Patience...A lesson not learned yet.

One of my favorite things to do is look back through my old blogs....usually to see how different things were, to see how much has changed, and how much I've grown.

Sometimes, however, I find that some things haven't changed much at all. Specifically, I've found a common theme among some of my past blogs, and more importantly, one that has woven itself through my recent thoughts as well-and that is lack of patience.

No matter where I am in life, I'm always reaching and pining for the next step...and while some degree of determination and drive is good, I think that a lot of times I do it to the extent of not enjoying where I am in life, right NOW. Examples:

August 08, 2005:

"I am excited to get back to school. I'm ready to be busy again, to feel like I'm working toward a goal....Its almost like I'm on hold from my future. I know I should be enjoying my time right now, and I definitely am, and there are many things that I love about college....having my friends closeby, living with Jen, not really having to worry about finding a job or making money, etc...but I am so excited to graduate, get married, apply to PA school....so on and so on. It will come. I just need to be patient." March 13, 2007: "I need something new....something different to experience....I am feeling stuck and comfortable, and I don't want to be. I want a change, a chance to leave my comfort zone and hear God's voice in a way I never allowed myself to before."

June 20, 2007:

"It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God."

February 13, 2008:

"So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.

I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing."


Doesn't seem like I've learned to trust God much at all, does it? My posts sound exactly the same from the past 3 years. I suppose this is a lesson I will constantly struggle with, and have to put extra energy and effort into faith and trust and LETTING GO. Haha. Hopefully one of my blog posts a year from now can bring this post up and I will talk about how great I've been doing. ;-) One can only hope!

Sadness

Many people might think I am ridiculous for being so distraught about giving away a dog, but I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. This is so hard! So many things running through my mind....I hope he's safe and happy, I hope they are taking good care of him, I wonder if he misses me and wonders where his mom is and when she is coming back to get him...I miss him so, so much. He was my pal...he was always there when I was lonely, when Jay is away, he loved unconditionally and he trusted me completely since he was a puppy. I feel like such a horrible mother for letting him into stranger's hands. I KNOW it was the right decision....I KNOW these people will probably take good care of him, I KNOW that dogs are adaptable and he will probably be just fine, and I KNOW that when I start school I wouldn't be able to give him the time and attention he requires. Unfortunately, knowing all this doesn't heal my heart. I wish it would! I hate the disconnect between emotions and rational. I wish I could just tell my heart to put itself back together, and my overactive tear ducts to quit it. But I can't. I just have to wait for time to heal me I suppose...its not the first time I've done that.

I DO love my husband though. He may not like dogs very much, but he does love me amazingly well. He is probably the best husband in the whole world. I can't tell him enough. I can't believe we are quickly approaching our 2 year anniversary. We have been through SO much together already. 2 huge country-wide moves, living with family, new jobs and friends, and staying in touch with old friends. I wouldn't ever want anyone else by my side. I don't think I could make it in this world without him. I thank God every day that he saved him for me to marry. :)

Recognizing how blessed I am to have Jay, family and friends helps me keep perspective and helps me keep my head up despite the pain. It is hard work to keep your head up, but I am trying. And hopefully every day will get easier...

Have you ever googled yourself?

Hilarious cure for boredom or depression.
Picture results for "kara govoni"
I do need to mention that a lot of the pictures that came up were Dave Capozzi blog posts. After some research I realized that there is a link to my blog on his page titled "Kara Govoni"....ahh yes, it all makes sense now. :)