I decided to write about something that has been on my heart, stronger and stronger especially over the last couple of years-the desire to live in an intentional community. I haven't always known the name for it, but being exposed to community living situations has always felt "right", like it is what humans are supposed to do. I've always been an extrovert, I get energy and happiness when I am around others and dislike being alone. I've always felt the most at peace surrounded by a large amount of friends and family.
I think in college I started to recognize the benefits and challenges of living in community. I loved living in the dorms, and although there will always be drama if you throw a bunch of young adult women in the same living quarters, these times of drama taught me what it means to compromise, share, love others unconditionally and be helpful, respectful and humble when you don't feel like it. Then I read "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. All of a sudden, these desires and dreams I had for life had a name-"intentional community". I couldn't believe this was a real thing!
Since college, I have been an intentional community member without an intentional community. I married Jay and we moved 7 times within 3 different states. Now we have lived somewhere the longest in our marriage, and I have started seriously thinking about community and why I desire it so bad. I have also started thinking seriously about religion and living like Jesus. And for me, thinking usually leads to word vomit on a blog, so here we go.
Why I want to live in an intentional community:
#1. Serving others more effectively
Since I've started getting serious about living like Jesus, I've come to realize that making efforts to further his "kingdom" always works better in a group. More hands and minds simply = more effective results. Living in a community of people who share the same burden to care for the needs of others around us means that we can really make a difference.
#2. Learning to be real with others
You can't hide very much when you live with others. We all have an ugly side that we don't want the world to see, but there's something beautiful and healthy about being able to be yourself around people who aren't in your immediate family. Too often we wear masks around each other, and then when people struggle they feel like something is wrong with them because everyone else seems to have it all together. Being able to be real with others shows that we are all human and that it is OK to not be so "together" all the time.
#3. Learning to compromise and let go of control
When you live on your own, you get to make all the decisions. Everything is self centered. When you get married, things often become "his way" or "her way" and compromise is a difficult lesson to learn, so difficult that it often leads to divorce because people are so inherently selfish. Living in a community takes this one step farther-not only do you learn to compromise with your spouse, but also with a house full of other people who have different thoughts and opinions. There's really no other way to "train" yourself to let go of selfish nature than to force yourself to not have so much control.
#4. Financial
Its very simple. More people sharing financial responsibility = less financial burden on everyone. Sharing costs for housing and utilities leads to individual and group financial freedom, which releases us from the chains of debt and allows us to be happier and give more money to others. Not only this, but it also helps release us of the dependency on full time jobs and living paycheck to paycheck, and allows us to spare more time to be with family, friends, and serve the community. It allows people to work because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. What a beautiful thing!
#5. Housework sharing
When you own your own house, you (and your spouse/kids) are responsible for all of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. This can become such a burden that sometimes you have to choose between having a clean house with dinner on the table every night and relationships with your family and others. This is not right! Many people sharing cleaning, meal planning and cooking and household maintenance duties relieves so much of the burden on individuals, and frees up time and energy to do things that matter!
#6. Strengthening of marriages
Not only do the lessons you learn in a community help you better relate to your spouse (like compromise, serving others together, being real, etc), but you also view other marriages first hand and are forced to look at the strengths and weaknesses of your own marriage in light of others'. You don't get blinded by the mundane day to day routine, and instead your marriage is enlightened, supported and revitalized by the presence of other healthy marriages. You also have accountability to spend time alone together as a couple to strengthen the bond as well. There are no excuses to not make your marriage a priority when there is financial burden sharing, housework sharing, and free babysitting!
#7. Accountability
Along the lines of being "real" with others, living in community gives you a built in accountability system, which improves the efforts of individuals working on aspects of themselves that they wish they could change. Laziness is not an option in community, because everyone depends on each other.
#8. Teaching our children all of the above lessons.
I don't want my kids to ever remember a time that they didn't live in community, which is one of the reasons that now that I have kids, I'm so eager and ready to go. I want these lessons to be ingrained in my children-not something that they have to learn in their 20s or 30s like me. I want them to inherently share, compromise and help one another and others in the community. I don't want them to even know there is another way to live. Maybe someday they will choose to live the American Dream with their families in a house of their own, but no matter what they end up doing, they will carry these values and lessons with them. I don't want them to feel that they have to be conformed to the world of the normalcy of working full time, living paycheck to paycheck and fighting debt constantly just to keep up with the Joneses. The best way to teach this is to live by example!
#9. Permanent "church"
When two or three are gathered...there He is. Bam. When there is no travel involved for anyone, finding a time to regularly study the Bible with others or worship is not quite as difficult. Instead, it can become part of the routine of day to day living, rather than being a separate entity.
