I'm going to write about something I've never written about before. My anxiety/worry. Ha! Apparently it hasn't gotten better. Actually, since hearing about the serial rapist (click the words...) in Columbus, it has increased 100 fold. The guy has attacked seven women, almost all fitting my description and location, in their homes, within miles from where I live.
My logic tells me not to panic. It won't do you any good. You are doing everything you can to stay safe...locking windows and doors, not going outside alone in the dark, staying aware of your surroundings, changing up your routine. Besides, Jay is with you during the time that most of the attacks occured, and all seven women have been alone. If only the right and left sides of my brain could agree. My emotional side says "screw you, logic! I'm freakin scared!"
But why can't I figure out where to draw the line between being a healthy scared, leading me to be cautious and smart....and being so panic-ridden that I can't think about anything else, won't take the bus, and almost cry myself to sleep every night? It is so exhausting and so frustrating.
Sunday School answer time...right? PRAY about it. READ the Bible for comfort...etc.etc.etc....
Okay. I pretty much pray about it ALL the time. Constantly. Thankfully, after heeding some advice from my incredibly intelligent sister, I have started praying the RIGHT way about it. Instead of simply praying that he wont "get" me, I pray that the police will have wisdom to catch this guy, that me and every other woman in Columbus will be alert and cautious, that I will not put myself in dangerous situations, even that He will work in the heart of the rapist. I read and repeat scripture to myself as well....you know, the whole "do not be anxious about anything...." passage and such.
These things are supposed to bring me comfort and peace, right? So why aren't they? Why do I still feel like I am living in fear, especially when I am alone in my own apartment? Why do I have this incredible paranoia?
Am I just crazy or am I lacking in faith?
Is it horrible that I hope its the former?
11.22.2008
10.22.2008
Touching on a touchy subject...
As I was in the midst of procrastinating for the day, I came across a recent blog from my friend Dave. It talked about some issues that I find to be near and dear to my heart....so I thought I'd write my own blog to get some of my thoughts on paper. I mean...computer. Whatever.
Growing up in a family with a homosexual family member, it has always been a slightly touchy subject for me, and I was always a little scared to look into it or talk about it. When I got to college and was instructed to write a 10 page research paper on a topic, it was easy to choose, and I learned a lot through my paper and throughout the rest of college with my biology major, psychology minor and religion classes.
Bottom line: I am so ashamed of the way the Church (used loosely here) treats homosexuals. I've always been a "bleeding heart", and perhaps this is just another one of those times where I sit and think about the person and how they feel inside rather than what they do or say on the outside. I don't think the issue within the church right now is whether homosexuality is right or wrong (that can be a whole other topic for another day...), but rather how we can love homosexuals with CHRIST'S love, and help them feel comfortable in a body of believers and get to a place where they have a personal, deep relationship with God, allowing Him to speak to their hearts in a way no human can.
For some reason, homosexuality seems to be the "ultimate" sin in the Church....even though it is clearly also taught that all sins are equal. If a homosexual lifestyle is considered a sin (which like I said, is a whole different topic here...), then why is it given a special, SEPARATE place in the hearts of those who condemn it?
When you are watching TV....in which situation are you more apt to feel saddened by the amount of sin you are watching across the screen? Would it be while watching 24, where at least 100 people are mercilessly murdered each episode, or watching a show that portrays a homosexual relationship or encounter? I, myself, am guilty for watching shows like 24 (just the first example that came to my head...a show I completely love by the way!) and being completely jaded and unaffected by the amount of death, even to the point of getting fired up and excited because the "bad guys" are getting killed! On the other hand, people are shocked and saddened when there is a homosexual scene or theme to a show. What is wrong with this picture?? Honestly, either be jaded by both shows (which I dont recommend...haha) or think about it and realize that one act is not above or below another in God's eyes.
In another example, as Dave stated in his blog...why is it okay to gloss over parts of scripture that talk about loving our neighbor and not using violence toward others, but hold firm to the parts that talk about the definition of marriage? This doesn't make sense to me! We are not in a position to pick and choose parts of the Bible to hold fast to and avert our eyes at others. Just because "everybody's doing it" and the fact that it seems to be a social norm and accepted practice doesn't make it right.
I think one reason for the fact that homosexuality is put on a different level is because it is usually a lifestyle-and in some people's eyes, a "decision" that one makes day after day. It is also a public affair, when the person decides to "come out", thus displaying it to the world whether they want to or not, rather than keeping something like an adulterous relationship or drug dependency under wraps for years so that no one will know about it. However, I think that people need to separate themselves from the black and white view of right and wrong, and use the brains that God has blessed them with, the hearts that He has provided as a channel directly to Him, and the fellowship of so many other people living the same struggles we do every day.
I did find in my research a physiological and genetic component to homosexuality. This means that it may not necessarily be the "choice" that some people think it is. No, there is no "gay gene", but there is certainly an underlying genetic predisposition to sexual issues in general, which may be played out as a pornography addiction, sexual addiction or dysfunction, or homosexuality. Just as there is a genetic component to predispose someone to be addicted to alcohol. However, in the alcohol situation, if a person doesn't touch alcohol for their entire lives, the genetic predisposition will probably not affect them. In a person with predisposition to sexual issues, it is something that will affect them day after day of their entire lives. Especially if they search for and find love-something everyone strives for.
Some churches tend to be "choosy" as to who they will open their arms to in welcome and acceptance. Do you think the church is more likely to open its doors to a person who has a problem with lying, stealing, or substance abuse...... or a homosexual? The answer to that question in most cases saddens me. No matter what your opinions are on right and wrong, or how much you disagree with someone else, we are still called to LOVE EVERYBODY. And what a horrible way to love somebody to deny them the experience of having a loving church home where they can feel accepted enough to be free and honest with God!!!
It is SO easy to point fingers at others. When its not you and your thoughts and feelings, the answers and solutions seem simple. You will tell the alcoholic "just stop drinking!" or the liar "just stop lying to people!" or the adulterer "just stop cheating on your husband!" or the homosexual "just stop having romantic feelings for members of the same sex!" However, if you have ever been in one of those situations, it is not that simple. Emotions, feelings, desires and predispositions are STRONG and are even harder to overcome than physical obstacles. And because levels of these things differ for everyone, it is impossible to know how somebody feels inside or how hard or impossible it feels for them to stop doing what they are doing. Homosexuality is not something that someone can "snap out of", and it saddens me that a lot of fundamentalists tend to see it this way. And telling a homosexual to just stop doing what feels right to them is incredibly offensive...not to mention that it will make them want to tune out the rest of what you say.
I am a huge believer in Maslow's heirarchy of needs...I feel that it applies to so many situations in this world. If you havent had psych in a few years, I'll give you this diagram below that describes what I'm talking about. The theory basically says that you MUST meet people where they're at- once people have one layer of needs met, they will be searching for and wanting the next level. An illustration of this point would be the fact that a homeless person, who has no food, shelter or safety, is not going to be receptive to a message about self-actualization or self-esteem, because they can't even think that far ahead until their basic needs are met. This works for just about every situation. This is why missionaries must meet the basic needs of the people they are ministering to- before they can even open their mouths about Jesus and God's word.
Notice that "love and belonging" is the 3rd need-right after physiological and security needs. This is HUGE. And it also means that until people feel loved and that they belong, they are not going to be open to the higher levels of soul-searching and self discovery. That being said, the church needs to EMBRACE sinners, not turn them away. Before we can even get into a discussion of right and wrong, we need to first LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Once a person has established trust, belonging and love through a body of believers, they will be more receptive and open to whatever opinions you may have about their choices or lifestyle. Think abot it....would you rather a friend tell you that you have a drinking problem, or a stranger?
Honestly, until the Church can get this part right, I don't even want to open the doors for discussion on right and wrong. Once we can find it in our hearts to love and accept PEOPLE, we can engage in deeper debates about biblical marriage and homosexuality in the context of love and trust. This doesn't only apply to homosexuality, either...it can be true across the board. It just seems that for some reason, homosexuals are getting pushed from the church because of people expressing their opinion before expressing love. And that REALLY saddens me. Because I know for a fact that Jesus loves everyone no matter who they are, and I want to show everybody that before I start discussing my disagreement with something so personal as their lifestyle and feelings.
I am not sure of the coherence of this post...it kind of came out in fragmented thoughts rather than well thought out and organized, but lets face it...I dont have time to proof-read. :) I just hope that I got my message across, and that people gathered that:
1) I am not condoning or condemning a homosexual lifestyle, (maybe my next post I'll dive into that...) but I do feel strongly that it is not simply a "choice" and that there is a huge need for sensitivity in the Church
2) I am not saying that Christians don't have a responsibility to judge, or that they should gloss over and accept things that they feel are wrong. Healthy debates are important and meangingful, however, they must be in the context of love and trust.
I suppose I should start studying for midterms now. Haha. Your thoughts?
Growing up in a family with a homosexual family member, it has always been a slightly touchy subject for me, and I was always a little scared to look into it or talk about it. When I got to college and was instructed to write a 10 page research paper on a topic, it was easy to choose, and I learned a lot through my paper and throughout the rest of college with my biology major, psychology minor and religion classes.
Bottom line: I am so ashamed of the way the Church (used loosely here) treats homosexuals. I've always been a "bleeding heart", and perhaps this is just another one of those times where I sit and think about the person and how they feel inside rather than what they do or say on the outside. I don't think the issue within the church right now is whether homosexuality is right or wrong (that can be a whole other topic for another day...), but rather how we can love homosexuals with CHRIST'S love, and help them feel comfortable in a body of believers and get to a place where they have a personal, deep relationship with God, allowing Him to speak to their hearts in a way no human can.
For some reason, homosexuality seems to be the "ultimate" sin in the Church....even though it is clearly also taught that all sins are equal. If a homosexual lifestyle is considered a sin (which like I said, is a whole different topic here...), then why is it given a special, SEPARATE place in the hearts of those who condemn it?
When you are watching TV....in which situation are you more apt to feel saddened by the amount of sin you are watching across the screen? Would it be while watching 24, where at least 100 people are mercilessly murdered each episode, or watching a show that portrays a homosexual relationship or encounter? I, myself, am guilty for watching shows like 24 (just the first example that came to my head...a show I completely love by the way!) and being completely jaded and unaffected by the amount of death, even to the point of getting fired up and excited because the "bad guys" are getting killed! On the other hand, people are shocked and saddened when there is a homosexual scene or theme to a show. What is wrong with this picture?? Honestly, either be jaded by both shows (which I dont recommend...haha) or think about it and realize that one act is not above or below another in God's eyes.
In another example, as Dave stated in his blog...why is it okay to gloss over parts of scripture that talk about loving our neighbor and not using violence toward others, but hold firm to the parts that talk about the definition of marriage? This doesn't make sense to me! We are not in a position to pick and choose parts of the Bible to hold fast to and avert our eyes at others. Just because "everybody's doing it" and the fact that it seems to be a social norm and accepted practice doesn't make it right.
