SO TIRED OF IT!

Yes, I'm tired of many things, and yes, I'm literally tired as well. But right at this moment I'm tired of one thing in particular:  "just wait" moms!!


If you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about. For some reason, "seasoned" parents like to crush the very being of new parents via facebook. It is like a sick, one-upping game that makes them look like a superior parent. It is something I noticed long before I had a child of my own through my friends and led me to be careful NEVER to complain about my pregnancy or my baby on Facebook because I knew all hell would break loose with the "just wait" moms and I couldn't handle it without flipping out.


Still don't really know what I'm talking about? Here's a hypothetical scenario:


New mom's Facebook status: I am so tired, baby was up all night crying!


Comments:
Mom #1: Just wait until you have 5 days in a row of that. Then you'll be tired!
Mom #2: Just wait until he's teething, then he'll cry all night for a month straight!
Mom #3: Just wait until you have two and they tag team you!
Mom #4: Just wait until they're 13 and you're up all night waiting for them to come home!


The pregnancy statuses always get it the worst. Hypothetical scenario:


Pregnant woman's Facebook status: So uncomfortable. I can't believe I have another trimester of this!


Comments:

Mom #1: Wow, and you haven't even hit you're third trimester yet. You're in trouble! 

Mom #2: Just wait until you can't see your feet anymore and you're 2 weeks overdue like I was!

Mom #3: You think its bad now, just wait until the baby actually gets here!

And then there's always the commenters with unsolicited advice, but that is another post for another time......


Seriously, people?? If you are a parent, you know that it is one of the most challenging, exhausting, rewarding, exciting crazy rides of all time. You know that when you are pregnant, you sometimes feel like crap and like the baby will never come out. You know that when you have a baby, you experience things you never thought you would and sometimes you feel like just sitting and crying because you feel so incompetent. You know that when have a toddler, sometimes you feel like throwing them against the wall (but that would be bad, so you don't.)


And BECAUSE you know all these things, you think that the responses of "seasoned" moms to other moms would be understanding, uplifting and encouraging. How about "Things happen, you're doing great!" or "I remember that, it sucks!" But sadly, I see a lot less of this and a lot more "just waits". Why can't we let pregnant moms and new moms experience things open-mindedly like we did? Why can't we let them have complaints without telling them it is just going to get worse? Why can't we encourage instead of tear down?


Want a real scenario and not a hypothetical? Here's the post that inspired me to write this blog. I'll of course leave names out but if you're Facebook friends with this person as well, it won't be much of a mystery. While there were actually quite a lot of comments, I just included the worst of the worst ones. Why are there more than one worst of the worst???


New mom's Facebook status: "For the first time in my life, I watched poop explode out of another human being's rear end. My changing table will never be the same..."


Comments:
#1: "Wait until she explodes poop in your lap! :-)"
#2: "get used to it"
#3: "I am worried about you and this poop thing... Wait until she starts eating real food!"
#4: "Sweetie what did you think was going to happen on the changing table? Just wait until she figures out how to take off the daiper...Good times. Here comes the real tip...wiping a new born's bum gets them going. Put a new diaper under her to help with explosion containment. Buy lost of satin remover and the best way to get it out is to work inside out that way you are not scrumbing the stain in but out."


The last one is the ultimate "just wait" mom trifecta. It includes #1: Talking down to the new mom ("sweetie...what did you think would happen?), a "just wait" comment (of course), and then top it off with unsolicited advice. GAH!!!


Parents, lets be kind to other parents. Lets let them enjoy all of the good and not so good experiences that come with it. Lets let them complain, because they have a right to do so. Lets tell them they are doing a good job, because THAT is what a new mom needs to hear most of all.


Off soapbox.

Church follow-up

I've done a lot of thinking and mulling over my church post, as well as discussing with others and I think I have come to a conclusion that works for me right now.

At this time in my life, Wednesday night is my "church" in the sense of a weekly meeting of a community of believers. I have found an amazing group of people who truly care about loving others.  In this group, I can be real and honest and others are real and honest too. We dive into scripture and discuss struggles and issues that we all have with the institution of "religion". We desire to have a community-outreach focus using our collective strength in numbers and talents. I can stick around until the wee hours of the night discussing freely how to live and grow as a follower of Jesus, and never feel judged or attacked. Nobody is horrified by my at times apathetic words. There is an expert of scripture who I respect greatly who adds so much to the conversation, both using the Bible and his own personal struggles. There are people who live close and people who live far, all from various backgrounds but all seeking the same thing-to discover how to live like Jesus and grow within a community of believers.

THIS is the community environment I've been looking for.

