Sensitivity

One of the things I hate most about myself is how hypersensitive I am. Sometimes something someone says to me that rubs me the wrong way will bother me for weeks, months, or even years. Even more so, if I ever feel that something I did offended someone in any way, it eats away at me for the longest time. The fact that I'm completely non-confrontational doesn't help either...because I tend to let things roll off my back that really hurt me, and then I internalize it all, or lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it. I just HATE how something sooo small, that usually no one else cares about or notices, can ruin my whole day. I wish I could actually live the way I talk... "you shouldn't care what people think about you" or "I'm sure they didnt mean it that way" or "just forget about it, its not a big deal." But I physically can't do it. I just end up feeling like a doormat most of the time, and I hate it. I constantly worry 24/7 that someone is mad at me, or that someone doesn't think I'm a good friend, at the same time internalizing bitterness and frustration for people.

Sure, sometimes it is a good thing to be sensitive, primarily because it makes me hypersensitive to others. I absolutely go out of my way to make people feel loved, probably because sometimes I don't feel loved myself. I work my tail off to help my friends with wedding things, and of course part of that is because I enjoy it and love weddings, but its mostly because I love my friends and I want them to know it. But at the same time, during my wedding, I felt guilty and like a huge pain to all my friends when asking for help with the littlest things, even though I know its my own reality and not true reality. Being caring and sensitive toward others is a good thing, especially when I am going into a career someday that will really use those skills, but it sucks when it makes me feel unloved and unappreciated, for no reason at all.

I just wish it was a switch in me somehow- that I could turn on and off. Its exhausting....and I wish I could change, but I've been like this ever since I was little. I guess I just have to figure out how to deal with it constructively, instead of letting it eat away at me. I just wish it wasn't so difficult.