#10. Opportunity to become a place of refuge for others
The ideal situation for me would be to have a place big enough that everyone has their own "space" (bedrooms, bathroom) yet a common living area (kitchen, living room, entertainment area, etc). In addition, it would be awesome to have extra individual "spaces" so that when there is a need, we have shelter, food and company. This could be family coming into town, friends of friends who can't afford a hotel in the area, and even extend to homeless or otherwise burdened people who need the community just as much as we do. No time frames, no cost, no expectations-just a place for people to be until they are on their feet.
Putting it all together, I just don't see the downside. Honestly, every downside I find stems from selfishness- I want a house of my own, I want to have control and make all the decisions, I don't want to have to deal with others all the time, I don't want to share, I don't want to feel so convicted all the time.
I am not under any illusion that it is easy to live in community-in fact, I think it is quite the opposite, but I think it is the healthiest, most Jesus-serving option for my life. I'm not saying that it is for everyone, but I know that I could definitely stand to learn many of the lessons that I need to learn by living in community. The challenges to be a better person and the freedom to live and serve are so desirable to me that I am finding it very difficult to be patient and let the community be ready for this too. I know it will happen when the time is right, IF the time is ever right. But when it is, I'm ready and willing to join together with others to combine hearts and efforts to be better people and a better community that reflects the image of Jesus.
2.17.2013
The crazy day we've had
After doing nothing but just pushing through today and doing what we needed to do, I finally have a moment to sit down and process the events of today.
I had two febrile seizures when I was 9 months old. My mom tells me about them all the time and how scary they were for her and my dad. When I had my first one, they were on vacation in WV, which made it that much worse. So far away from home, not knowing what to do. Knowing that there is a theorized genetic basis for predisposition to these febrile seizures, I made sure when I had Carter that I learned what to do. Despite that and my nursing background, seeing your baby seize is not something I could ever be prepared for.
I got home from my 24 hour call shift early this morning around 8:15am. The crazy part is that there are so many reasons why I should NOT have been home at that time. First of all, I was originally supposed to be on 12 hours on Saturday and 12 hours on Sunday, but I switched with one of the other midwives to do one 24 on Saturday instead. So originally I was supposed to be at the hospital this morning. Also, our call shifts end at 8am, so because I live so far away, I don't usually get home until around 9. This morning, there was a snowstorm beginning and I wanted to get home as soon as possible so I worked it out with the midwife coming on call to leave an hour early-at 7am. The fact that I was home this morning was a miracle. I don't know if I believe in miracles or God's hand in our daily lives, but today has really gotten me thinking about it. Hard.
As usual, I called Jay on my way home from work and asked how his day/night went. He told me that Carter had woken up at 4am crying (unusual for him), but he brought him into bed with him and he went back to sleep until 7am, when he woke up for the day. He mentioned that he felt really hot, but he was acting fine, eating and playing after he woke up.
So back to 8:15am. I did get to sleep last night for about 4-5 hours (interrupted sleep), but I was obviously still tired so I planned to put Carter down for his morning nap around 8:30 and doze off myself as well. I noticed that he felt hot as well, so I gave him a dose of Motrin and put him down for his nap. I then laid down myself. Of course this was after taking out my contacts, wiping off all my makeup, and getting into pajamas. (These things always happen when you are not public "ready"!!)
Within about 5 minutes, I heard the strangest sounds coming from his room-first a high pitched wailing that was NOT a sound I had ever heard come from him, and then I heard his voice start shaking. I flew out of bed and into his room and saw him convulsing. At first I thought-maybe he had a bad dream and he is having a hard time waking. But as soon as I picked him up, I knew he was having a seizure. I yelled for Jay, who came into the room, and I told him what was happening. He said "what do we do?" I paused for a moment, holding my poor convulsing baby, took a deep breath and cleared my mind. I had to literally tell myself to STOP being a panicked mom and start being a nurse. I told Jay to call the doctor's office and I went and sat down on the couch with Carter, still convulsing. He was jerking, but wasn't turning blue anywhere and seemed to be getting breaths in between jerks, so I just kept breathing and holding him.
While Jay was waiting for the on call doctor to be paged and call us back, I asked him to get a cool cloth, which I started wiping Carter down with. The seizure lasted around 2-3 minutes (I'm estimating, seemed like much longer!) and he had stopped convulsing by the time the doctor called us. He of course asked a bunch of questions and then eventually told us we should go to the ER to be checked out since this was his first one. He recommended calling an ambulance because of the snowstorm. Jay called ENC security who called for an ambulance for us.
