immediately thought of James. They had the same kind of humor, which isn't very common! When they finally hung out when Kim and I brought them together, I couldn't believe how instantly they clicked. I have never been so excited as I witnessed their amazing (but slow!) transformation from aquaintences, to two best friends who are madly in love. I couldn't ever imagine two people so perfect for each other, and I just burst with happiness that they found each other. I can't believe how God used my friendship with James to bring us both to our soul mates...to the ones who will love us and take care of us forever. Its truly amazing how everything happens for a reason!

Anyways, I had no intentions of leaving a sapfest on here, but I am just SO happy and SO blessed to witness God's presence in the marriage of James and Lauren. And I am so glad that now we live near one another! Its the first wedding in a long time that I haven't been that sad when its over, because I know I'll see them again in a week! They have been great friends to us since we've been here....our only friends so far....and its just been awesome.

Just awesome!

The difference in a year.

This is my xanga entry from September 13, 2006...exactly one year ago. Its funny how much things have changed since then! Although a lot of it is still true...

"Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Subject: woke up on the wrong side of the bed

I hate family animosities and seating charts.

I hate my tiny bedroom. Its either messy or I have to take stuff out.

I hate walking to work. I want a car.

I hate morning talk shows on the radio.

I hate when people think they can tell me who I should invite to my wedding.

I hate not being able to invite everyone I want to my wedding.

I hate that I have so many close friends and half of them ARENT in my wedding.

I hate that Jay lives in Duxbury and I live in Quincy. And we only have one car.

I hate not being able to get to wedding appointments because I dont have a car.

I hate being hot. And cold. And sick.

I hate having no money.

I hate that one of my best friends is moving to South Carolina in 2 weeks.

I hate delinquent students who don't show up for mandatory meetings.

I hate working so much.

I hate CVS.

I hate the feeling like I haven't gone anywhere since graduation.

I hate not being close to church and not being able to be as involved in the youth group as I want to be.



I also hate a lot of other things that I won't be sharing with the world.

Such is life."

New Things...

So...my new job. Its probably the most stressful thing ever. Now mind you, I like to be busy. I really do. But its the overwhelming feeling of struggling to keep my head above water and not knowing how to do things in a new job thats stressing me out. I just hope...and pray...that the longer I'm working here, the more comfortable it becomes, and the less I will have to ask for help. There are just SO many little things to learn...and its going to take a while before I feel comfortable with all the little tasks I'm given.

*sigh*

On another note, lately I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I have really felt like I'm growing up all of a sudden. You'd think graduating from college and getting married would hurry that along, but its just recently that I've really felt it hitting me. Little things from magazine preferences to what I'd prefer to do on a Saturday night are changing, and its really weird to me! Next I'm going to be wanting kids....eeek!!!!