I think one reason for the fact that homosexuality is put on a different level is because it is usually a lifestyle-and in some people's eyes, a "decision" that one makes day after day. It is also a public affair, when the person decides to "come out", thus displaying it to the world whether they want to or not, rather than keeping something like an adulterous relationship or drug dependency under wraps for years so that no one will know about it. However, I think that people need to separate themselves from the black and white view of right and wrong, and use the brains that God has blessed them with, the hearts that He has provided as a channel directly to Him, and the fellowship of so many other people living the same struggles we do every day.
I did find in my research a physiological and genetic component to homosexuality. This means that it may not necessarily be the "choice" that some people think it is. No, there is no "gay gene", but there is certainly an underlying genetic predisposition to sexual issues in general, which may be played out as a pornography addiction, sexual addiction or dysfunction, or homosexuality. Just as there is a genetic component to predispose someone to be addicted to alcohol. However, in the alcohol situation, if a person doesn't touch alcohol for their entire lives, the genetic predisposition will probably not affect them. In a person with predisposition to sexual issues, it is something that will affect them day after day of their entire lives. Especially if they search for and find love-something everyone strives for.
Some churches tend to be "choosy" as to who they will open their arms to in welcome and acceptance. Do you think the church is more likely to open its doors to a person who has a problem with lying, stealing, or substance abuse...... or a homosexual? The answer to that question in most cases saddens me. No matter what your opinions are on right and wrong, or how much you disagree with someone else, we are still called to LOVE EVERYBODY. And what a horrible way to love somebody to deny them the experience of having a loving church home where they can feel accepted enough to be free and honest with God!!!
It is SO easy to point fingers at others. When its not you and your thoughts and feelings, the answers and solutions seem simple. You will tell the alcoholic "just stop drinking!" or the liar "just stop lying to people!" or the adulterer "just stop cheating on your husband!" or the homosexual "just stop having romantic feelings for members of the same sex!" However, if you have ever been in one of those situations, it is not that simple. Emotions, feelings, desires and predispositions are STRONG and are even harder to overcome than physical obstacles. And because levels of these things differ for everyone, it is impossible to know how somebody feels inside or how hard or impossible it feels for them to stop doing what they are doing. Homosexuality is not something that someone can "snap out of", and it saddens me that a lot of fundamentalists tend to see it this way. And telling a homosexual to just stop doing what feels right to them is incredibly offensive...not to mention that it will make them want to tune out the rest of what you say.
I am a huge believer in Maslow's heirarchy of needs...I feel that it applies to so many situations in this world. If you havent had psych in a few years, I'll give you this diagram below that describes what I'm talking about. The theory basically says that you MUST meet people where they're at- once people have one layer of needs met, they will be searching for and wanting the next level. An illustration of this point would be the fact that a homeless person, who has no food, shelter or safety, is not going to be receptive to a message about self-actualization or self-esteem, because they can't even think that far ahead until their basic needs are met. This works for just about every situation. This is why missionaries must meet the basic needs of the people they are ministering to- before they can even open their mouths about Jesus and God's word.
Notice that "love and belonging" is the 3rd need-right after physiological and security needs. This is HUGE. And it also means that until people feel loved and that they belong, they are not going to be open to the higher levels of soul-searching and self discovery. That being said, the church needs to EMBRACE sinners, not turn them away. Before we can even get into a discussion of right and wrong, we need to first LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Once a person has established trust, belonging and love through a body of believers, they will be more receptive and open to whatever opinions you may have about their choices or lifestyle. Think abot it....would you rather a friend tell you that you have a drinking problem, or a stranger?Honestly, until the Church can get this part right, I don't even want to open the doors for discussion on right and wrong. Once we can find it in our hearts to love and accept PEOPLE, we can engage in deeper debates about biblical marriage and homosexuality in the context of love and trust. This doesn't only apply to homosexuality, either...it can be true across the board. It just seems that for some reason, homosexuals are getting pushed from the church because of people expressing their opinion before expressing love. And that REALLY saddens me. Because I know for a fact that Jesus loves everyone no matter who they are, and I want to show everybody that before I start discussing my disagreement with something so personal as their lifestyle and feelings.
I am not sure of the coherence of this post...it kind of came out in fragmented thoughts rather than well thought out and organized, but lets face it...I dont have time to proof-read. :) I just hope that I got my message across, and that people gathered that:
1) I am not condoning or condemning a homosexual lifestyle, (maybe my next post I'll dive into that...) but I do feel strongly that it is not simply a "choice" and that there is a huge need for sensitivity in the Church
2) I am not saying that Christians don't have a responsibility to judge, or that they should gloss over and accept things that they feel are wrong. Healthy debates are important and meangingful, however, they must be in the context of love and trust.
I suppose I should start studying for midterms now. Haha. Your thoughts?
9.22.2008
Can I take it back?
I start school on Wednesday. YIKES!
For SO long I have been working towards this. I studied hard (most of the time :-P) in college, did intense research into schools, took the GRE, visited schools, spent 3-4 months writing and perfecting essays, moved to Hermitage, moved to Nashville, moved to Mount Vernon, moved to Columbus, lived with both sets of my parents, got my immunizations, bought my equipment, took Pharmacology over the summer and made sure to get all my paperwork in.
For SO long, there has always been SOMETHING else on my list to do in preparation for all this, and now now....seriously....its time??
I am starting to panic a little bit. I have a bunch of friends in school...and lets just say I am NOT looking forward to being that busy again! In college, I was sooooo busy and I know this will be 100x worse.
I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to do, and now all that stands in the way of my dream is 3 years of education. Exciting, right? Yes, but even so, 3 years of year-round schooling is quite overwhelming. Am I really ready for this??
I know I am just being ridiculous, and I hope once I get "into the swing of things" the panic that is seizing my heart starts to fade a little bit. I know it will. I suppose its just the anticipation of this new beginning....and the amazement that it is actually becoming a reality after SO much time and hard work! Here we go!!!
For SO long I have been working towards this. I studied hard (most of the time :-P) in college, did intense research into schools, took the GRE, visited schools, spent 3-4 months writing and perfecting essays, moved to Hermitage, moved to Nashville, moved to Mount Vernon, moved to Columbus, lived with both sets of my parents, got my immunizations, bought my equipment, took Pharmacology over the summer and made sure to get all my paperwork in.
For SO long, there has always been SOMETHING else on my list to do in preparation for all this, and now now....seriously....its time??
I am starting to panic a little bit. I have a bunch of friends in school...and lets just say I am NOT looking forward to being that busy again! In college, I was sooooo busy and I know this will be 100x worse.
I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to do, and now all that stands in the way of my dream is 3 years of education. Exciting, right? Yes, but even so, 3 years of year-round schooling is quite overwhelming. Am I really ready for this??
I know I am just being ridiculous, and I hope once I get "into the swing of things" the panic that is seizing my heart starts to fade a little bit. I know it will. I suppose its just the anticipation of this new beginning....and the amazement that it is actually becoming a reality after SO much time and hard work! Here we go!!!
9.04.2008
Worry
One of the things I hate most about myself is how much I worry. About E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. For example...right now I am worrying about Trot. His new owner hasn't been returning my emails or phone calls lately and I'm freaking out. When Trot was with us still, I worried about him constantly. I acted like an overprotective mother (I may have had some excuse, considering my first puppy was killed in the same house...but not to the extent I worried) all the time, not ever letting him out of my sight.
I worry about things a lot of people worry about...like moving, school starting, living in a new state, finances, etc.....but I worry about things I have no business worrying about also. I worry about death a lot-not necessarily about me dying, but having people close to me dying. I watch tragedies on the news and every time realize it could have been someone I loved. Being aware of death in a sense is a good thing, because I try to treat every moment with someone as if it was my last, but the worry consumes me whole and I can't look past it. I worry about my brothers, and the lifestyles they lead, I worry about Jay driving home from work, I worry about my family and friends, I worry about everything that comes into my mind throughout the day. I'm SO tired of it. Its an exhausting full-time job that I would be happy to rid from my life.
I know the sunday school answer....and there are certainly Bible verses that come to mind that DO help me feel a little more calm amidst my deepest worrying moments....
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
An anxious heart weighs a man down….
Proverbs 12:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27
All wonderful, comforting verses. However, simply reading a verse and willing myself to trust and not worry doesn't work. It is ingrained in my personality. To some extent, having faith should begin to take away my worry, but what do I do with what's left? If I believe it hard enough, it should happen, right?
So why do I still worry?
I worry about things a lot of people worry about...like moving, school starting, living in a new state, finances, etc.....but I worry about things I have no business worrying about also. I worry about death a lot-not necessarily about me dying, but having people close to me dying. I watch tragedies on the news and every time realize it could have been someone I loved. Being aware of death in a sense is a good thing, because I try to treat every moment with someone as if it was my last, but the worry consumes me whole and I can't look past it. I worry about my brothers, and the lifestyles they lead, I worry about Jay driving home from work, I worry about my family and friends, I worry about everything that comes into my mind throughout the day. I'm SO tired of it. Its an exhausting full-time job that I would be happy to rid from my life.
I know the sunday school answer....and there are certainly Bible verses that come to mind that DO help me feel a little more calm amidst my deepest worrying moments....
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
An anxious heart weighs a man down….
Proverbs 12:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27
All wonderful, comforting verses. However, simply reading a verse and willing myself to trust and not worry doesn't work. It is ingrained in my personality. To some extent, having faith should begin to take away my worry, but what do I do with what's left? If I believe it hard enough, it should happen, right?
So why do I still worry?
8.28.2008
Patience...A lesson not learned yet.
One of my favorite things to do is look back through my old blogs....usually to see how different things were, to see how much has changed, and how much I've grown.
Sometimes, however, I find that some things haven't changed much at all. Specifically, I've found a common theme among some of my past blogs, and more importantly, one that has woven itself through my recent thoughts as well-and that is lack of patience.
No matter where I am in life, I'm always reaching and pining for the next step...and while some degree of determination and drive is good, I think that a lot of times I do it to the extent of not enjoying where I am in life, right NOW. Examples:
June 20, 2007:
"It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God."
February 13, 2008:
"So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing."
Doesn't seem like I've learned to trust God much at all, does it? My posts sound exactly the same from the past 3 years. I suppose this is a lesson I will constantly struggle with, and have to put extra energy and effort into faith and trust and LETTING GO. Haha. Hopefully one of my blog posts a year from now can bring this post up and I will talk about how great I've been doing. ;-) One can only hope!
Sometimes, however, I find that some things haven't changed much at all. Specifically, I've found a common theme among some of my past blogs, and more importantly, one that has woven itself through my recent thoughts as well-and that is lack of patience.