It was the postictal period that was the scariest for me. After he stopped convulsing, he just laid limp in my arms and moaned a little bit. His eyes were closed and he was pretty much unresponsive. I just kept holding him and telling him I was there and kissing him, making sure he was still breathing. I was terrified that this phase was lasting too long and he should be a little more responsive. At this point, I had Jay hold him and I went and threw on some clothes and got his diaper bag together. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do and what we would need to bring with us.
After about 5 minutes, as I was in the other room, I heard Carter start to cry (actually, scream bloody murder) and I actually breathed a sigh of relief that at least this was a sign he was more "with it". Jay looked at me, worried, and I said "I would rather him be crying than unresponsive and limp!". He screamed non stop until we were well into our hospital stay. It was so awful to not be able to calm him.
The paramedics were really nice, and I rode in the back of the ambulance (on the stretcher!) with Carter while Jay drove our car to the hospital. Apparently, it was at this point that he called a bunch of people in a panic to let them know what was going on (poor guy). I'm glad he had the support during a drive which was probably scary, not knowing how Carter was doing in the ambulance.
We arrived at the hospital, and I felt pretty foolish because they made me stay on the stretcher and wheeled me and Carter both in. It was really quiet in the ER so I had about 10 people looking at us, and I kind of just waved awkwardly. At this point, Carter was taking a couple of breaks between his crying to open his eyes and look around a little bit. His eyes were really glazed over and he still wasn't responding to anything I was saying or doing. They gave him a stuffed bear, which he didn't even really look at or reach for. It was really scary not knowing if he would ever be himself again!
Despite being disappointed they were taking us to Quincy Medical Center (not having the best rep for quality care...) we actually had pretty awesome care there. The doctor and nurses were really nice and attentive. While we were there, Carter got swabbed for strep throat and flu, got his rectal temp taken with a thermometer that seemed to be from 1985 (it took like 5 minutes to read!!), got his pulse and BP monitored, and got a chest x-ray. When he got his ears checked, the doctor said that one was a little reddened, so he was thinking he had a mild ear infection which was causing his fever. He gave us a script for Amoxicillin (which is another worry in itself, because Carter has never had antibiotics before and Jay and I are both PCN allergic...) and told us to keep giving him Motrin and Tylenol for the next 24 hours to keep his fever down.
During the 3.5 hours we spent in the ER, Carter started becoming more and more like himself again between little naps. He began by tracking people with his eyes and responding to his name by looking at us, then he started saying "Teddy" and reaching for the stuffed bear. By the time we left, he was pretty much his normal self again, just cranky because he hadn't slept very well during his usual naptime! We got home and put him down to sleep, at which point I realized I also really needed to sleep because I was starting to be a little incoherent. I laid down and told Jay to call Jen to figure out what we should do for anitbiotic dosing schedule/fever meds dosing schedule and pretty much told him to handle it because I couldn't stay awake any longer and be a useful human being.
Which brings me to one of my greatest blessings from today...my husband! He is beating himself up because he didn't take Carter's temp at 4am when he noticed he was warm (which actually would have been helpful information for the 500 people asking us what his temp was), but neither did I when I got home before giving him the Motrin. But Carter has had fevers before, and they always have gotten better with some meds and sleep, so how were we to know?? And yes, he could have given him meds earlier too before I got home, but who knows if even that would have been soon enough to stop the sudden spike before he started convulsing. I certainly don't blame him at all. He was such a calm, helpful, solid presence all day today, and I was so thankful to have him there with me. He took over when I crashed when we got home like a champ, making sure Carter was getting his naps, antibotics, correct fever meds and food (not easy tasks!). He is awesome.
I am especially thankful tonight because as scary as it was, I have both my husband and my son safely tucked away in my apartment, healthy and taken care of. In light of Amy Caudill's passing and the multiple horror stories I hear/read about children being taken before their time, today could have certainly been a lot worse. There was a moment today when I looked at Carter convulsing in my arms and thought that this could be his last day on earth, despite knowing how common and benign febrile seizures are. That feeling is something I never want to feel again, and it scares me just thinking about it.
My husband and my son are such blessings, and I hope I never, ever take that for granted.
I had two febrile seizures when I was 9 months old. My mom tells me about them all the time and how scary they were for her and my dad. When I had my first one, they were on vacation in WV, which made it that much worse. So far away from home, not knowing what to do. Knowing that there is a theorized genetic basis for predisposition to these febrile seizures, I made sure when I had Carter that I learned what to do. Despite that and my nursing background, seeing your baby seize is not something I could ever be prepared for.
