12.11.2007
UC
Well, as most of you who actually read this blog know, I got into University of Cincinnati! The acceptance letter was shocking and very unexpected, mostly because of how early it was! I could start in January, but by a miracle from heaven I was able to defer my acceptance until the end of March! So I will be able to wait and hear from the other schools I applied to before making a decision. It is SUCH a good feeling to know that I am going somewhere in the fall!
12.10.2007
I.HATE.MY.JOB.
Every day when I wake up, I feel physical pain knowing that I have to come in for another day of work.
At the end of each day I feel belittled, stressed, not good enough, dumbed down, and worthless.
I wish more than anything that I left this place out of my resume and graduate school applications...then I would have nothing to lose if I just quit. Its so hard knowing that I have the power to quit and get out of this, but I know I cant.
Not yet.
I know not everyone LOVES their jobs, but I don't think I'm supposed to hate it this much. I have had many, many jobs, some good, and some bad...but none that I've felt like this. What was I thinking working here??
I don't mean to be all "woe is me" and I'm not saying that everyone else has jobs they love but me, but this is my place to vent, right?
I am trying to stay until I hear from school. It can't come soon enough. At this point, getting into school isn't even my top priority...getting OUT of here is!
At the end of each day I feel belittled, stressed, not good enough, dumbed down, and worthless.
I wish more than anything that I left this place out of my resume and graduate school applications...then I would have nothing to lose if I just quit. Its so hard knowing that I have the power to quit and get out of this, but I know I cant.
Not yet.
I know not everyone LOVES their jobs, but I don't think I'm supposed to hate it this much. I have had many, many jobs, some good, and some bad...but none that I've felt like this. What was I thinking working here??
I don't mean to be all "woe is me" and I'm not saying that everyone else has jobs they love but me, but this is my place to vent, right?
I am trying to stay until I hear from school. It can't come soon enough. At this point, getting into school isn't even my top priority...getting OUT of here is!
12.06.2007
Doubts
I've really, really been struggling with doubts lately. I know its normal-I know its good even, but I don't like it at all. Its actually pretty scary. Its like nothing that I've been taught/told/spoonfed my whole life makes sense at all, when I really think about it. Obviously, thats where faith comes in...but I think my faith is on vacation right now or something.
The worst part is that I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. At all. I want to be back in God's arms where I can feel Him around me, and know without a doubt that He's there. How come my desire isn't strong enough to overrule my doubt?
The worst part is that I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. At all. I want to be back in God's arms where I can feel Him around me, and know without a doubt that He's there. How come my desire isn't strong enough to overrule my doubt?
11.30.2007
Sniffles
I've been sick since Thanksgiving, so about a week now. I took my first sick day yesterday. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I was feeling pretty crappy. And I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection, which is really annoying, because that means I have to get a prescription for an antibiotic somehow. Good thing I work with a bunch of doctors!! :)
I've been thinking a lot about the future year or two lately. (Whats new?) Like I said a few posts ago, I am really trying to work on living in the here and now, and not "worrying about tomorrow." It is so hard though, when I have applications and living situations just floating around in the air until the springtime, when hard decisions can be made. And even then...will the decision be made for me based on acceptances/declinations, or will I actually have to make a decision? Thinking about the possibility of moving on soon is really the only thing that gets me through the work day though...where I feel like a doormat. Someday it won't be like this. Being patient is hard!
I've been thinking a lot about the future year or two lately. (Whats new?) Like I said a few posts ago, I am really trying to work on living in the here and now, and not "worrying about tomorrow." It is so hard though, when I have applications and living situations just floating around in the air until the springtime, when hard decisions can be made. And even then...will the decision be made for me based on acceptances/declinations, or will I actually have to make a decision? Thinking about the possibility of moving on soon is really the only thing that gets me through the work day though...where I feel like a doormat. Someday it won't be like this. Being patient is hard!