No matter where I am in life, I'm always reaching and pining for the next step...and while some degree of determination and drive is good, I think that a lot of times I do it to the extent of not enjoying where I am in life, right NOW. Examples:
August 08, 2005:
"I am excited to get back to school. I'm ready to be busy again, to feel like I'm working toward a goal....Its almost like I'm on hold from my future. I know I should be enjoying my time right now, and I definitely am, and there are many things that I love about college....having my friends closeby, living with Jen, not really having to worry about finding a job or making money, etc...but I am so excited to graduate, get married, apply to PA school....so on and so on. It will come. I just need to be patient." March 13, 2007: |
"It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God."
February 13, 2008:
"So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing."
Doesn't seem like I've learned to trust God much at all, does it? My posts sound exactly the same from the past 3 years. I suppose this is a lesson I will constantly struggle with, and have to put extra energy and effort into faith and trust and LETTING GO. Haha. Hopefully one of my blog posts a year from now can bring this post up and I will talk about how great I've been doing. ;-) One can only hope!
8.07.2008
Sadness
Many people might think I am ridiculous for being so distraught about giving away a dog, but I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. This is so hard! So many things running through my mind....I hope he's safe and happy, I hope they are taking good care of him, I wonder if he misses me and wonders where his mom is and when she is coming back to get him...I miss him so, so much. He was my pal...he was always there when I was lonely, when Jay is away, he loved unconditionally and he trusted me completely since he was a puppy. I feel like such a horrible mother for letting him into stranger's hands. I KNOW it was the right decision....I KNOW these people will probably take good care of him, I KNOW that dogs are adaptable and he will probably be just fine, and I KNOW that when I start school I wouldn't be able to give him the time and attention he requires. Unfortunately, knowing all this doesn't heal my heart. I wish it would! I hate the disconnect between emotions and rational. I wish I could just tell my heart to put itself back together, and my overactive tear ducts to quit it. But I can't. I just have to wait for time to heal me I suppose...its not the first time I've done that.
I DO love my husband though. He may not like dogs very much, but he does love me amazingly well. He is probably the best husband in the whole world. I can't tell him enough. I can't believe we are quickly approaching our 2 year anniversary. We have been through SO much together already. 2 huge country-wide moves, living with family, new jobs and friends, and staying in touch with old friends. I wouldn't ever want anyone else by my side. I don't think I could make it in this world without him. I thank God every day that he saved him for me to marry. :)
Recognizing how blessed I am to have Jay, family and friends helps me keep perspective and helps me keep my head up despite the pain. It is hard work to keep your head up, but I am trying. And hopefully every day will get easier...
I DO love my husband though. He may not like dogs very much, but he does love me amazingly well. He is probably the best husband in the whole world. I can't tell him enough. I can't believe we are quickly approaching our 2 year anniversary. We have been through SO much together already. 2 huge country-wide moves, living with family, new jobs and friends, and staying in touch with old friends. I wouldn't ever want anyone else by my side. I don't think I could make it in this world without him. I thank God every day that he saved him for me to marry. :)
Recognizing how blessed I am to have Jay, family and friends helps me keep perspective and helps me keep my head up despite the pain. It is hard work to keep your head up, but I am trying. And hopefully every day will get easier...
8.04.2008
Have you ever googled yourself?
Hilarious cure for boredom or depression.
Picture results for "kara govoni"
I do need to mention that a lot of the pictures that came up were Dave Capozzi blog posts. After some research I realized that there is a link to my blog on his page titled "Kara Govoni"....ahh yes, it all makes sense now. :)
Picture results for "kara govoni"
I do need to mention that a lot of the pictures that came up were Dave Capozzi blog posts. After some research I realized that there is a link to my blog on his page titled "Kara Govoni"....ahh yes, it all makes sense now. :)
6.22.2008
where's the balance?
Lately i've been struggling with the issue of defined "sin". Obviously, there are points in the Bible where God clearly denounces some things multiple times, and deviation from those is considered sin (i.e. 10 commandments). However, the rest of the Bible's messages sometimes intertwine and even at times contradict themselves, and a lot of the things considered "sins" by the Church today are very gray areas, not clearly defined in the Bible.
Can you truly depend on your intuition and the brain and soul God gave you, in addition to cues from the Holy Spirit on these gray areas?
What if this area remains gray for years, despite your best efforts to sort it through and prayers for guidance?
What if you finally form an opinion and it turns out to be wrong?
What if you disagree with certain views of the Church as a whole, because what they preach doesn't make sense to you?
How do we decipher which "laws" in the Bible we are supposed to take literally and which we can realize were put in place for a culture and time very far from where we are now? How do we deal with contradictions between the old and new testaments?
Your thoughts...
Can you truly depend on your intuition and the brain and soul God gave you, in addition to cues from the Holy Spirit on these gray areas?
What if this area remains gray for years, despite your best efforts to sort it through and prayers for guidance?
What if you finally form an opinion and it turns out to be wrong?
What if you disagree with certain views of the Church as a whole, because what they preach doesn't make sense to you?
How do we decipher which "laws" in the Bible we are supposed to take literally and which we can realize were put in place for a culture and time very far from where we are now? How do we deal with contradictions between the old and new testaments?
Your thoughts...
6.03.2008
More thoughts
I have recently begun volunteering at CareNet, which is a Christian-run national crisis pregnancy center, and there just happens to be one in Mt Vernon. It has been great so far, the volunteer training is intense though...classes, reading, videos....it has taken me forever to get through it! Its been really great though, since my eventual goal is to be a midwife for teenagers that have crisis pregnancy situations.
Being Christian-based, CareNet is obviously very pro-life. Until I started going through the training, I ashamedly admit that I wasn't exactly sure where I stood on abortion. Ironically, I am anti-war and anti-death penalty, but couldn't bring myself to fully call myself pro-life! I never called myself pro-choice either, I just wasn't sure, having a medical background and working for an OB/GYN who discussed abortions like they were no big deal and a normal part of life. Well, after being fully educated about the abortion procedure and its after-affects from a surprisingly un-biased standpoint (I was bracing myself for a fire and brimstone "Christian" lecture about abortion being of Satan) from Carenet, I can now confidently call myself pro-life in every aspect. Along with my pacifist-prone nature, it is not up to us to end any human life, whether born or unborn.
I am all for empowering women to make choices concerning their bodies, but when it comes down to it, abortion is the selfish way out. If a baby is carried to term, whether it will be parented or put up for adoption, everybody will know about the pregnancy, which can be avoided by aborting. The ONLY reason that abortion should even be discussed in my opinion is if carrying the child to term will endager the mother's life. Have you ever been told or read about the abortion procedure in depth? It just about made me cry. Look it up if you have never heard about it. It is absolutely horrifying. And yes, the procedure is usually relatively safe and has little side effects medically. (Not to say that there are never side effects or situations that will leave the woman sterile for the rest of her life)...but the emotional and psychological trauma is unmatched. Just hearing stories from fellow volunteers/coworkers at Carenet of girls who have come in post-abortion an absolute mess, wishing someone would have warned them what it would be like. It makes me devastated for the girls, and for the babies who had no chance to make their mark on the world.
I was surprised by the statistics that show that adoption is not chosen very often by women in crisis pregnancies. That also made me sad. There are SO many couples in the world who are infertile, and would be amazing parents. There couldn't be a better alternative to abortion out there! Either way, you are "giving up your baby". The difference is between ending the baby's life, and GIVING them a good life. Both are traumatic for the mother, but only one is traumatic for the baby AND the mother. Giving a child up for adoption is one of the most selfless, loving things a mother could ever do.
Just some things I've been thinking about lately, and just another thing I'm figuring out and praying about in my walk of faith that makes SENSE to me.
Being Christian-based, CareNet is obviously very pro-life. Until I started going through the training, I ashamedly admit that I wasn't exactly sure where I stood on abortion. Ironically, I am anti-war and anti-death penalty, but couldn't bring myself to fully call myself pro-life! I never called myself pro-choice either, I just wasn't sure, having a medical background and working for an OB/GYN who discussed abortions like they were no big deal and a normal part of life. Well, after being fully educated about the abortion procedure and its after-affects from a surprisingly un-biased standpoint (I was bracing myself for a fire and brimstone "Christian" lecture about abortion being of Satan) from Carenet, I can now confidently call myself pro-life in every aspect. Along with my pacifist-prone nature, it is not up to us to end any human life, whether born or unborn.
I am all for empowering women to make choices concerning their bodies, but when it comes down to it, abortion is the selfish way out. If a baby is carried to term, whether it will be parented or put up for adoption, everybody will know about the pregnancy, which can be avoided by aborting. The ONLY reason that abortion should even be discussed in my opinion is if carrying the child to term will endager the mother's life. Have you ever been told or read about the abortion procedure in depth? It just about made me cry. Look it up if you have never heard about it. It is absolutely horrifying. And yes, the procedure is usually relatively safe and has little side effects medically. (Not to say that there are never side effects or situations that will leave the woman sterile for the rest of her life)...but the emotional and psychological trauma is unmatched. Just hearing stories from fellow volunteers/coworkers at Carenet of girls who have come in post-abortion an absolute mess, wishing someone would have warned them what it would be like. It makes me devastated for the girls, and for the babies who had no chance to make their mark on the world.
I was surprised by the statistics that show that adoption is not chosen very often by women in crisis pregnancies. That also made me sad. There are SO many couples in the world who are infertile, and would be amazing parents. There couldn't be a better alternative to abortion out there! Either way, you are "giving up your baby". The difference is between ending the baby's life, and GIVING them a good life. Both are traumatic for the mother, but only one is traumatic for the baby AND the mother. Giving a child up for adoption is one of the most selfless, loving things a mother could ever do.
Just some things I've been thinking about lately, and just another thing I'm figuring out and praying about in my walk of faith that makes SENSE to me.
5.17.2008
5.16.2008
i think
Moving to Ohio has made me think a lot more than usual. It makes sense....I went from constantly having either a full time job or school for the past 20 or so years of my life, to not really having many responsibilities at all until school starts.
Thinking has been really refreshing for me. I had begun to wonder why no matter what I did, I felt a wall between me and God. I couldn't tell why it was there, or what I could do to get rid of it, but it was there, and I could feel it every time I tried to pray, read the Bible, go to church, or do anything "religious." And I think having these couple of months of thinking has finally helped me figure it out.
I started re-evaluating my life choices...where I put emphasis and why. I realized that my choices were completely based on society's (and even the church's'!) expectations rather than on my relationship with Jesus or the Bible. When I finally stripped down to the words of Jesus and my inner convictions that I believe are Holy-Spirit driven, I realized that I had been living my life wrong all along. The wall between God and I was built up because I was following "Christian" society...not Jesus.