For the last year or two, when I go to "church" on Sundays, I feel angry, depressed and frustrated. I just can't at this point in my life bring myself within the 4 walls of a church building on Sunday mornings during the "worship hour" and have appreciation for what it is. I hope that someday I will, but right now, going to church on Sundays is doing more harm than good for my relationship with Jesus and others. After writing my last blog post, I finally released myself from feeling the immense guilt and pressure to go to church on Sundays which was eating away at me and making me angry whether or not I went.

I think I need some time away from "church" as we know it-to think and pray about the reasons I go (or don't go) and to maybe try to find some kind of beauty and purpose in the discipline of attendance.

Until then, I feel confident that I have a community of believers that are filled with love and compassion and hunger for learning, growing and serving and I actually look forward to attending each week.

This is truly the definition of "church" anyways, is it not?

Working Mom?

As I'm getting closer and closer to having a job (hopefully), I've begun to think about what working really means and starting to panic a little bit. I mean, I've been home with Carter just about 24/7 for 6 1/2 months. The only motherhood I know is being with him all the time.

Although I want to work, and am looking forward to it in a lot of ways, I am really having a hard time knowing that working means not being with Carter as much. Mommy guilt is the worst! As of now, *I* am the one he knows the best, the one that knows him the best and the one who knows exactly what he needs. How will I deal with this shifting? Will he get more used to the way that child care does things than how I do them? Not that my ways are better, but I am his mom and the idea of the ways I do things as being foreign to him is scary. Right now its all he knows.

He's my little buddy. We spend all day together. Of course, there are days/moments when I wish I could thrust him in the hands of someone else and take a break, but overall I enjoy being with him. He goes everywhere with me.

What will I do when I only get to see him for about an hour total during weekday work days, when I get home from work right before he goes to bed? Yikes!! I can't even imagine it. What if I miss the first time he crawls, or says mama, or actually starts to enjoy solid foods? The thought of not being able to be a part of those moments is so sad.

I know that this is the reason I am only going to work part time, but maybe I've over-committed. When I'm home from work, I'll have to be doing grading, etc. for Principles of Bio. Am I going to have ANY time to spend with Carter, let alone Jay?

I know that I want to work, and doing so is the right decision for us, especially financially....but I'm kind of having a freak-out day wondering if I'm making the right decision. I don't want to regret it, or feel like I'm missing out on Carter's whole life. :(

church.

Okay, I thought I'd blog about something on my mind lately (as in, the past couple of years). Church. Is this blasphemous that I'm writing this on Easter Sunday morning? Probably.

As of right now, sometimes even the thought of going to church puts a pit in my stomach. I am so tired of the routine of: dress up and grab your Bible --> grab a bulletin from a greeter --> find a pew --> Welcome & announcements from Pastor --> Worship songs --> communion/special music/prayer/whatever --> sermon about how to make Jesus fit into our every day lives --> prayer --> leave ready for lunch and a nap.

I know most of this is from my experience growing up in and sticking with the Nazarene/Baptist church for the most part, and all church is not like this. But after living in 3 states and 8 addresses in our 5 years of marriage, Jay and I have been to a lot of churches. We've pretty much stayed within the Protestant denomination, but the structure is always the same-just throw a little extra presentations or special music in, sometimes a splash of communion, sometimes a shorter/longer sermon, sometimes you're allowed to have coffee in the sanctuary (gasp!), but its all the same.

Simply put, I'm tired of it. Here are a few of my questions. And disclaimer again: I know not EVERY church is like this. Some churches might have it together. This is purely based off of my experiences in the last 28 years of churchgoing.

1- Why does church have to be on Sunday mornings?
2- Why does church have to involve all these structural components, and in the same order?
3- Why are we forced to "worship" through music collectively, for 10 minutes, every Sunday? How many people go home and worship on their own, either through music or in other ways?
4- Why are sermons always about either warm fuzzy topics or "tough" topics which are usually about giving things up in your life that hinder your spiritual growth? Why do pastors always try to make Jesus' message mold to fit our easy, 21st century lives?
5- Why is serving others discussed pretty much only once a month, and only when talking about one time mission trips or excursions (next week, we're going to go sing at the nursing home!)
6- Why is doubting and asking questions so discouraged? I'm sure most pastors would say that it is NOT discouraged and in fact encouraged, but I certainly have never felt encouraged to do so in church-so something is missing there.
7- Why do most people put on a happy face mask for church, give fluffy prayer requests (please pray for my son's friend who was in a car accident-please pray for my grandfather who has cancer-please pray I do well on my test this week), and then go home and struggle with things they would be horrified to share in church? Where are the REAL prayer requests? (Please pray for me-I'm struggling with what I believe, I am trying to figure out what it means to be a gay Christian, I am struggling with mental illness, my marriage is struggling, etc)
8- Why are children sent downstairs to receive a dumbed-down child size happy-feeling message filled with songs, snacks and play time? How does this prepare them to appreciate church and faith as an adult?

