As I'm getting closer and closer to having a job (hopefully), I've begun to think about what working really means and starting to panic a little bit. I mean, I've been home with Carter just about 24/7 for 6 1/2 months. The only motherhood I know is being with him all the time.
Although I want to work, and am looking forward to it in a lot of ways, I am really having a hard time knowing that working means not being with Carter as much. Mommy guilt is the worst! As of now, *I* am the one he knows the best, the one that knows him the best and the one who knows exactly what he needs. How will I deal with this shifting? Will he get more used to the way that child care does things than how I do them? Not that my ways are better, but I am his mom and the idea of the ways I do things as being foreign to him is scary. Right now its all he knows.
He's my little buddy. We spend all day together. Of course, there are days/moments when I wish I could thrust him in the hands of someone else and take a break, but overall I enjoy being with him. He goes everywhere with me.
What will I do when I only get to see him for about an hour total during weekday work days, when I get home from work right before he goes to bed? Yikes!! I can't even imagine it. What if I miss the first time he crawls, or says mama, or actually starts to enjoy solid foods? The thought of not being able to be a part of those moments is so sad.
I know that this is the reason I am only going to work part time, but maybe I've over-committed. When I'm home from work, I'll have to be doing grading, etc. for Principles of Bio. Am I going to have ANY time to spend with Carter, let alone Jay?
I know that I want to work, and doing so is the right decision for us, especially financially....but I'm kind of having a freak-out day wondering if I'm making the right decision. I don't want to regret it, or feel like I'm missing out on Carter's whole life. :(
4.30.2012
4.08.2012
church.
Okay, I thought I'd blog about something on my mind lately (as in, the past couple of years). Church. Is this blasphemous that I'm writing this on Easter Sunday morning? Probably.
As of right now, sometimes even the thought of going to church puts a pit in my stomach. I am so tired of the routine of: dress up and grab your Bible --> grab a bulletin from a greeter --> find a pew --> Welcome & announcements from Pastor --> Worship songs --> communion/special music/prayer/whatever --> sermon about how to make Jesus fit into our every day lives --> prayer --> leave ready for lunch and a nap.
I know most of this is from my experience growing up in and sticking with the Nazarene/Baptist church for the most part, and all church is not like this. But after living in 3 states and 8 addresses in our 5 years of marriage, Jay and I have been to a lot of churches. We've pretty much stayed within the Protestant denomination, but the structure is always the same-just throw a little extra presentations or special music in, sometimes a splash of communion, sometimes a shorter/longer sermon, sometimes you're allowed to have coffee in the sanctuary (gasp!), but its all the same.
Simply put, I'm tired of it. Here are a few of my questions. And disclaimer again: I know not EVERY church is like this. Some churches might have it together. This is purely based off of my experiences in the last 28 years of churchgoing.
1- Why does church have to be on Sunday mornings?
2- Why does church have to involve all these structural components, and in the same order?
3- Why are we forced to "worship" through music collectively, for 10 minutes, every Sunday? How many people go home and worship on their own, either through music or in other ways?
4- Why are sermons always about either warm fuzzy topics or "tough" topics which are usually about giving things up in your life that hinder your spiritual growth? Why do pastors always try to make Jesus' message mold to fit our easy, 21st century lives?
5- Why is serving others discussed pretty much only once a month, and only when talking about one time mission trips or excursions (next week, we're going to go sing at the nursing home!)
6- Why is doubting and asking questions so discouraged? I'm sure most pastors would say that it is NOT discouraged and in fact encouraged, but I certainly have never felt encouraged to do so in church-so something is missing there.
7- Why do most people put on a happy face mask for church, give fluffy prayer requests (please pray for my son's friend who was in a car accident-please pray for my grandfather who has cancer-please pray I do well on my test this week), and then go home and struggle with things they would be horrified to share in church? Where are the REAL prayer requests? (Please pray for me-I'm struggling with what I believe, I am trying to figure out what it means to be a gay Christian, I am struggling with mental illness, my marriage is struggling, etc)
8- Why are children sent downstairs to receive a dumbed-down child size happy-feeling message filled with songs, snacks and play time? How does this prepare them to appreciate church and faith as an adult?
Lets get one thing straight-I am not anti-church. In fact, I think church is important. However, I just haven't yet found a church where I feel like I belong, or where I don't feel sick to my stomach at the comfortable structured American-ness of it.
I feel like the primary reason to have churches and NOT just worship/study individually is because we are called to be a community of believers. Supporting one another, adding different viewpoints/opinions to various topics, working together to help the community around us.
To me, THAT is the point of church. Not obligation, not societal expectation, not to sit there and be "fed" weekly by a message.
Here is what I wish church looked like. And yes, I'm aware that I'm adding some kind of structure here, which is what I'm raging against, but just go with me here.
1. Not necessarily on Sunday morning, weekly.
2. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing doubts, questions, hot topics, Bible passages, etc. regarding the Christian faith. Obviously this is where a "pastor" type, or someone with formal theological training would come into play-to add things like "well, this is who wrote this Bible passage, and this was the cultural context at the time, and this is what the original meaning was in Hebrew/Greek, and these are different ways this passage is interpreted, that topic is mentioned in the Bible here", etc. etc. etc)
3. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing REAL struggles in one's life or the community. And the answers by the rest of the group to these struggles are not simply "I'll pray for you" but "I'll pray for you AND here's how I plan to help you with this".
4. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to looking for tangible, long term ways to help the community-and then putting plans in motion to actually do it.
That's all I want.
Strip down the rest of the church show and give me this.
THEN I'll go to church.
As of right now, sometimes even the thought of going to church puts a pit in my stomach. I am so tired of the routine of: dress up and grab your Bible --> grab a bulletin from a greeter --> find a pew --> Welcome & announcements from Pastor --> Worship songs --> communion/special music/prayer/whatever --> sermon about how to make Jesus fit into our every day lives --> prayer --> leave ready for lunch and a nap.
I know most of this is from my experience growing up in and sticking with the Nazarene/Baptist church for the most part, and all church is not like this. But after living in 3 states and 8 addresses in our 5 years of marriage, Jay and I have been to a lot of churches. We've pretty much stayed within the Protestant denomination, but the structure is always the same-just throw a little extra presentations or special music in, sometimes a splash of communion, sometimes a shorter/longer sermon, sometimes you're allowed to have coffee in the sanctuary (gasp!), but its all the same.
Simply put, I'm tired of it. Here are a few of my questions. And disclaimer again: I know not EVERY church is like this. Some churches might have it together. This is purely based off of my experiences in the last 28 years of churchgoing.
1- Why does church have to be on Sunday mornings?
2- Why does church have to involve all these structural components, and in the same order?
3- Why are we forced to "worship" through music collectively, for 10 minutes, every Sunday? How many people go home and worship on their own, either through music or in other ways?
4- Why are sermons always about either warm fuzzy topics or "tough" topics which are usually about giving things up in your life that hinder your spiritual growth? Why do pastors always try to make Jesus' message mold to fit our easy, 21st century lives?
5- Why is serving others discussed pretty much only once a month, and only when talking about one time mission trips or excursions (next week, we're going to go sing at the nursing home!)
6- Why is doubting and asking questions so discouraged? I'm sure most pastors would say that it is NOT discouraged and in fact encouraged, but I certainly have never felt encouraged to do so in church-so something is missing there.
7- Why do most people put on a happy face mask for church, give fluffy prayer requests (please pray for my son's friend who was in a car accident-please pray for my grandfather who has cancer-please pray I do well on my test this week), and then go home and struggle with things they would be horrified to share in church? Where are the REAL prayer requests? (Please pray for me-I'm struggling with what I believe, I am trying to figure out what it means to be a gay Christian, I am struggling with mental illness, my marriage is struggling, etc)
8- Why are children sent downstairs to receive a dumbed-down child size happy-feeling message filled with songs, snacks and play time? How does this prepare them to appreciate church and faith as an adult?
Lets get one thing straight-I am not anti-church. In fact, I think church is important. However, I just haven't yet found a church where I feel like I belong, or where I don't feel sick to my stomach at the comfortable structured American-ness of it.
I feel like the primary reason to have churches and NOT just worship/study individually is because we are called to be a community of believers. Supporting one another, adding different viewpoints/opinions to various topics, working together to help the community around us.
To me, THAT is the point of church. Not obligation, not societal expectation, not to sit there and be "fed" weekly by a message.
Here is what I wish church looked like. And yes, I'm aware that I'm adding some kind of structure here, which is what I'm raging against, but just go with me here.
1. Not necessarily on Sunday morning, weekly.
2. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing doubts, questions, hot topics, Bible passages, etc. regarding the Christian faith. Obviously this is where a "pastor" type, or someone with formal theological training would come into play-to add things like "well, this is who wrote this Bible passage, and this was the cultural context at the time, and this is what the original meaning was in Hebrew/Greek, and these are different ways this passage is interpreted, that topic is mentioned in the Bible here", etc. etc. etc)
3. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing REAL struggles in one's life or the community. And the answers by the rest of the group to these struggles are not simply "I'll pray for you" but "I'll pray for you AND here's how I plan to help you with this".
4. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to looking for tangible, long term ways to help the community-and then putting plans in motion to actually do it.
That's all I want.
Strip down the rest of the church show and give me this.
THEN I'll go to church.
4.07.2012
Excitified
I found out recently that I might actually get what I've been waiting 8 months for...a job opportunity where I did my clinical rotations. I am 50% excited and 50% terrified....100% excitified.
What if I've forgotten everything I've learned since school? What if I don't live up to the positive reputation that I've been given? What if they are disappointed in me? What if I mess up....and the cost is bigger than I could ever imagine?
What if I can't handle being a working mom? What if I feel guilty for leaving Carter? What if I took on too much-between agreeing to teach in the fall/spring, a job, a husband and a son?
What if I fail?
What if I've forgotten everything I've learned since school? What if I don't live up to the positive reputation that I've been given? What if they are disappointed in me? What if I mess up....and the cost is bigger than I could ever imagine?
What if I can't handle being a working mom? What if I feel guilty for leaving Carter? What if I took on too much-between agreeing to teach in the fall/spring, a job, a husband and a son?
What if I fail?
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