As I have been realizing these things and beginning to make small changes toward the way I feel I should live, I have felt the wall slowly dissolve. I feel closer to Jesus than I ever have, and am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to THINK for once. How sad is it that in our career-driven, money-driven, work-driven success-driven lives that we don't even have time to breathe, let alone think. This isn't the way it is supposed to be. We work 80 hour weeks just to keep up with our lifestyles, when I think Jesus would prefer us to spend that time with family, friends, and HIM.
So what are these small life changes I have been slowly working towards? For one, I have been feeling convicted for a long time that Christians should be the most passionate environmental activists there are. God clearly put us in charge of this earth, and look what we've done to it! Personal small changes can make all the difference, but instead, we just adapt to society without even making a decision at all. I'm slowly trying to adjust my personal lifestyle to be more environmentally-friendly, and I still have a long way to go, but for the first time, I feel GOOD and RIGHT about the choices I'm making, even if it goes against the grain.
Consumerism is at a disgustingly high rate, and I don't even want to think about all the times I've bought something that I don't NEED. We live in excess....and this way of living is being force-fed to us by our country. We buy the most expensive things we can afford...the nicest houses, multiple ipods, TONS of clothes, etc...etc... and all because we think we NEED it. This is especially hard for me, because I love to shop and have new things as much or more as everyone else, especially electronic gadgets :). But buying new things never makes me happy. It makes me feel worse, because I know that the money I just spent on another pair of shoes could have gone towards paying off debt or buying a child clean water for a YEAR. I mean, when Jay and I lived in Nashville, the rent was so cheap compared to MA, that we got a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment, which was great, except that as cheap as our rent was, we could have been just as happy in a 1br/1ba and SAVED the extra money we could have spent. But we subconsciously felt that we had to get the biggest apartment we could afford- just because we could! It is this attitude that I want to try to slowly change in myself. I want to live a simpler, less cluttered life. I want to be financially smart-and make sure we have no debt, and that we give with cheerful hearts. Easier said than done, but with God's help, it can be done!
These are just two of the many life changes I am desperately whittling away at. I know it can't be done overnight, so for now, I am content changing little things at a time until the wall is completely gone and I can rest in my Father's arms.
Thinking has been really refreshing for me. I had begun to wonder why no matter what I did, I felt a wall between me and God. I couldn't tell why it was there, or what I could do to get rid of it, but it was there, and I could feel it every time I tried to pray, read the Bible, go to church, or do anything "religious." And I think having these couple of months of thinking has finally helped me figure it out.
I started re-evaluating my life choices...where I put emphasis and why. I realized that my choices were completely based on society's (and even the church's'!) expectations rather than on my relationship with Jesus or the Bible. When I finally stripped down to the words of Jesus and my inner convictions that I believe are Holy-Spirit driven, I realized that I had been living my life wrong all along. The wall between God and I was built up because I was following "Christian" society...not Jesus.
As I have been realizing these things and beginning to make small changes toward the way I feel I should live, I have felt the wall slowly dissolve. I feel closer to Jesus than I ever have, and am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to THINK for once. How sad is it that in our career-driven, money-driven, work-driven success-driven lives that we don't even have time to breathe, let alone think. This isn't the way it is supposed to be. We work 80 hour weeks just to keep up with our lifestyles, when I think Jesus would prefer us to spend that time with family, friends, and HIM.
So what are these small life changes I have been slowly working towards? For one, I have been feeling convicted for a long time that Christians should be the most passionate environmental activists there are. God clearly put us in charge of this earth, and look what we've done to it! Personal small changes can make all the difference, but instead, we just adapt to society without even making a decision at all. I'm slowly trying to adjust my personal lifestyle to be more environmentally-friendly, and I still have a long way to go, but for the first time, I feel GOOD and RIGHT about the choices I'm making, even if it goes against the grain.
Consumerism is at a disgustingly high rate, and I don't even want to think about all the times I've bought something that I don't NEED. We live in excess....and this way of living is being force-fed to us by our country. We buy the most expensive things we can afford...the nicest houses, multiple ipods, TONS of clothes, etc...etc... and all because we think we NEED it. This is especially hard for me, because I love to shop and have new things as much or more as everyone else, especially electronic gadgets :). But buying new things never makes me happy. It makes me feel worse, because I know that the money I just spent on another pair of shoes could have gone towards paying off debt or buying a child clean water for a YEAR. I mean, when Jay and I lived in Nashville, the rent was so cheap compared to MA, that we got a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment, which was great, except that as cheap as our rent was, we could have been just as happy in a 1br/1ba and SAVED the extra money we could have spent. But we subconsciously felt that we had to get the biggest apartment we could afford- just because we could! It is this attitude that I want to try to slowly change in myself. I want to live a simpler, less cluttered life. I want to be financially smart-and make sure we have no debt, and that we give with cheerful hearts. Easier said than done, but with God's help, it can be done!
These are just two of the many life changes I am desperately whittling away at. I know it can't be done overnight, so for now, I am content changing little things at a time until the wall is completely gone and I can rest in my Father's arms.
5.09.2008
Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh
I just have to vent for a minute.
I was browsing some groups, (because I have nothing better to do....) trying to find some with some good intellectual conversations that involve members who do not feel that science and religion need to contradict. These are a few names of some groups I found during my search:
"Creation science-making evolution look stupid"
"Creation (God's children) vs. Evolution (charles darwin's worshippers)
"Its call creation not evolution" (yes, including the typo and all!)
"Creation rules, evolution drules" (again, not my typo!)
"Evolution is a scam, God is the real deal!"
"Students who believe in a creator God and not the silly idea of evolution"
"God created the world in 6 days. Evolution is asinine."
"Evolution, Schmevolution; I believe in GOD."
.....Really?
Honestly, sometimes I cringe just calling myself a Christian.
I don't care if you believe in 6 day creationism, or if you accept the scientific theory of evolution, or if you (like me) feel they can coexist and support one another.
Either way, don't be ignorant. Don't put others down who have differing opinions than your own.
I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't have titled these groups as such, or even made them at all.
End of rant. Thank you. :)
I was browsing some groups, (because I have nothing better to do....) trying to find some with some good intellectual conversations that involve members who do not feel that science and religion need to contradict. These are a few names of some groups I found during my search:
"Creation science-making evolution look stupid"
"Creation (God's children) vs. Evolution (charles darwin's worshippers)
"Its call creation not evolution" (yes, including the typo and all!)
"Creation rules, evolution drules" (again, not my typo!)
"Evolution is a scam, God is the real deal!"
"Students who believe in a creator God and not the silly idea of evolution"
"God created the world in 6 days. Evolution is asinine."
"Evolution, Schmevolution; I believe in GOD."
.....Really?
Honestly, sometimes I cringe just calling myself a Christian.
I don't care if you believe in 6 day creationism, or if you accept the scientific theory of evolution, or if you (like me) feel they can coexist and support one another.
Either way, don't be ignorant. Don't put others down who have differing opinions than your own.
I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't have titled these groups as such, or even made them at all.
End of rant. Thank you. :)
5.06.2008
I took some quizzes for fun...
Interesting results:
"What religion are you" Quiz:
1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Orthodox Quaker (90%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (79%)
5. Bahá'à Faith (77%)
6. Unitarian Universalism (75%)
7. Seventh Day Adventist (64%)
8. Reform Judaism (56%)
9. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (54%)
10. Neo-Pagan (54%)
11. Sikhism (53%)
12. Taoism (53%)
13. Mahayana Buddhism (51%)
14. Secular Humanism (51%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (51%)
16. Eastern Orthodox (50%)
17. Roman Catholic (50%)
18. Jainism (49%)
19. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (47%)
20. New Age (46%)
21. Islam (45%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (45%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (38%)
24. Nontheist (34%)
25. New Thought (26%)
26. Hinduism (25%)
27. Scientology (23%)
"What protestant denomination are you?" Quiz:
(100%) 1: Liberal/Progressive Protestants
(93%) 2: Reformed
(91%) 3: Bible/Nondenominational
(90%) 4: Lutheran
(88%) 5: Baptist
(85%) 6: Presbyterian
(85%) 7: Wesleyan/Methodist
(82%) 8: Anabaptist/Pietist
(82%) 9: Anglican
(76%) 10: Charismatic/Pentecostal
These were fun and interesting to do, but it made me think a lot. I am Nazarene because that is what I was born into, and what my husband was brought into as a teenager. However, lately I've been trying to strip away the messages pounded into me my whole life and really get to the basis of what I believe and why I believe it. And the scary fact is that while I've been doing this, I am starting to believe that the bulk of Christians have it all wrong. I am not claiming to know what "right" is, but something isn't working...something isn't making sense and I don't think it will until I figure out what it is and how to fix it.
There are so many beautiful things that can be drawn out of different religions and faiths that just make sense to me, sometimes even more than things I've been taught over the years. I've come to realize that I don't HAVE to believe these things. I have to be true to my heart, and trust that the Lord is leading me down a path of truth. The guilt and fear I feel throughout this process is directly related to being nervous about the possibility of figuring out that my beliefs are not my parents', my churches', or even my "denominations'". But without this spiritual journey, there is a looming schism between me and God- one that I want to erase for good.
Things that DO make sense to me:
After reading Dave's most recent post, I started thinking about anabaptist culture. Much to my husband's ridicule, I have pretty much been obsessed with Amish/Mennonite culture since I went on an interterm trip to Lancaster, PA in high school. Their ways of life are so different-and beautiful. There are definitely major points of their religious system that I do not agree with, but their way of life is simple, and freeing.
The Amish live simply. They make/grow their own food, wear simple clothing that they mend themselves, build their own homes and barns, and do not have trinkets or modern conveniences of any kind. They put a huge emphasis on family, taking special care of their elderly and children especially. I think this is so important- and doesn't usually hit close to home for people until someone in your family that you love dies. There's always guilty feelings like "If only I had spent more time with them...cared for them more...made sure they knew I loved them...etc." Family is so important to me, and that just makes sense.
The Amish/Anabaptists in general are also pacifists, which I am strongly drawn to as well. Nothing else makes sense to me, but to turn the other cheek and not use means of violence or take other's lives as Jesus taught. I understand WHY we go to war (to "protect our country", to "save" others' countries) and I am still a little fuzzy on what is justifiable war, mostly due to lack of knowledge. But what I do know is that Jesus did not fight back when He was on the cross, and he did not once justify any kind of violence or the practice of taking God's job of judgment into human hands.
Besides anabaptist values, other things that make sense to me include loving others unconditionally, making social justice the #1 concern of the Church, living below your means/not living extravagantly, giving time and money to charity, protecting the environment and helping others at all costs. These are things I do not see addressed often in churches I've attended.
