As I'm getting closer and closer to having a job (hopefully), I've begun to think about what working really means and starting to panic a little bit. I mean, I've been home with Carter just about 24/7 for 6 1/2 months. The only motherhood I know is being with him all the time.
Although I want to work, and am looking forward to it in a lot of ways, I am really having a hard time knowing that working means not being with Carter as much. Mommy guilt is the worst! As of now, *I* am the one he knows the best, the one that knows him the best and the one who knows exactly what he needs. How will I deal with this shifting? Will he get more used to the way that child care does things than how I do them? Not that my ways are better, but I am his mom and the idea of the ways I do things as being foreign to him is scary. Right now its all he knows.
He's my little buddy. We spend all day together. Of course, there are days/moments when I wish I could thrust him in the hands of someone else and take a break, but overall I enjoy being with him. He goes everywhere with me.
What will I do when I only get to see him for about an hour total during weekday work days, when I get home from work right before he goes to bed? Yikes!! I can't even imagine it. What if I miss the first time he crawls, or says mama, or actually starts to enjoy solid foods? The thought of not being able to be a part of those moments is so sad.
I know that this is the reason I am only going to work part time, but maybe I've over-committed. When I'm home from work, I'll have to be doing grading, etc. for Principles of Bio. Am I going to have ANY time to spend with Carter, let alone Jay?
I know that I want to work, and doing so is the right decision for us, especially financially....but I'm kind of having a freak-out day wondering if I'm making the right decision. I don't want to regret it, or feel like I'm missing out on Carter's whole life. :(
2 comments:
My mom has told me over and over that motherhood=guilt. No matter what you do or don't do you are going to feel guilty about it. So, with that in mind, do what you think is best. You have been going stir crazy at home and you have worked SO hard to get your degree, and you will be amazing at it. It is perfectly normal to feel nervous to start. I certainly am!I am excited about your new opportunity- especially about who you are working with. It will be great!
I'm a little late reading these blogs. I totally agree with Kim! I felt totally guilty about returning to work, but I feel it is best for both Emma and me. She is getting some nice bonding time with my dad and I am getting some structure back into my life (and some money). You are an awesome midwife and an awesome mother!
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