I got home from my 24 hour call shift early this morning around 8:15am. The crazy part is that there are so many reasons why I should NOT have been home at that time. First of all, I was originally supposed to be on 12 hours on Saturday and 12 hours on Sunday, but I switched with one of the other midwives to do one 24 on Saturday instead. So originally I was supposed to be at the hospital this morning. Also, our call shifts end at 8am, so because I live so far away, I don't usually get home until around 9. This morning, there was a snowstorm beginning and I wanted to get home as soon as possible so I worked it out with the midwife coming on call to leave an hour early-at 7am. The fact that I was home this morning was a miracle. I don't know if I believe in miracles or God's hand in our daily lives, but today has really gotten me thinking about it. Hard.
As usual, I called Jay on my way home from work and asked how his day/night went. He told me that Carter had woken up at 4am crying (unusual for him), but he brought him into bed with him and he went back to sleep until 7am, when he woke up for the day. He mentioned that he felt really hot, but he was acting fine, eating and playing after he woke up.
So back to 8:15am. I did get to sleep last night for about 4-5 hours (interrupted sleep), but I was obviously still tired so I planned to put Carter down for his morning nap around 8:30 and doze off myself as well. I noticed that he felt hot as well, so I gave him a dose of Motrin and put him down for his nap. I then laid down myself. Of course this was after taking out my contacts, wiping off all my makeup, and getting into pajamas. (These things always happen when you are not public "ready"!!)
Within about 5 minutes, I heard the strangest sounds coming from his room-first a high pitched wailing that was NOT a sound I had ever heard come from him, and then I heard his voice start shaking. I flew out of bed and into his room and saw him convulsing. At first I thought-maybe he had a bad dream and he is having a hard time waking. But as soon as I picked him up, I knew he was having a seizure. I yelled for Jay, who came into the room, and I told him what was happening. He said "what do we do?" I paused for a moment, holding my poor convulsing baby, took a deep breath and cleared my mind. I had to literally tell myself to STOP being a panicked mom and start being a nurse. I told Jay to call the doctor's office and I went and sat down on the couch with Carter, still convulsing. He was jerking, but wasn't turning blue anywhere and seemed to be getting breaths in between jerks, so I just kept breathing and holding him.
While Jay was waiting for the on call doctor to be paged and call us back, I asked him to get a cool cloth, which I started wiping Carter down with. The seizure lasted around 2-3 minutes (I'm estimating, seemed like much longer!) and he had stopped convulsing by the time the doctor called us. He of course asked a bunch of questions and then eventually told us we should go to the ER to be checked out since this was his first one. He recommended calling an ambulance because of the snowstorm. Jay called ENC security who called for an ambulance for us.
It was the postictal period that was the scariest for me. After he stopped convulsing, he just laid limp in my arms and moaned a little bit. His eyes were closed and he was pretty much unresponsive. I just kept holding him and telling him I was there and kissing him, making sure he was still breathing. I was terrified that this phase was lasting too long and he should be a little more responsive. At this point, I had Jay hold him and I went and threw on some clothes and got his diaper bag together. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do and what we would need to bring with us.
After about 5 minutes, as I was in the other room, I heard Carter start to cry (actually, scream bloody murder) and I actually breathed a sigh of relief that at least this was a sign he was more "with it". Jay looked at me, worried, and I said "I would rather him be crying than unresponsive and limp!". He screamed non stop until we were well into our hospital stay. It was so awful to not be able to calm him.
The paramedics were really nice, and I rode in the back of the ambulance (on the stretcher!) with Carter while Jay drove our car to the hospital. Apparently, it was at this point that he called a bunch of people in a panic to let them know what was going on (poor guy). I'm glad he had the support during a drive which was probably scary, not knowing how Carter was doing in the ambulance.
We arrived at the hospital, and I felt pretty foolish because they made me stay on the stretcher and wheeled me and Carter both in. It was really quiet in the ER so I had about 10 people looking at us, and I kind of just waved awkwardly. At this point, Carter was taking a couple of breaks between his crying to open his eyes and look around a little bit. His eyes were really glazed over and he still wasn't responding to anything I was saying or doing. They gave him a stuffed bear, which he didn't even really look at or reach for. It was really scary not knowing if he would ever be himself again!