I think the POINT of Christianity should be to LOVE others and HELP the underserved primarily. Not to drive to church on Sunday mornings in a fancy car, raise your hands on cue for the 3.5 praise songs, smile and nod during a sermon, give your 10% because you're "supposed" to, and then go home to your nice house and delicious dinner until next week.
Like I said before, I still haven't quite figured out exactly what I believe and why I believe it, but I do know that something has to change. At least inside of me and my family.
"What religion are you" Quiz:
1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Orthodox Quaker (90%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (79%)
5. Bahá'à Faith (77%)
6. Unitarian Universalism (75%)
7. Seventh Day Adventist (64%)
8. Reform Judaism (56%)
9. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (54%)
10. Neo-Pagan (54%)
11. Sikhism (53%)
12. Taoism (53%)
13. Mahayana Buddhism (51%)
14. Secular Humanism (51%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (51%)
16. Eastern Orthodox (50%)
17. Roman Catholic (50%)
18. Jainism (49%)
19. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (47%)
20. New Age (46%)
21. Islam (45%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (45%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (38%)
24. Nontheist (34%)
25. New Thought (26%)
26. Hinduism (25%)
27. Scientology (23%)
"What protestant denomination are you?" Quiz:
(100%) 1: Liberal/Progressive Protestants
(93%) 2: Reformed
(91%) 3: Bible/Nondenominational
(90%) 4: Lutheran
(88%) 5: Baptist
(85%) 6: Presbyterian
(85%) 7: Wesleyan/Methodist
(82%) 8: Anabaptist/Pietist
(82%) 9: Anglican
(76%) 10: Charismatic/Pentecostal
These were fun and interesting to do, but it made me think a lot. I am Nazarene because that is what I was born into, and what my husband was brought into as a teenager. However, lately I've been trying to strip away the messages pounded into me my whole life and really get to the basis of what I believe and why I believe it. And the scary fact is that while I've been doing this, I am starting to believe that the bulk of Christians have it all wrong. I am not claiming to know what "right" is, but something isn't working...something isn't making sense and I don't think it will until I figure out what it is and how to fix it.
There are so many beautiful things that can be drawn out of different religions and faiths that just make sense to me, sometimes even more than things I've been taught over the years. I've come to realize that I don't HAVE to believe these things. I have to be true to my heart, and trust that the Lord is leading me down a path of truth. The guilt and fear I feel throughout this process is directly related to being nervous about the possibility of figuring out that my beliefs are not my parents', my churches', or even my "denominations'". But without this spiritual journey, there is a looming schism between me and God- one that I want to erase for good.
Things that DO make sense to me:
After reading Dave's most recent post, I started thinking about anabaptist culture. Much to my husband's ridicule, I have pretty much been obsessed with Amish/Mennonite culture since I went on an interterm trip to Lancaster, PA in high school. Their ways of life are so different-and beautiful. There are definitely major points of their religious system that I do not agree with, but their way of life is simple, and freeing.
The Amish live simply. They make/grow their own food, wear simple clothing that they mend themselves, build their own homes and barns, and do not have trinkets or modern conveniences of any kind. They put a huge emphasis on family, taking special care of their elderly and children especially. I think this is so important- and doesn't usually hit close to home for people until someone in your family that you love dies. There's always guilty feelings like "If only I had spent more time with them...cared for them more...made sure they knew I loved them...etc." Family is so important to me, and that just makes sense.
The Amish/Anabaptists in general are also pacifists, which I am strongly drawn to as well. Nothing else makes sense to me, but to turn the other cheek and not use means of violence or take other's lives as Jesus taught. I understand WHY we go to war (to "protect our country", to "save" others' countries) and I am still a little fuzzy on what is justifiable war, mostly due to lack of knowledge. But what I do know is that Jesus did not fight back when He was on the cross, and he did not once justify any kind of violence or the practice of taking God's job of judgment into human hands.
Besides anabaptist values, other things that make sense to me include loving others unconditionally, making social justice the #1 concern of the Church, living below your means/not living extravagantly, giving time and money to charity, protecting the environment and helping others at all costs. These are things I do not see addressed often in churches I've attended.
I think the POINT of Christianity should be to LOVE others and HELP the underserved primarily. Not to drive to church on Sunday mornings in a fancy car, raise your hands on cue for the 3.5 praise songs, smile and nod during a sermon, give your 10% because you're "supposed" to, and then go home to your nice house and delicious dinner until next week.
Like I said before, I still haven't quite figured out exactly what I believe and why I believe it, but I do know that something has to change. At least inside of me and my family.
5.02.2008
Terrified of the Buckeye
Yeah, I'm terrified of grad school. I met with my advisor and she made me almost pee my pants. OSU is big. REALLY big. And everything about it is scary.
I miss my friends. A lot.
I miss my friends. A lot.
4.11.2008
Sick as a dog
My last post was written literally RIGHT before my week of hell began. I was perfectly healthy when I wrote the post, early Sunday morning...and then I went to sleep and woke up a few hours later and BAM! Sick as a dog. Throwing up, passing out, stomach aches, congestion, cough, fever, chills, you name it. Not that you wanted the details....but I'm pretty SICK of being sick. I just really hope I get better soon...I leave for MA on Monday and Meghan's wedding is next Saturday! Yikes!
I just want to point out that in all this illness-crazed week I've had, my husband has been the absolute best. He has waited on me hand and foot, not complaining once about any of it. I am seriously the luckiest girl in the whole world!
My mom and Steve gave me my birthday present tonight since I'll be in MA on my birthday next week. They got me a GPS!! Best present ever. Especially for one as directionally challenged as I am. I got lost going to work once. I'll leave it at that...
I just want to point out that in all this illness-crazed week I've had, my husband has been the absolute best. He has waited on me hand and foot, not complaining once about any of it. I am seriously the luckiest girl in the whole world!
My mom and Steve gave me my birthday present tonight since I'll be in MA on my birthday next week. They got me a GPS!! Best present ever. Especially for one as directionally challenged as I am. I got lost going to work once. I'll leave it at that...
4.05.2008
Updates on Life
Well, its 12:37pm, and I have to wake up around 7 tomorrow to drive to Columbus for church. Judging from the fact that I am wide awake and blogging while Jay has been passed out for about an hour and a half already, I am getting back on a pretty horrendous schedule. Don't get me wrong- it works for me wonderfully, I have always been a night person and loved to sleep in. But when a day comes that I have to wake up early (i.e. when i start school?) .....its not pretty. And it stinks to feel groggy all day until around 7:30pm, when I finally start to wake up and am ready for a night of fun, and its around the time Jay starts winding down. Our natural clocks are completely opposite- so one of us is always sleeping or sleepy at the other's prime. *sigh*
Its been great here- who wouldn't love an extended vacation? I sleep in, help around the house, play guitar hero, play tennis, take Trot for walks, play games with my siblings, hang out with my parents, work on my wedding site and things for upcoming weddings I'm in, etc. Its been great. Oh and the best part- I am going to start volunteering for a crisis pregnancy center here in Mt. Vernon soon. I am really excited. I will be able to actually counsel the girls when they come in and talk to them and stuff. It will be great experience (since I eventually want to work with teenage pregnancies when I'm a midwife), and is the perfect way for me to spend my non-wedding involved time until school starts.
I think everybody deserves a sabbatical every once in a while where they can take a break from the routine monotony of life and focus on the things and PEOPLE they love. Its so easy to lose your focus on life, and taking a break from it all really reminds you what is important. It really puts things in perspective.
Today was Andrew Lenihan's birthday (well, I guess it was technically yesterday since it is now Sunday). Remember him? I know its sooo random that I would remember his birthday, but I always have. He would have been 24 today. My heart breaks for his family every year on April 5th. Its so sad to me when young people are taken from the earth. And when its someone you know and are friends with, its that much harder.
And I guess since I just reminded myself that it is actually April 6th and not 5th anymore......HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!!!!!!!!!!! :) Hope you have a great one. Miss you tons!!!
Back to bed, I guess. At least I'll try....
Its been great here- who wouldn't love an extended vacation? I sleep in, help around the house, play guitar hero, play tennis, take Trot for walks, play games with my siblings, hang out with my parents, work on my wedding site and things for upcoming weddings I'm in, etc. Its been great. Oh and the best part- I am going to start volunteering for a crisis pregnancy center here in Mt. Vernon soon. I am really excited. I will be able to actually counsel the girls when they come in and talk to them and stuff. It will be great experience (since I eventually want to work with teenage pregnancies when I'm a midwife), and is the perfect way for me to spend my non-wedding involved time until school starts.
I think everybody deserves a sabbatical every once in a while where they can take a break from the routine monotony of life and focus on the things and PEOPLE they love. Its so easy to lose your focus on life, and taking a break from it all really reminds you what is important. It really puts things in perspective.
Today was Andrew Lenihan's birthday (well, I guess it was technically yesterday since it is now Sunday). Remember him? I know its sooo random that I would remember his birthday, but I always have. He would have been 24 today. My heart breaks for his family every year on April 5th. Its so sad to me when young people are taken from the earth. And when its someone you know and are friends with, its that much harder.
And I guess since I just reminded myself that it is actually April 6th and not 5th anymore......HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!!!!!!!!!!! :) Hope you have a great one. Miss you tons!!!
Back to bed, I guess. At least I'll try....
3.24.2008
Hillbillies and Tractors
So, Jay and I are officially residents of Ohio. Pretty crazy. I'm pretty excited that the moving part is over, now its about unpacking into my little brother's room and looking for jobs. Besides the slight stress I am feeling regarding our finances (or lack thereof) at the moment, I'm having a great time here. No crappy job, the anticipation of starting school finally, guitar hero, family, a yard for Trot to play in, cable, wireless internet....it doesn't get better than this. Haha. I'm sure we will be relieved to move out and be back on our own again, but I think this setup will be really great for the few months we'll be living with my parents.
This week the focus is unpacking and the job search....and of course the many little wedding projects I've been working on. Wish us luck!
This week the focus is unpacking and the job search....and of course the many little wedding projects I've been working on. Wish us luck!
3.19.2008
Last day in paradise...
This is it! This is my last day of work at Meharry Medical College, a.k.a. the most horrible place I have ever worked in my entire life. I can't even explain to you how good it feels to look around at the desk I've cleaned, my completely cleared out inbox and desktop of my computer, and know that whatever happens tomorrow, I won't be here to deal with it! Only 2 hours to go. It is very liberating, and has really put a feeling of hope inside me.
Now that I've dealt with the end of work, its time to deal with the packing and moving aspect...which as most of you know, is the not-so-fun part. Jim and Taryn are here to help out which is great, and I'm really not all that worried. It will get done, and Friday morning rain or shine, we will be on our way to the snowy skies of Mt. Vernon, Ohio.
As I sometimes do, I checked out what I wrote one year ago in my former xanga. What I found is very interesting and a little ironic. Little did I know what was going to come in the next year!
