i think

Moving to Ohio has made me think a lot more than usual. It makes sense....I went from constantly having either a full time job or school for the past 20 or so years of my life, to not really having many responsibilities at all until school starts.

Thinking has been really refreshing for me. I had begun to wonder why no matter what I did, I felt a wall between me and God. I couldn't tell why it was there, or what I could do to get rid of it, but it was there, and I could feel it every time I tried to pray, read the Bible, go to church, or do anything "religious." And I think having these couple of months of thinking has finally helped me figure it out.

I started re-evaluating my life choices...where I put emphasis and why. I realized that my choices were completely based on society's (and even the church's'!) expectations rather than on my relationship with Jesus or the Bible. When I finally stripped down to the words of Jesus and my inner convictions that I believe are Holy-Spirit driven, I realized that I had been living my life wrong all along. The wall between God and I was built up because I was following "Christian" society...not Jesus.

As I have been realizing these things and beginning to make small changes toward the way I feel I should live, I have felt the wall slowly dissolve. I feel closer to Jesus than I ever have, and am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to THINK for once. How sad is it that in our career-driven, money-driven, work-driven success-driven lives that we don't even have time to breathe, let alone think. This isn't the way it is supposed to be. We work 80 hour weeks just to keep up with our lifestyles, when I think Jesus would prefer us to spend that time with family, friends, and HIM.

So what are these small life changes I have been slowly working towards? For one, I have been feeling convicted for a long time that Christians should be the most passionate environmental activists there are. God clearly put us in charge of this earth, and look what we've done to it! Personal small changes can make all the difference, but instead, we just adapt to society without even making a decision at all. I'm slowly trying to adjust my personal lifestyle to be more environmentally-friendly, and I still have a long way to go, but for the first time, I feel GOOD and RIGHT about the choices I'm making, even if it goes against the grain.

Consumerism is at a disgustingly high rate, and I don't even want to think about all the times I've bought something that I don't NEED. We live in excess....and this way of living is being force-fed to us by our country. We buy the most expensive things we can afford...the nicest houses, multiple ipods, TONS of clothes, etc...etc... and all because we think we NEED it. This is especially hard for me, because I love to shop and have new things as much or more as everyone else, especially electronic gadgets :). But buying new things never makes me happy. It makes me feel worse, because I know that the money I just spent on another pair of shoes could have gone towards paying off debt or buying a child clean water for a YEAR. I mean, when Jay and I lived in Nashville, the rent was so cheap compared to MA, that we got a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment, which was great, except that as cheap as our rent was, we could have been just as happy in a 1br/1ba and SAVED the extra money we could have spent. But we subconsciously felt that we had to get the biggest apartment we could afford- just because we could! It is this attitude that I want to try to slowly change in myself. I want to live a simpler, less cluttered life. I want to be financially smart-and make sure we have no debt, and that we give with cheerful hearts. Easier said than done, but with God's help, it can be done!

These are just two of the many life changes I am desperately whittling away at. I know it can't be done overnight, so for now, I am content changing little things at a time until the wall is completely gone and I can rest in my Father's arms.