Despite being disappointed they were taking us to Quincy Medical Center (not having the best rep for quality care...) we actually had pretty awesome care there. The doctor and nurses were really nice and attentive. While we were there, Carter got swabbed for strep throat and flu, got his rectal temp taken with a thermometer that seemed to be from 1985 (it took like 5 minutes to read!!), got his pulse and BP monitored, and got a chest x-ray. When he got his ears checked, the doctor said that one was a little reddened, so he was thinking he had a mild ear infection which was causing his fever. He gave us a script for Amoxicillin (which is another worry in itself, because Carter has never had antibiotics before and Jay and I are both PCN allergic...) and told us to keep giving him Motrin and Tylenol for the next 24 hours to keep his fever down.
During the 3.5 hours we spent in the ER, Carter started becoming more and more like himself again between little naps. He began by tracking people with his eyes and responding to his name by looking at us, then he started saying "Teddy" and reaching for the stuffed bear. By the time we left, he was pretty much his normal self again, just cranky because he hadn't slept very well during his usual naptime! We got home and put him down to sleep, at which point I realized I also really needed to sleep because I was starting to be a little incoherent. I laid down and told Jay to call Jen to figure out what we should do for anitbiotic dosing schedule/fever meds dosing schedule and pretty much told him to handle it because I couldn't stay awake any longer and be a useful human being.
Which brings me to one of my greatest blessings from today...my husband! He is beating himself up because he didn't take Carter's temp at 4am when he noticed he was warm (which actually would have been helpful information for the 500 people asking us what his temp was), but neither did I when I got home before giving him the Motrin. But Carter has had fevers before, and they always have gotten better with some meds and sleep, so how were we to know?? And yes, he could have given him meds earlier too before I got home, but who knows if even that would have been soon enough to stop the sudden spike before he started convulsing. I certainly don't blame him at all. He was such a calm, helpful, solid presence all day today, and I was so thankful to have him there with me. He took over when I crashed when we got home like a champ, making sure Carter was getting his naps, antibotics, correct fever meds and food (not easy tasks!). He is awesome.
I am especially thankful tonight because as scary as it was, I have both my husband and my son safely tucked away in my apartment, healthy and taken care of. In light of Amy Caudill's passing and the multiple horror stories I hear/read about children being taken before their time, today could have certainly been a lot worse. There was a moment today when I looked at Carter convulsing in my arms and thought that this could be his last day on earth, despite knowing how common and benign febrile seizures are. That feeling is something I never want to feel again, and it scares me just thinking about it.
My husband and my son are such blessings, and I hope I never, ever take that for granted.
2.15.2013
Prouds and Sorries
Lately I have been struggling with this feeling of failure in all aspects of my life. I know I'm being hard on myself, but I just can't shake it. I feel like I am wearing too many hats right now to be able to be effective at anything I'm doing. I feel stretched too thin, and unable to give myself to any one thing or person.
In our community, we do "prouds" and "sorries", which I like because it really makes you introspective and think about how things are going. I really feel like I need to get all of these failure feelings off my chest in writing (hence the blog) so that I can start to process and deal with each one and figure out how I can be a better person. I thought that instead of just writing about my failures (since that is depressing), in doing this, I would also try to come up with some "prouds" as well to force myself to look at the positives, since I have a hard time doing that.
Hat #1: Wife
Jay and I have been married for 6.5 yrs. For the most part, I think our relationship is awesome. I love having him by my side in everything I do in life. SO, in my marriage, my prouds are:
1. I think we have good communication for the most part
2. We talk through conflicts immediately and don't hold things in and let them out passive aggressively
3. We don't play games with each other (emotionally, of course. Literally, we play lots of games. Like Ticket to Ride.)
4. We still know how to have fun together
5. We make decisions as a team and are truly best friends
However, I often feel like a failure as a wife. So here are my major sorries:
1. When we were dating and first married, I used to do a lot of thoughtful gestures. Writing notes/letters, making his lunch, cooking his favorite meal, buying him something he's been wanting, etc. I haven't done anything like this in a long time. :(
2. I don't thank him nearly enough for all that he does. He is the best husband, father and househusband in the world!
3. I don't do nearly as much around the house as I should. He is a domestic diva. Haha! Part of this is because I am busy and when I do have time at home during Carter's naps, I either have more work to do for one of my jobs, or I am so exhausted that I just want to sit and watch TV for an hour or so.
4. When I am tired and stressed, I tend to blow up at him even though its not his fault. This isn't fair at all.
5. I nag him too much.
Hat #2: Mother
Here are my prouds for motherhood:
1. Carter is alive. And healthy. And usually pretty happy. That goes a long way!
2. I breastfed for 14 months. This wasn't easy and I am proud of myself for sticking with it so long despite the obstacles and giving him the best nutrition I could.
3. I always put him first. I usually make sure he is changed, fed and entertained or sleeping before thinking about my own needs.