March 19, 2007
"So, I'm at work. Its Spring Break, so no one is here. Not too much to do...I've resorted to sorting MSDS's. (any science person knows how fun that can be!)
Its one of those times where I've been thinking about life a lot. Its such a strange thing. You are born, go through a bunch of highs and lows, and then you die. But every moment you live feels like the most important moment at the time, but looking back it seems so very small. It makes me wonder how much our every day decisions affect the world....and how we could be better spending our time. I feel like the world is filled with billions of people who walk around in their own little worlds, wondering whats next for them. How often do you see strangers, and in complete silence, no one interacts with each other? Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that we fail to look at each person as another one of God's creations. There are so many of us packed into this country, but how many people do we actually interact with? I hate human nature and selfishness. But its nearly impossible to overcome! And even more impossible to change the world in the process.
I need something new....something different to experience....I am feeling stuck and comfortable, and I don't want to be. I want a change, a chance to leave my comfort zone and hear God's voice in a way I never allowed myself to before. "
Now that I've dealt with the end of work, its time to deal with the packing and moving aspect...which as most of you know, is the not-so-fun part. Jim and Taryn are here to help out which is great, and I'm really not all that worried. It will get done, and Friday morning rain or shine, we will be on our way to the snowy skies of Mt. Vernon, Ohio.
As I sometimes do, I checked out what I wrote one year ago in my former xanga. What I found is very interesting and a little ironic. Little did I know what was going to come in the next year!
March 19, 2007
"So, I'm at work. Its Spring Break, so no one is here. Not too much to do...I've resorted to sorting MSDS's. (any science person knows how fun that can be!)
Its one of those times where I've been thinking about life a lot. Its such a strange thing. You are born, go through a bunch of highs and lows, and then you die. But every moment you live feels like the most important moment at the time, but looking back it seems so very small. It makes me wonder how much our every day decisions affect the world....and how we could be better spending our time. I feel like the world is filled with billions of people who walk around in their own little worlds, wondering whats next for them. How often do you see strangers, and in complete silence, no one interacts with each other? Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that we fail to look at each person as another one of God's creations. There are so many of us packed into this country, but how many people do we actually interact with? I hate human nature and selfishness. But its nearly impossible to overcome! And even more impossible to change the world in the process.
I need something new....something different to experience....I am feeling stuck and comfortable, and I don't want to be. I want a change, a chance to leave my comfort zone and hear God's voice in a way I never allowed myself to before. "
3.12.2008
Politics
I wish I knew more about politics. I hate those people who apparently feel so passionate about a specific candidate without knowing anything about history, politics, or even their candidate's platform. Unfortunetly, America is filled with those kinds of people. This is why I'm hesitant to get involved in politics-because I know that I am uneducated and completely out of turn to say anything opinionated whatsoever without having any idea what I'm talking about. I'd love to learn more though, but whats the best way? Reading about the candidates online? Watching the debates? Reading critics' responses? All of the above?
I guess another reason why I am hesitant to be involved in politics is because I hate fighting and disagreements, especially with close friends and family. I like to avoid conflict whenever possible, and politics is probably the #1 thing that people get heated about. But at the same time, if I complain about and want to see a change in America, it is important for people like me to make an educated vote when the time comes.
I have some surface opinions, but they need to be hashed out and researched a whole lot more before I can claim them as my own. One thing that has gotten me in some hot almost-arguments (because in true Kara style, I try to divert the conversation before it gets heated)is the issue of religion in politics. I, for one, don't personally believe that what a candidate is "labeled" as should define their competency to lead the country. Yes, I believe in God, and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (I have become really bitter toward the word "Christian" lately)but just because a political candidate professes to be a "Christian" does not necessarily mean that: A)They actually adhere to Christian moralistic standards, and B) They automatically will make the right decisions for the country. Those labels really mean nothing to me. I instead prefer to look at their stances on issues and their personalities to see if Christ is emulated through them by their basic values. Sadly, there are many people who have higher and better moralistic standards and values than most people who claim to be Christians. So, long story short, what candidates "claim" to be doesn't mean anything to me.
Other than that, I really am feeling convicted to learn more about politics and specifically the 2008 candidates. Maybe my next entry will be a little more opinionated :)
And now some things to keep me occupied at work:
I guess another reason why I am hesitant to be involved in politics is because I hate fighting and disagreements, especially with close friends and family. I like to avoid conflict whenever possible, and politics is probably the #1 thing that people get heated about. But at the same time, if I complain about and want to see a change in America, it is important for people like me to make an educated vote when the time comes.
I have some surface opinions, but they need to be hashed out and researched a whole lot more before I can claim them as my own. One thing that has gotten me in some hot almost-arguments (because in true Kara style, I try to divert the conversation before it gets heated)is the issue of religion in politics. I, for one, don't personally believe that what a candidate is "labeled" as should define their competency to lead the country. Yes, I believe in God, and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (I have become really bitter toward the word "Christian" lately)but just because a political candidate professes to be a "Christian" does not necessarily mean that: A)They actually adhere to Christian moralistic standards, and B) They automatically will make the right decisions for the country. Those labels really mean nothing to me. I instead prefer to look at their stances on issues and their personalities to see if Christ is emulated through them by their basic values. Sadly, there are many people who have higher and better moralistic standards and values than most people who claim to be Christians. So, long story short, what candidates "claim" to be doesn't mean anything to me.
Other than that, I really am feeling convicted to learn more about politics and specifically the 2008 candidates. Maybe my next entry will be a little more opinionated :)
And now some things to keep me occupied at work:
You Are a Comma |
 You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark |
You Should Be a Doctor |
 You are practical, sharp, and very intuitive. Optimistic and energetic, you are a problem solver who doesn't get discouraged easily. You are also quite compassionate and caring. You make people feel hopeful. You're highly adaptable and capable. You do well with almost any curve ball life throws at you. You do best when you: - Are always learning new subjects - Use your knowledge to solve problems You would also be a good therapist or detective. |
You Are 84% Good |
 You are not only a good person... you are a model citizen and a natural leader. Whether you know it or not, your high moral standards and good judgment is truly rare. You don't take ethical short cuts in life. You are able to do what's right - even when it's very difficult. And while it may seem like no one else is as on track as you are, take heart in knowing that you set a good example for others. You are also probably: Very sensitive and in tune with the world Right now you are on track to being: A saint To be a better person: Gently mentor someone who is taking the wrong path in life |
You Are a Liberal Lady |
 Like Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore, you don't shy away from your liberal causes. You may consider yourself a feminist, and you definitely trust your heart to tell you what's right. You are likely to have a million issues you care about - and not nearly enough time to devote to them all. |
3.10.2008
Some things
Beneath my skin
I curl up tight
where its warm and comfortable
Watching, waiting
for the moment to come
when I will slip out unseen
Outside my world
the blinders adjust
focused on the sunny grass beside the wilted tree
Smiling, laughing
looking over the head of
injustice and greed
To only have a bone from His body
A glimpse of His luminance
Life-changing aromas fill me with hope
Opened, broken
Treating the dirt I tread
as if it was me
I curl up tight
where its warm and comfortable
Watching, waiting
for the moment to come
when I will slip out unseen
Outside my world
the blinders adjust
focused on the sunny grass beside the wilted tree
Smiling, laughing
looking over the head of
injustice and greed
To only have a bone from His body
A glimpse of His luminance
Life-changing aromas fill me with hope
Opened, broken
Treating the dirt I tread
as if it was me
3.06.2008
Sad but true!
My good friend Jesse just sent me this cartoon which I thought was so hilarious because of how true it is. When I finished laughing, however, it really hit close to home becaue I am almost ashamed to be part of a country that is like this...I don't even want to think about how the rest of the world views us....
3.03.2008
The single life
Jay is in Columbus this weekend.
And I miss him. Since being married I've become oddly co-dependent on him always being around, its almost like a comfort blanket. I feel like half of me is missing when he's gone. I don't like it! Its very lonely, and weirdly brings back flashbacks of my single life, which was only a short time ago.
I don't miss a thing about being single. I love having my best friend with me day in and day out...what could be better than that?
And I miss him. Since being married I've become oddly co-dependent on him always being around, its almost like a comfort blanket. I feel like half of me is missing when he's gone. I don't like it! Its very lonely, and weirdly brings back flashbacks of my single life, which was only a short time ago.
I don't miss a thing about being single. I love having my best friend with me day in and day out...what could be better than that?
2.29.2008
Nashville Dreams
I never imagined we'd be leaving Nashville so soon. I still feel like tourists, and feel the urgent need to jam everything we've been wanting to do into the last few weeks we will be living here. But then I remember that my dad and best friend still live down here, so its not like I'll never come back.
Things I'll miss about Nashville...
* James & Lauren
* Josh & Jesse
* The Nyce/Unick Family-especially my nieces!
* Winter weather
* Accents
* Cafe Coco
* Mazatlan
* No income tax
Most of these things are vist-able (besides the income tax thing...but I wont miss the 9.25% sales tax!). And most of what we love about Nashville has been the friendships that have just begun to blossom, that will hopefully continue to do so, even despite the lack of our physical presence here.
I am starting to be ready for this new phase in our lives...I think. I do claim to like change, but I'm just about ready for it to stop for a while....
Things I'll miss about Nashville...
* James & Lauren
* Josh & Jesse
* The Nyce/Unick Family-especially my nieces!
* Winter weather
* Accents
* Cafe Coco
* Mazatlan
* No income tax
Most of these things are vist-able (besides the income tax thing...but I wont miss the 9.25% sales tax!). And most of what we love about Nashville has been the friendships that have just begun to blossom, that will hopefully continue to do so, even despite the lack of our physical presence here.
I am starting to be ready for this new phase in our lives...I think. I do claim to like change, but I'm just about ready for it to stop for a while....
2.25.2008
Did you know a buckeye is a nut??
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am extremely plan-oriented and if my plans get changed at the last minute it takes me quite a while to adjust. This, of course, has always been my downfall in my relationship with God, as I usually try to prove to Him that I know better and that I don't trust Him when he tries desperately to lead me like a stubborn donkey. Moving to Nashville was hard enough, but at least I had the chance to PLAN for that. Now...moving to Ohio after living in Nashville for less than a year? Really, God?
My mom made a good point yesterday and said that we probably wouldn't have been as open to going to Ohio if we didn't come to Nashville first. Which is probably true. I guess we needed to live here a while to almost "soften the blow" in a way and open our hearts to the possibility of moving. I had to realize for myself that my starry-eyed view of Nashville and Vanderbilt before living here wasn't exactly accurate, and that yes, I really would survive if I didn't go to Vandy.
Living in Nashville has not been a waste either. After a year of being married, I finally felt like Jay and I were able to experience being "newlyweds" and all the good and the bad that comes along with that. When we were so busy in MA, we didn't even have time to experience that and adjust to married life. I almost felt like we missed out. So its been great for us as a couple to finally be able to experience that. We also learned to trust and rely on each other, which is something new to experience!