Lets get one thing straight-I am not anti-church. In fact, I think church is important. However, I just haven't yet found a church where I feel like I belong, or where I don't feel sick to my stomach at the comfortable structured American-ness of it.

I feel like the primary reason to have churches and NOT just worship/study individually is because we are called to be a community of believers. Supporting one another, adding different viewpoints/opinions to various topics, working together to help the community around us.

To me, THAT is the point of church. Not obligation, not societal expectation, not to sit there and be "fed" weekly by a message.

Here is what I wish church looked like. And yes, I'm aware that I'm adding some kind of structure here, which is what I'm raging against, but just go with me here.

1. Not necessarily on Sunday morning, weekly.
2. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing doubts, questions, hot topics, Bible passages, etc. regarding the Christian faith. Obviously this is where a "pastor" type, or someone with formal theological training would come into play-to add things like "well, this is who wrote this Bible passage, and this was the cultural context at the time, and this is what the original meaning was in Hebrew/Greek, and these are different ways this passage is interpreted, that topic is mentioned in the Bible here", etc. etc. etc)
3. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to discussing REAL struggles in one's life or the community. And the answers by the rest of the group to these struggles are not simply "I'll pray for you" but "I'll pray for you AND here's how I plan to help you with this".
4. Has a part of the "service" dedicated to looking for tangible, long term ways to help the community-and then putting plans in motion to actually do it.

That's all I want.

Strip down the rest of the church show and give me this.

THEN I'll go to church.

Excitified

I found out recently that I might actually get what I've been waiting 8 months for...a job opportunity where I did my clinical rotations. I am 50% excited and 50% terrified....100% excitified.

What if I've forgotten everything I've learned since school? What if I don't live up to the positive reputation that I've been given? What if they are disappointed in me? What if I mess up....and the cost is bigger than I could ever imagine?

What if I can't handle being a working mom? What if I feel guilty for leaving Carter? What if I took on too much-between agreeing to teach in the fall/spring, a job, a husband and a son?

What if I fail?

Reverting to quizzes

Lately (as in the past 5 years or so) I've been going through this spiritual journey/searching/doubting kind of thing, whatever you want to call it. I hope to post more here about my struggles, decisions, etc. if I'm brave enough. I hate confrontation and disagreements, especially within groups of Christians because we can be the nastiest people out there, and I don't want any part of that. So while I'm hoping my blog can become a place where I can get my thoughts out through writing (which has always helped me), I am gun shy just because of my natural recoil to discussing anything remotely controversial that someone *might* disagree with, however essential to my journey of faith.

This morning I spent Carter's nap period not doing the dishes or planning my class for the fall like I was supposed to, but frantically googleing things like "what type of Christian religion are you quiz" and "what church do I belong to". Jay and I have been very wishy washy about church the last couple years because we haven't really felt like we identified with any of the ones around us. I DO believe in the beauty and necessity of having a faith community of some kind, however, I don't necessarily believe this has to take place at 11am every Sunday. We're working through that one currently.

Anyways, one of the quizzes I took this morning was called "What kind of Christian are you" and this was my result..

You are A Brian McLaren Christian

A.k.a. a Rob Bell, Phyllis Tickle, N.T. Wright, Tim Keller, Eugene Peterson Christian. You subscribe to Sojourners or Relevant...or, more likely, Rolling Stone, Paste and The Atlantic. (And maybe even Geez!) Your Christian history is rooted in St. Francis, who leads (through Gandhi) to Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. You emphasize social justice as an element of God's kingdom. You might be "emergent" or "progressive," but you're probably post-evangelical.

...not surprising at all, but not exactly what I was searching for-why can't google just magically tell me what denomination EXACTLY fits my beliefs and then mapquest a church that is awesome and only .3 miles from where I live? Come on, internet. Don't let me down now.

Am I strict?