4. I have been pretty good about documenting his life in writing and in pictures. I hope he will appreciate it someday.
5. Jay and I have stuck with cloth diapers for 16+ months now. I'm proud of us for that! We have saved a lot of money.
And my sorries:
1. I am not as good about well balanced meals as I should be. I don't make him special smoothies or other creative sneaky things to make sure he gets his vegetables. I try to make sure he eats well balanced meals in general, and organic for the most part, but I often fail. Heck, sometimes all he eats all day is grilled cheese and cheerios.
2. I am not a "pinterest mom" and never will be. I don't make heart shaped pancakes for valentine's day breakfast. I don't do creative crafty activities with him. I don't make handmade, organic playdough. Pinterest is great, but it really doesn't help you feel like a good mom!
3. I don't spend as much time with him as I would like. Between working all the time and having to get things done still when I'm NOT working, sometimes I feel like he is going to forget who I am. This is an awful feeling. The other day he called the phone "mama" because I always talk to him on speakerphone when I'm at work and Jay is home with him and that made me feel like crap.
4. Sometimes I leave him in his PJs all day. Sometimes he goes for a week without taking a bath. I almost always forget to brush his teeth.
5. I stress out all the time about how we are going to teach him about Jesus and raise him to be a good person. I wish I had a "plan" for this but I don't.
Hat #3: Follower of Jesus
Prouds:
1. I am feeling so overjoyed and fulfilled in our community right now. It is exactly what I feel like "church" should be and is for me. It is a step in the right direction in my spiritual life after so many years of standing still.
2. Although I am going through this period of doubting and reassessing my faith, I am proud that I am still doing it and not giving up. I am glad I am not taking things at face value or just going with what I've been taught all these years and actually trying to figure things out for myself.
3. I am proud that Jay and I have the kind of relationship where I can tell him anything about what I'm currently thinking/feeling and he won't be horrified and divorce me. He's a great accountability partner.
Sorries:
1. This should be hat #1, and it isn't.
2. I could only come up with 3 prouds.
3. I feel like I'm finally coming to a conclusion about how I think humans (and me) SHOULD live. However, I am probably living as far opposite of this lifestyle as possible and I can't seem to pull the two together.
4. I suck at reading the Bible. I never do it.
5. I don't pray.
6. I could go on and on with sorries in this category, and I'm sorry for that!
Hat #4: Midwife
Prouds:
1. I am working. A lot. Getting a job and keeping a job for 6 months is a big deal!
2. I really do feel like I am changing people's lives. Not everyone, but it is fulfilling even just to change one life with the care I give them.
3. I really try to treat each patient like they are important to me and intelligent. This is easier said than done sometimes!
4. I am actively seeking out conferences to go to this year to work on my skills and knowledge base
5. I am trying to become involved with my practice by taking on different roles and being a good team player.
Sorries:
1. There is so much I don't know and wish I did. I should be reading more current research, or reviewing my textbooks or something to continue learning the things I wish I knew.
2. I always feel guilty for being part time, even though I work a ton anyways.
3. I feel awful that I have so much school debt and hardly make any money. Sometimes I wish I just never went to school at all and did something else.
4. Sometimes I pawn off tasks onto other people (like the MAs) that I don't feel like dealing with. Not fair.
5. Sometimes I feel like I should spend LONGER with patients. I often get hung up with efficiency, charting and time management that I forget to actually be a midwife (which means "with woman"!)
Hat #5: Professor
Prouds:
1. Overall, I think I am doing a decent job as a professor. They haven't fired me yet!
2. I try to incorporate interesting things into lectures that the students care about
3. I am proud that I make sure I am teaching them about STDs and fertility, and hopefully preventing some STDs and unwanted pregnancies down the road for some of them!
4. I think/hope I treat each student like I really do care about them
5. I try to learn everyone's name, even though there are 60 students in the class.
Sorries:
1. I am awful at helping them with labs, since I haven't had time to do them myself.
2. I wish I could make the boring parts of biology more interesting somehow.
3. I wish I had the ability to walk around and lecture rather than stand and read my notes (boring!!)
4. I don't respond to emails as quickly as I should
5. I can't seem to find a medium between making my class too easy or too hard.
Hat #6: Family member and friend
Prouds:
1. I make it a priority to plan time to see family in OH and TN at least once a year. I also make it a priority to go to family weddings and major events.
2. I am usually the point person for organizing family get-togethers and sometimes friend get-togethers, and it is important to me to make sure I get to spend time with friends and family at these gatherings.
3. I have many amazing friends that I've gathered and kept in touch with over the years
4. I try to be patient and understanding with particularly difficult family members
5. I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends and family. If I prayed, I would be praying for them. But usually its just thinking about them.
