For some reason, something clicked this year and I began moving again. I got to a place where I had a choice to make: I would either scrap Christianity all together, or strip away everything I've ever known about religion, start from scratch and learn what it truly means to follow Jesus. I was simply UNABLE to sit still where I was any longer. I was tired of going through the motions of "church", religion and Christian Americana when I knew in my heart it didn't feel right to me.
The young adult Bible Study as well as the friendships I've developed within that group have been really central to my continued forward motion, and I am so thankful for that. I've come to a place where I've thrown everything out the window and am slowly picking the pieces back up again, analyzing them, and putting my faith back together. I've come to the conclusion that the concept I am shaping this faith around is that I really, truly believe that living like Jesus is what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm not wearing a "wwjd" bracelet around, but I've begun to filter my thoughts and actions that result through a Jesus-colored lens. It has actually been quite amazing how different I think and feel since I've begun doing this. I'm beginning to lose my apathetic edge (a bit) and instead see the world through loving eyes.
There are a few conclusions that I've loosely come to lately through this stripping down/building up process of mine. They are:
1. I don't think most churches (as in, buildings with Sunday morning services and members/attendees) are focused on living like Jesus. (See previous post) Until I can come to a place where I appreciate the church for what it is instead of what I want it to be, I cannot bring myself to attend at this time in my life. I DO, however, believe that a community of believers is essential, so right now the young adult bible study I attend is my "church" and I feel like it is currently beautifully fulfilling all those parts of me that long to be a part of a church.
2. I don't believe the concept of "sin" is black and white AT ALL. For example, I don't believe some things are simply wrong and some simply right. My working definition of sin is something that comes in the way of a)your ability to love Jesus, b)your ability to love others or c)others' ability to love Jesus and others. I hate to sound like a relativist, but I really do think that by this definition, sins can be different for some people than they are for others. Many of them are the same for everyone too, like murder. (Feel free to show me a me someone who is not mentally ill who can murder without affecting their love for others (the person they killed?) and for Jesus, the ultimate pacifist) Its all the grey "sins" that I think can be different for people-for example- drinking, gambling, swearing, sex, and even homosexuality.
3. I'm struggling with the concept of prayer. I'm still not sure where I am on this one. Stay tuned.
4. This is the last one, but the most important one. This is the concept that my faith is literally built on, and if you take it away, nothing else matters. And that is LOVE. And out of love comes huge things like social justice, living simply and environmental sustainability. It is this concept of love that is challenging me to the very core of my being.
I'm re-reading Shane Claiborne's "Irresistible Revolution" and every line he writes simultaneously comforts me (that I'm not the only person that thinks this way) and challenges me so hard that sometimes I feel like I'm being punched in the gut. I'm currently struggling with what it means to REALLY follow Jesus. If I'm not going to reflect His love through my actions, then I might as well forget about confirming His words with my lips.
Right now, I am not loving the way I feel I should. I am sitting in a comfortable, air conditioned apartment, typing on my expensive computer about my feelings while my brothers and sisters in Christ are starving, homeless, sick and needy. I am planning vacations while my neighbors are suffering. I am using my education to care for white middle & upper class well-insured women who have a million provider options while there are poor pregnant people who might NEED me. I'm not saying necessarily that all these things I'm doing are wrong, but clearly I'm not doing something right. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't even count how many blessings I have, and how many of them do I give to others or to the earth? Tithing 10% on Sundays and giving money to charity is an easy way to keep my distance from the actual need in the world while still patting myself on the back. How many homeless people do I even know? Zero. How many truly suffering people have I even talked to? Zero.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I don't know that Jesus is calling everyone to live like Shane does, but the world would sure be a better place with more people like him. All I know is that at the very least, I want to glorify Jesus with every last thing I own, every last minute of my day and in every encounter I have with others. This is proving very challenging at times and at others very natural, easy and rewarding.
I think it is going to be a process-and perhaps a long one-but again, at least I'm moving forward. And for now, that's enough.