I'm going back and forth lately regarding being a strict parent/scheduling. Some mothers swear by it (babywise types), some mothers swear against it (attachment parenting types). I can't say I 100% fall into either camp, and I think that is OK with me. I find that I'm strict about some things and not strict about other things, and so far that has worked for me. For example:


1. I'm very strict about going no less than 2 hours and no more than 3 1/2 hours between feedings during the day. If it has been less than 2 hours and Carter is fussy, I give him a pacifier or put him down for a nap and he will usually settle down fairly quickly. I am sure I'd be crucified by strict AP's for doing this (including one of my former preceptors), however-I think that because of this, Carter has seemed to learn that the boob is strictly for eating, not comfort. When he's done eating, he stops and actually prefers to have a pacifier. That might not be okay for some, but it is quite freeing for me! If it has been 3 hours since he last ate and he is awake, I feed him whether he seems upset/hungry or not. He has never once turned me down! :) If he is sleeping at 3 hours, I will let him go to 3 1/2 and either feed him whenever he wakes up or-YES-I will wake him up. (gasp! I thought you were never supposed to wake a sleeping baby!) I've found that he sleeps better at night when he doesn't go long stretches during the day without eating, and THAT is worth it to me!!

2. At night, I'm also somewhat strict about feeding. He does sleep through the night-most of the time. And by that I mean to bed at 7 or 8pm, waking once around 5-6am to eat and then going back to sleep until 7 or 8am.  Sometimes he will wake up and cry during the night, and Jay or I will give him a pacifier and shush him, and he usually goes right back to sleep. If he does not, we will see if he'll calm down in 2 minutes or so, and if he doesn't I will feed him. I really try not to feed him before 5am but it has happened sometimes (probably growth spurts). I just can't get myself to let him cry it out at this point-especially because he sleeps through the night without waking more than not. One day dropping that 5-6am feeding will be pretty awesome! Jay and I have a system for it though-he goes in to get Carter while I get ready (lay on my side, put a waterproof pad underneath where he will lie, get a burp rag ready and closeby, and lift my shirt, basically..haha). He brings him to me and I will feed him on one side (usually takes 5-10 mins). Then Jay will burp him while I get ready to switch sides, and bring him to my other side when he's done. After Carter's done with the other side, I burp him and put him back to bed. It works very well for us!

3. I am not super strict about nap times. (This is where the babywise parents shake their heads at me). Since he's been born, Carter has been a great napper. Basically, when he's tired, he just goes to sleep, wherever he is and whenever it is. He could be in my arms, in his crib, on his playmat, in the bouncer, in the swing, wherever. Now, at 5 1/2 months, he has gone from probably 7 or 8 30 minute naps a day to 3- 4 naps a day. I haven't tried to schedule it, it just usually happens. So why mess with a good thing? I try to make sure he takes a morning nap (somewhere around 9-11am), an early afternoon nap (somewhere around 11am-1pm) and an afternoon nap (somewhere around 1-3pm). Depending on what time his afternoon nap was, he will usually take another one around 4-5:30pm. Then he goes to bed at 7 usually. I can tell when he's tired (he gets cranky and rubs his eyes), so whenever that happens, if he doesn't fall asleep where he is, I usually either put him in his swing (he sleeps reeeeally well in the swing!) or in his crib, and he generally falls asleep easily. These days, his naps are usually 45min-1hr long.

4. I am very strict about a bedtime routine. I think it has really helped Carter know that this is not a nap-this is bedtime-and he is to sleep for a LONG time. Haha. I feed him in my bed, change him into his PJs/nighttime diaper, read him a book, and sing to him. Then the white noise giraffe and his mobile go on, and he's usually out like a light. Awesome.

5. I am not (well, I'm trying not to be) strict about where he goes to bed. I don't want to be the type of family that HAS to be home at 7pm for their kid to go to bed (what kind of life is that??). I haven't had too many opportunities to have him go to bed somewhere else yet, but I'm hoping to do that at least a few times each month so that he will fall asleep anywhere and not have to be home.

6. I am strict about keeping up my milk supply. If Carter gets a bottle, I pump. It might not be at the same time that he gets the bottle, but I make sure that I pump once for each bottle he gets that day. Usually the pumping session happens at night, when he is in bed, which works well. I think that doing this has maintained my milk supply as I have never had a supply issue-if anything, I had a massive oversupply in the beginning. I try not to pump as much as possible, however-which usually results in me bringing Carter everywhere I go and/or rushing home from errands so I can feed him, which is a little stressful at times. It is just so much easier to just nurse him than it is to pump! Not to mention, it is not super comfortable to skip feedings and I'm terrified of getting mastitis again!

Okay, so now that I've made the list it seems like I'm pretty strict about most things. Here I am, thinking that I am such a laid-back parent, and I guess it turns out I'm not at all. Oh well. Haha. I should have known. I suppose that naturally anxious parent + first time parent  = generally super strict parent. I will just have to try to fight this in some ways in the future when he is old enough to hate me for it...