Sorries:
1. As much as I think about my family and friends, I suck at contacting them to let them know I was thinking about them.
2. I feel like because of work and family obligations, I haven't seen or talked to my local friends in forever and I hate that.
3. I am bad at keeping in touch with out of state friends and family on a regular basis
4. I hate talking on the phone and avoid it at all costs. I much prefer texting, as I can do it while multitasking other things!
5. I have so many friends and family who are hurting. I would love to spend time with them and help them all through their troubled times by doing thoughtful gestures and helping them with their needs, but I fall so short by barely even contacting some of them, let alone being present and helpful. I hate this.
Of course, I have many other hats, especially the one of "cat owner", which could be another blog post on its own, let me tell you. However, these are the major ones, and the ones that I feel like I am failing at the most right now. For some reason I am blinded to my prouds and all I see are the sorries. I don't know if my expectations of myself are too high, but I just feel totally useless most of the time. Ideally I would have all prouds and no sorries. Is this even possible?
Is this a sign I should be cutting things out of my life so I can focus on what's important? Or do I just need to manage my time better and work on my sorries? I just feel very discouraged and apologize to anyone who feels like I am letting them down, because I am letting myself down too.
In our community, we do "prouds" and "sorries", which I like because it really makes you introspective and think about how things are going. I really feel like I need to get all of these failure feelings off my chest in writing (hence the blog) so that I can start to process and deal with each one and figure out how I can be a better person. I thought that instead of just writing about my failures (since that is depressing), in doing this, I would also try to come up with some "prouds" as well to force myself to look at the positives, since I have a hard time doing that.
Hat #1: Wife
Jay and I have been married for 6.5 yrs. For the most part, I think our relationship is awesome. I love having him by my side in everything I do in life. SO, in my marriage, my prouds are:
1. I think we have good communication for the most part
2. We talk through conflicts immediately and don't hold things in and let them out passive aggressively
3. We don't play games with each other (emotionally, of course. Literally, we play lots of games. Like Ticket to Ride.)
4. We still know how to have fun together
5. We make decisions as a team and are truly best friends
However, I often feel like a failure as a wife. So here are my major sorries:
1. When we were dating and first married, I used to do a lot of thoughtful gestures. Writing notes/letters, making his lunch, cooking his favorite meal, buying him something he's been wanting, etc. I haven't done anything like this in a long time. :(
2. I don't thank him nearly enough for all that he does. He is the best husband, father and househusband in the world!
3. I don't do nearly as much around the house as I should. He is a domestic diva. Haha! Part of this is because I am busy and when I do have time at home during Carter's naps, I either have more work to do for one of my jobs, or I am so exhausted that I just want to sit and watch TV for an hour or so.
4. When I am tired and stressed, I tend to blow up at him even though its not his fault. This isn't fair at all.
5. I nag him too much.
Hat #2: Mother
Here are my prouds for motherhood:
1. Carter is alive. And healthy. And usually pretty happy. That goes a long way!
2. I breastfed for 14 months. This wasn't easy and I am proud of myself for sticking with it so long despite the obstacles and giving him the best nutrition I could.
3. I always put him first. I usually make sure he is changed, fed and entertained or sleeping before thinking about my own needs.
4. I have been pretty good about documenting his life in writing and in pictures. I hope he will appreciate it someday.
5. Jay and I have stuck with cloth diapers for 16+ months now. I'm proud of us for that! We have saved a lot of money.
And my sorries:
1. I am not as good about well balanced meals as I should be. I don't make him special smoothies or other creative sneaky things to make sure he gets his vegetables. I try to make sure he eats well balanced meals in general, and organic for the most part, but I often fail. Heck, sometimes all he eats all day is grilled cheese and cheerios.
2. I am not a "pinterest mom" and never will be. I don't make heart shaped pancakes for valentine's day breakfast. I don't do creative crafty activities with him. I don't make handmade, organic playdough. Pinterest is great, but it really doesn't help you feel like a good mom!
3. I don't spend as much time with him as I would like. Between working all the time and having to get things done still when I'm NOT working, sometimes I feel like he is going to forget who I am. This is an awful feeling. The other day he called the phone "mama" because I always talk to him on speakerphone when I'm at work and Jay is home with him and that made me feel like crap.
4. Sometimes I leave him in his PJs all day. Sometimes he goes for a week without taking a bath. I almost always forget to brush his teeth.
5. I stress out all the time about how we are going to teach him about Jesus and raise him to be a good person. I wish I had a "plan" for this but I don't.