Jay also recognized his call to youth ministry while we were in Nashville, and gained some valuable job searching and interview skills. I learned what kind of jobs NOT to look for...and that I really am ready to go to school and become a nurse-midwife.
I think when the shock and overwhelmed feeling wears off, I will feel pretty happy about our decision.
Especially when my school bill is $60,000 less.....
My mom made a good point yesterday and said that we probably wouldn't have been as open to going to Ohio if we didn't come to Nashville first. Which is probably true. I guess we needed to live here a while to almost "soften the blow" in a way and open our hearts to the possibility of moving. I had to realize for myself that my starry-eyed view of Nashville and Vanderbilt before living here wasn't exactly accurate, and that yes, I really would survive if I didn't go to Vandy.
Living in Nashville has not been a waste either. After a year of being married, I finally felt like Jay and I were able to experience being "newlyweds" and all the good and the bad that comes along with that. When we were so busy in MA, we didn't even have time to experience that and adjust to married life. I almost felt like we missed out. So its been great for us as a couple to finally be able to experience that. We also learned to trust and rely on each other, which is something new to experience!
Jay also recognized his call to youth ministry while we were in Nashville, and gained some valuable job searching and interview skills. I learned what kind of jobs NOT to look for...and that I really am ready to go to school and become a nurse-midwife.
I think when the shock and overwhelmed feeling wears off, I will feel pretty happy about our decision.
Especially when my school bill is $60,000 less.....
2.16.2008
2.13.2008
Up in the air...
Its been a while! I guess because I haven't really known what to write...everything is so up in the air right now and it is taking everything within me to be patient!
So as most of you know, I have gotten accepted to Ohio State and University of Cincinnati so far. I am still waiting to hear from Vanderbilt. OSU and Vandy are tied for my #1 choice, (Vandy might be pulling in the lead slightly because of location), and I let Cincy know yesterday that I wouldn't be going there. The main dilemma right now is that I have to let OSU know by Feb. 28th if I am going or not, and Vanderbilt promises to have letters out "by the end of the month" which doesn't give me much hope. I am trying to avoid asking for an extension from OSU, but it might come to that. I hope not though!
{disclaimer for the next few paragraphs: Candice, Kim, Melissa and Amy...I apologize that you will hear this twice. Its a lot less typing! :)}
Another factor that is weighing into where we're going to live happened last week too. Background: We really felt that God wanted us to move to Nashville, but in the past 8 months that we've been here, we have really started to feel discouraged and have started to question if He really had a purpose for us down here. Well, you all know that Jay was a youth pastor in MA, and he misses it SO much...moving here has definitely shown him that. I mean, all he talks about is the teens...he facebook messages them all the time, (has anyone seen his youth book scrapbook? Jeesh...) and he just really misses youth ministry. His problem has always been that he is great at the relational aspect, but doesn't feel like he has the theology background, since he didn't grow up in the church. It has made him struggle with the call he felt, and made him lack self-confidence that he would be a good youth pastor, no matter what I tell him!
Anyways, Lauren Capozzi's old youth pastor started this program that is called the center for youth ministry training. Its about 20 minutes away from us and is basically a certificate program designed to give people the tools they need to live out God's call on their lives toward youth ministry. It is a 2 year program, and they put you in a church, and you have a youth ministry "coach" that works with you those two years, and they also work with the church you're in to help them develop a withstanding, good youth ministry program. In the meantime, you take classes from different places, including the Divinity school at Vanderbilt, and a few classes from Princeton, and a few from the directors of the center. The classes give you the basic foundations for theology while giving you real hands-on experience and training in youth ministry. Its the only program like it in the country.
So we met with Deech (the guy who runs it) last Thursday. It was great. He explained about the program, but also told us that HIS call was to help others who feel a call to ministry find their place, whether it is in his program or not. He said that no matter what happens, he really wants to help Jay find where God wants him to be, because he can see that he really has a heart for youth ministry. After that meeting, I have never felt God's presence more in my life. For the first time, I realized that THIS is why we were in Nashville. Not even necessarily for Jay to absolutely go to this place, but it was for him to meet Deech- someone to help him open his eyes to God's call on his life, and to help him get the tools to say "yes" to it. He has just been so miserable in his other jobs, and said that youth ministry was the only thing that fulfills him. I am so excited to have someone down here who will work with him to help him articulate his call and find connections and where God wants him. I hate seing him miserable, and am so excited that he might finally be able to live out his passion in life. He's SO good at it...
WOW, so long story short, this is a crazy turn of events that we never expected. Check out the website of this place...its pretty cool: www.cymt.org
Obviously...if I don't get into Vanderbilt, we have some thinking and praying to do. Everyone knows how excited I am to go to school, but I really feel encouraged that no matter how things fall into place, God will use us. Even if I do get into Vanderbilt, there's obviously financial things to think about as well....if we are both in school, etc. So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing.
So as most of you know, I have gotten accepted to Ohio State and University of Cincinnati so far. I am still waiting to hear from Vanderbilt. OSU and Vandy are tied for my #1 choice, (Vandy might be pulling in the lead slightly because of location), and I let Cincy know yesterday that I wouldn't be going there. The main dilemma right now is that I have to let OSU know by Feb. 28th if I am going or not, and Vanderbilt promises to have letters out "by the end of the month" which doesn't give me much hope. I am trying to avoid asking for an extension from OSU, but it might come to that. I hope not though!
{disclaimer for the next few paragraphs: Candice, Kim, Melissa and Amy...I apologize that you will hear this twice. Its a lot less typing! :)}
Another factor that is weighing into where we're going to live happened last week too. Background: We really felt that God wanted us to move to Nashville, but in the past 8 months that we've been here, we have really started to feel discouraged and have started to question if He really had a purpose for us down here. Well, you all know that Jay was a youth pastor in MA, and he misses it SO much...moving here has definitely shown him that. I mean, all he talks about is the teens...he facebook messages them all the time, (has anyone seen his youth book scrapbook? Jeesh...) and he just really misses youth ministry. His problem has always been that he is great at the relational aspect, but doesn't feel like he has the theology background, since he didn't grow up in the church. It has made him struggle with the call he felt, and made him lack self-confidence that he would be a good youth pastor, no matter what I tell him!
Anyways, Lauren Capozzi's old youth pastor started this program that is called the center for youth ministry training. Its about 20 minutes away from us and is basically a certificate program designed to give people the tools they need to live out God's call on their lives toward youth ministry. It is a 2 year program, and they put you in a church, and you have a youth ministry "coach" that works with you those two years, and they also work with the church you're in to help them develop a withstanding, good youth ministry program. In the meantime, you take classes from different places, including the Divinity school at Vanderbilt, and a few classes from Princeton, and a few from the directors of the center. The classes give you the basic foundations for theology while giving you real hands-on experience and training in youth ministry. Its the only program like it in the country.
So we met with Deech (the guy who runs it) last Thursday. It was great. He explained about the program, but also told us that HIS call was to help others who feel a call to ministry find their place, whether it is in his program or not. He said that no matter what happens, he really wants to help Jay find where God wants him to be, because he can see that he really has a heart for youth ministry. After that meeting, I have never felt God's presence more in my life. For the first time, I realized that THIS is why we were in Nashville. Not even necessarily for Jay to absolutely go to this place, but it was for him to meet Deech- someone to help him open his eyes to God's call on his life, and to help him get the tools to say "yes" to it. He has just been so miserable in his other jobs, and said that youth ministry was the only thing that fulfills him. I am so excited to have someone down here who will work with him to help him articulate his call and find connections and where God wants him. I hate seing him miserable, and am so excited that he might finally be able to live out his passion in life. He's SO good at it...
WOW, so long story short, this is a crazy turn of events that we never expected. Check out the website of this place...its pretty cool: www.cymt.org
Obviously...if I don't get into Vanderbilt, we have some thinking and praying to do. Everyone knows how excited I am to go to school, but I really feel encouraged that no matter how things fall into place, God will use us. Even if I do get into Vanderbilt, there's obviously financial things to think about as well....if we are both in school, etc. So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing.
1.31.2008
Devotional Thoughts
In my devotions the other day (Jay and I are doing the one year Bible) I came across this passage:
5When they went across the lake, the disciples forgot to take bread. 6"Be careful," Jesus said to them. "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
7They discussed this among themselves and said, "It is because we didn't bring any bread."
8Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? 9Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 10Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 11How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees." 12Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
After reading this, I couldn't help but think about the fact that Christians still today act like the disciples acted in that passage. Jesus was trying desperately to tell them something, but all they could focus on was the fact that they didn't have any bread. All too often, Christians argue and focus on specific wording, rules and instances in scripture that they miss the fact that Jesus is standing right there, trying to tell them something through it all. No offense to the fundamentalists out there, but I believe that some of the Bible is told in parable form, obviously in the clearly stated "parables" that Jesus tells, but in some other stories as well. The Bible is a beautiful, poetic book that has immense meaning and application to each and every Christian, and I am not in any way denouncing its worth. However, I get annoyed with the fact that Christians are so concerned about fighting over whether the stories in the Bible really happened or not, if the earth was actually created in 6 days, or stupid details like that....that they miss the beauty and the message that God is trying to portray through the passage and through the talented writings of the historians and prophets who wrote the Bible.
Living this mentality has really changed the way I read the Bible- now, instead of trying to memorize facts and take the stories at face value, I am constantly thinking "What was God trying to say in this passage? What does He want us to take from this as a society and as individuals?" It has really led me to feel strongly that we need to live as Jesus lived, and that is the point of life. Period. Its not about "winning people to the other side" or "getting to heaven", its about letting Jesus shine through you so that other people can't help but take notice.
5When they went across the lake, the disciples forgot to take bread. 6"Be careful," Jesus said to them. "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
7They discussed this among themselves and said, "It is because we didn't bring any bread."
8Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? 9Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 10Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 11How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees." 12Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
After reading this, I couldn't help but think about the fact that Christians still today act like the disciples acted in that passage. Jesus was trying desperately to tell them something, but all they could focus on was the fact that they didn't have any bread. All too often, Christians argue and focus on specific wording, rules and instances in scripture that they miss the fact that Jesus is standing right there, trying to tell them something through it all. No offense to the fundamentalists out there, but I believe that some of the Bible is told in parable form, obviously in the clearly stated "parables" that Jesus tells, but in some other stories as well. The Bible is a beautiful, poetic book that has immense meaning and application to each and every Christian, and I am not in any way denouncing its worth. However, I get annoyed with the fact that Christians are so concerned about fighting over whether the stories in the Bible really happened or not, if the earth was actually created in 6 days, or stupid details like that....that they miss the beauty and the message that God is trying to portray through the passage and through the talented writings of the historians and prophets who wrote the Bible.