Hat #3: Follower of Jesus
Prouds:
1. I am feeling so overjoyed and fulfilled in our community right now. It is exactly what I feel like "church" should be and is for me. It is a step in the right direction in my spiritual life after so many years of standing still.
2. Although I am going through this period of doubting and reassessing my faith, I am proud that I am still doing it and not giving up. I am glad I am not taking things at face value or just going with what I've been taught all these years and actually trying to figure things out for myself.
3. I am proud that Jay and I have the kind of relationship where I can tell him anything about what I'm currently thinking/feeling and he won't be horrified and divorce me. He's a great accountability partner.
Sorries:
1. This should be hat #1, and it isn't.
2. I could only come up with 3 prouds.
3. I feel like I'm finally coming to a conclusion about how I think humans (and me) SHOULD live. However, I am probably living as far opposite of this lifestyle as possible and I can't seem to pull the two together.
4. I suck at reading the Bible. I never do it.
5. I don't pray.
6. I could go on and on with sorries in this category, and I'm sorry for that!
Hat #4: Midwife
Prouds:
1. I am working. A lot. Getting a job and keeping a job for 6 months is a big deal!
2. I really do feel like I am changing people's lives. Not everyone, but it is fulfilling even just to change one life with the care I give them.
3. I really try to treat each patient like they are important to me and intelligent. This is easier said than done sometimes!
4. I am actively seeking out conferences to go to this year to work on my skills and knowledge base
5. I am trying to become involved with my practice by taking on different roles and being a good team player.
Sorries:
1. There is so much I don't know and wish I did. I should be reading more current research, or reviewing my textbooks or something to continue learning the things I wish I knew.
2. I always feel guilty for being part time, even though I work a ton anyways.
3. I feel awful that I have so much school debt and hardly make any money. Sometimes I wish I just never went to school at all and did something else.
4. Sometimes I pawn off tasks onto other people (like the MAs) that I don't feel like dealing with. Not fair.
5. Sometimes I feel like I should spend LONGER with patients. I often get hung up with efficiency, charting and time management that I forget to actually be a midwife (which means "with woman"!)
Hat #5: Professor
Prouds:
1. Overall, I think I am doing a decent job as a professor. They haven't fired me yet!
2. I try to incorporate interesting things into lectures that the students care about
3. I am proud that I make sure I am teaching them about STDs and fertility, and hopefully preventing some STDs and unwanted pregnancies down the road for some of them!
4. I think/hope I treat each student like I really do care about them
5. I try to learn everyone's name, even though there are 60 students in the class.
Sorries:
1. I am awful at helping them with labs, since I haven't had time to do them myself.
2. I wish I could make the boring parts of biology more interesting somehow.
3. I wish I had the ability to walk around and lecture rather than stand and read my notes (boring!!)
4. I don't respond to emails as quickly as I should
5. I can't seem to find a medium between making my class too easy or too hard.
Hat #6: Family member and friend
Prouds:
1. I make it a priority to plan time to see family in OH and TN at least once a year. I also make it a priority to go to family weddings and major events.
2. I am usually the point person for organizing family get-togethers and sometimes friend get-togethers, and it is important to me to make sure I get to spend time with friends and family at these gatherings.
3. I have many amazing friends that I've gathered and kept in touch with over the years
4. I try to be patient and understanding with particularly difficult family members
5. I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends and family. If I prayed, I would be praying for them. But usually its just thinking about them.
Sorries:
1. As much as I think about my family and friends, I suck at contacting them to let them know I was thinking about them.
2. I feel like because of work and family obligations, I haven't seen or talked to my local friends in forever and I hate that.
3. I am bad at keeping in touch with out of state friends and family on a regular basis
4. I hate talking on the phone and avoid it at all costs. I much prefer texting, as I can do it while multitasking other things!
5. I have so many friends and family who are hurting. I would love to spend time with them and help them all through their troubled times by doing thoughtful gestures and helping them with their needs, but I fall so short by barely even contacting some of them, let alone being present and helpful. I hate this.
Of course, I have many other hats, especially the one of "cat owner", which could be another blog post on its own, let me tell you. However, these are the major ones, and the ones that I feel like I am failing at the most right now. For some reason I am blinded to my prouds and all I see are the sorries. I don't know if my expectations of myself are too high, but I just feel totally useless most of the time. Ideally I would have all prouds and no sorries. Is this even possible?
Is this a sign I should be cutting things out of my life so I can focus on what's important? Or do I just need to manage my time better and work on my sorries? I just feel very discouraged and apologize to anyone who feels like I am letting them down, because I am letting myself down too.
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