Living this mentality has really changed the way I read the Bible- now, instead of trying to memorize facts and take the stories at face value, I am constantly thinking "What was God trying to say in this passage? What does He want us to take from this as a society and as individuals?" It has really led me to feel strongly that we need to live as Jesus lived, and that is the point of life. Period. Its not about "winning people to the other side" or "getting to heaven", its about letting Jesus shine through you so that other people can't help but take notice.
1.08.2008
Tabula Rasa?
In spirit of the new year....
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Moved out of Massachusetts for the first time, applied to graduate school
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did make some for this year....so far, I'm not doing a very good job! I didnt make any last year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin Melanie....as usual. And I have a feeling maybe next year I will have more answers! :) (At least pregnant people, not necessarily giving birth)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year...
5. What countries did you visit?
None this year :(
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Money? Haha
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 27...my first day of work....eww.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
MOVING across country, and getting into the university of cincinnati!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, I'm sure I failed at many things, but not enough to ruin my year!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not anything serious. Just a few annoying colds!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
An apartment?
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jay is and will always be my saint....
13. Where did most of your money go?
Definitely moving expenses!
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving was pretty exciting. At first! :)
15. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Solider Boy
16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder in some ways....happier in others
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer...a lot poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saving money, praying
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? spending!
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it in Nashville with my family on my dad's side!!!
22. Did you fall in love in 2007? I fell in love in 2004, but remained in love in 2007!
23. How many one-night stands? I will not even dignify this with an answer. Oops, I already did.
4. What was your favorite TV program? One Tree Hill
5. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I dont hate anyone...but I would say that my friendships have shifted a lot since last year.
26. What was the best book you read? Anything by Don Miller...and I really got into amish books too :)
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery? Did I discover Mika this year? If so, HIM!!!
28. What did you want and get? Into school?
29. What did you want and not get? A bedroom set/dining room table
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Ratatouille....love it!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23 and worked at ENC, and then had a joint party with Jay where we made chicken stack ups and went bowling...but only Jay's friends came. :( (Except Jill!)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More money...haha see a theme here??
3. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? too much work clothes...i cant wait to wear scrubs every day!!!
34. What kept you sane? Jay Govoni!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ooh, fancy? Hmm, Wentworth Miller?
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Lots of 'em
37. Who did you miss? Who didn't I miss?? We left all our awesome friends behind :)
38. Who was the best new person you met? I didn't meet these people: but getting to know Jason, Heidi, Laura and Lauren has been great!!!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: Live below your means
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Movin out! By Billy Joel! :)
And just for fun, my answers from one year ago:
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I graduated, got married, lived away from my parents, got a puppy!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try not to do them, they are just unrealistic usually!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister Jessica gave birth to Embree
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year!
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the good ol' USA....Hawaii though, not too shabby.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
No debt? :)
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 28th (my wedding), October 24th (Trot's birthday) and December 26 (when we got Trot)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definitely graduating from college!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, I'm sure I failed at many things, but not enough to ruin my year!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not especially
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Trot!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jay is a saint!
13. Where did most of your money go?
The wedding, paying off debt, Trot...
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting married and getting Trot (there seems to be a theme here...)
15. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
16. Compared to this time last year,are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? probably fatter!
iii. richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Devotions
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Stressing!
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it in Ohio with my mom and family
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? I fell in love in 2004, but remained in love in 2006!
23. How many one-night stands? Only about 6 or 7...haha just kidding!
4. What was your favorite TV program? 24
5. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I dont hate anyone...but I would say that my friendships have shifted somewhat since last year.
26. What was the best book you read? Velvet Elvis
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery? Regina Spektor.
28. What did you want and get? A puppy!
29. What did you want and not get? I didn't really want anything else!
30. What was your favorite film of this year? I seriously have not seen any movies this year...haha!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 and I went to Dick's Last Resort with Jen and a bunch of people.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I read the Bible and prayed more
3. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? CASUAL!
34. What kept you sane? Jay Govoni!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Reese Witherspoon
36. What political issue stirred you the most? I need to get more into politics.
37. Who did you miss? My parents, Kim Hunt, Kim Amos, Emily and Joy
38. Who was the best new person you met? I dont think I met anyone?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Don't stress...its not worth it!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:Wow, nothing comes to mind! Me, musically speechless...this is insane! Too much pressure!
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Moved out of Massachusetts for the first time, applied to graduate school
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did make some for this year....so far, I'm not doing a very good job! I didnt make any last year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin Melanie....as usual. And I have a feeling maybe next year I will have more answers! :) (At least pregnant people, not necessarily giving birth)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year...
5. What countries did you visit?
None this year :(
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Money? Haha
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 27...my first day of work....eww.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
MOVING across country, and getting into the university of cincinnati!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, I'm sure I failed at many things, but not enough to ruin my year!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not anything serious. Just a few annoying colds!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
An apartment?
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jay is and will always be my saint....
13. Where did most of your money go?
Definitely moving expenses!
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving was pretty exciting. At first! :)
15. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Solider Boy
16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder in some ways....happier in others
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer...a lot poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saving money, praying
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? spending!
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it in Nashville with my family on my dad's side!!!
22. Did you fall in love in 2007? I fell in love in 2004, but remained in love in 2007!
23. How many one-night stands? I will not even dignify this with an answer. Oops, I already did.
4. What was your favorite TV program? One Tree Hill
5. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I dont hate anyone...but I would say that my friendships have shifted a lot since last year.
26. What was the best book you read? Anything by Don Miller...and I really got into amish books too :)
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery? Did I discover Mika this year? If so, HIM!!!
28. What did you want and get? Into school?
29. What did you want and not get? A bedroom set/dining room table
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Ratatouille....love it!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23 and worked at ENC, and then had a joint party with Jay where we made chicken stack ups and went bowling...but only Jay's friends came. :( (Except Jill!)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More money...haha see a theme here??
3. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? too much work clothes...i cant wait to wear scrubs every day!!!
34. What kept you sane? Jay Govoni!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ooh, fancy? Hmm, Wentworth Miller?
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Lots of 'em
37. Who did you miss? Who didn't I miss?? We left all our awesome friends behind :)
38. Who was the best new person you met? I didn't meet these people: but getting to know Jason, Heidi, Laura and Lauren has been great!!!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: Live below your means
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Movin out! By Billy Joel! :)
And just for fun, my answers from one year ago:
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I graduated, got married, lived away from my parents, got a puppy!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try not to do them, they are just unrealistic usually!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister Jessica gave birth to Embree
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year!
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the good ol' USA....Hawaii though, not too shabby.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
No debt? :)
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 28th (my wedding), October 24th (Trot's birthday) and December 26 (when we got Trot)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definitely graduating from college!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, I'm sure I failed at many things, but not enough to ruin my year!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not especially
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Trot!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jay is a saint!
13. Where did most of your money go?
The wedding, paying off debt, Trot...
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting married and getting Trot (there seems to be a theme here...)
15. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
16. Compared to this time last year,are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? probably fatter!
iii. richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Devotions
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Stressing!
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it in Ohio with my mom and family
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? I fell in love in 2004, but remained in love in 2006!
23. How many one-night stands? Only about 6 or 7...haha just kidding!
4. What was your favorite TV program? 24
5. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I dont hate anyone...but I would say that my friendships have shifted somewhat since last year.
26. What was the best book you read? Velvet Elvis
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery? Regina Spektor.
28. What did you want and get? A puppy!
29. What did you want and not get? I didn't really want anything else!
30. What was your favorite film of this year? I seriously have not seen any movies this year...haha!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 and I went to Dick's Last Resort with Jen and a bunch of people.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I read the Bible and prayed more
3. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? CASUAL!
34. What kept you sane? Jay Govoni!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Reese Witherspoon
36. What political issue stirred you the most? I need to get more into politics.
37. Who did you miss? My parents, Kim Hunt, Kim Amos, Emily and Joy
38. Who was the best new person you met? I dont think I met anyone?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Don't stress...its not worth it!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:Wow, nothing comes to mind! Me, musically speechless...this is insane! Too much pressure!
1.04.2008
Holiday Craziness
Well, the lack of posting recently should be a testament to the craziness that was the last couple of weeks. I had family come (and most of them stayed in my small apartment...) from all over the country to spend Christmas in Nashville, and the day after Christmas we all picked up and drove to South Carolina to see the rest of the family for ONE day before we turned around and returned to Nashville. Within an hour of getting home, Jay and I flew to Boston for the whirlwind New Years weekend.
It was my first time back in MA, and it was REALLY strange. I felt like I had never left. Because I was feeling bad enough about not spending Christmas with Jay's parents, (PLUS, they paid for our flights and rental car!!) I resolved to keep it on the DL that I would be in MA, so that I could spend that time with his family. I failed in that regard, and when word got out, I had so many calls to hang out that I felt like Alanis Morisette in that video where she's naked and is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world is zooming by her. Except I wasn't naked. Or at least I don't think so.
So anyways, it turned out that I got to see a lot of friends (albeit for an hour or less each) but then got frustrated that I didn't get to see some of the friends that I really wanted to see. Had I told people ahead of time, I probably could have worked it out, but things did not go the way I had envisioned or planned. *Sigh*. Oh well. Next time I go up there I want it to be primarily to see friends, so that I can actually plan for it and see everyone. Its WAY too hard to try to fit quality family time, and quality time with all of my friends still in MA into one weekend.
Other than that, being in MA made me pretty homesick. :( I really miss everyone. And I miss feeling comfortable in an area, and I miss our church. Sometimes I wonder why we left at all, but I know God is really teaching us a lot by our little "adventure" in Nashville.
It was my first time back in MA, and it was REALLY strange. I felt like I had never left. Because I was feeling bad enough about not spending Christmas with Jay's parents, (PLUS, they paid for our flights and rental car!!) I resolved to keep it on the DL that I would be in MA, so that I could spend that time with his family. I failed in that regard, and when word got out, I had so many calls to hang out that I felt like Alanis Morisette in that video where she's naked and is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world is zooming by her. Except I wasn't naked. Or at least I don't think so.
So anyways, it turned out that I got to see a lot of friends (albeit for an hour or less each) but then got frustrated that I didn't get to see some of the friends that I really wanted to see. Had I told people ahead of time, I probably could have worked it out, but things did not go the way I had envisioned or planned. *Sigh*. Oh well. Next time I go up there I want it to be primarily to see friends, so that I can actually plan for it and see everyone. Its WAY too hard to try to fit quality family time, and quality time with all of my friends still in MA into one weekend.
Other than that, being in MA made me pretty homesick. :( I really miss everyone. And I miss feeling comfortable in an area, and I miss our church. Sometimes I wonder why we left at all, but I know God is really teaching us a lot by our little "adventure" in Nashville.
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