11.26.2007
Turkey
Thanksgiving was awesome. Jay and I went to my mom's house in Ohio- and drove there for the first time. It was a 7 hour drive, but it wasn't too bad. It was worth it to not have to spend the money on plane tickets! The weekend was relaxing, and everything Thanksgiving should be. I really miss having my mom around all the time. We were both very sad to leave.
Going back to "real life" after holidays is the worst. Jay and I are both getting sick, which didn't help us get up this morning either. And then I got pulled over on the way to work today. (Oops!!) For some reason, I have a huge issue with school zones. I dont know why! I almost always get the scary feirce whistle blown at me and the demeaning "finger point" by the crossing guard every time I go through one. I guess I just zone out when I drive and I don't notice its a school zone until I hear the whistle. Well today, lucky for me, there was a cop driving the opposite direction when I flew through a school zone by my work at 30 miles per hour. Needless to say, I got pulled over and got this huge lecture that I should be going to jail, etc. At least I didn't get a ticket!
Going back to "real life" after holidays is the worst. Jay and I are both getting sick, which didn't help us get up this morning either. And then I got pulled over on the way to work today. (Oops!!) For some reason, I have a huge issue with school zones. I dont know why! I almost always get the scary feirce whistle blown at me and the demeaning "finger point" by the crossing guard every time I go through one. I guess I just zone out when I drive and I don't notice its a school zone until I hear the whistle. Well today, lucky for me, there was a cop driving the opposite direction when I flew through a school zone by my work at 30 miles per hour. Needless to say, I got pulled over and got this huge lecture that I should be going to jail, etc. At least I didn't get a ticket!
11.13.2007
work and such.
My week after the lonely, broken-things weekend has not been much better. I really don't have a reason why, except that I'm an intuitive girl (or just a regular girl...)and I can tell that my emotions are not where they usually are. I don't like it when Jay is gone-I've gotten so spoiled by having him around me all the time. It has been good-I found out that I CAN live alone if I have to (not that I would want to!), and I can take care of myself and be alone. I was starting to get scared after the weekend that I had lost my independence and self-sufficience after a year of marriage. I haven't. I guess I just forgot what it was like since my husband takes such great care of me! He might come home tomorrow, which I am pretty excited about. Its just hard to be in a new place without your parner in crime! (What am I saying? We're way too lame for crime! This is spoken from the two who like to scrapbook and go to bed at 9:30...)
Anyways, I seriously came to a point at work today when I thought I was going to quit for real. And to be honest, the only thing holding me back is that I JUST had my boss write a recommendation for Vanderbilt, and put her as a reference on my resume which I sent to all 3 schools. If I quit, she probably would not give me as good of a reference, if a good one at all! And thats a big deal, because the reason I took this job was to be able to put it on my resume and show off that I worked with OB/GYNs...to look good for schools and future jobs. So I can't really blow it here. I am telling myself that I have to at least stay until I find out if I get into school or not, which should be around Feb/March. Then, based on which (if any) school(s) I get into, I will have a lot of decisions to make, my employment being one of them. I just have to hang on until then. It is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! At least the holidays/time off are coming up. That will help.
Anyways, I seriously came to a point at work today when I thought I was going to quit for real. And to be honest, the only thing holding me back is that I JUST had my boss write a recommendation for Vanderbilt, and put her as a reference on my resume which I sent to all 3 schools. If I quit, she probably would not give me as good of a reference, if a good one at all! And thats a big deal, because the reason I took this job was to be able to put it on my resume and show off that I worked with OB/GYNs...to look good for schools and future jobs. So I can't really blow it here. I am telling myself that I have to at least stay until I find out if I get into school or not, which should be around Feb/March. Then, based on which (if any) school(s) I get into, I will have a lot of decisions to make, my employment being one of them. I just have to hang on until then. It is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! At least the holidays/time off are coming up. That will help.
11.10.2007
Ironic Weekend
Jay is in Boston this weekend. He is having am amazing weekend, and I am having a not-so-amazing weekend. Figures!
Jay's weekend has been filled with amazing restaurants, family, friends and relaxation. Not to mention that he gets to soothe his homesickness, if only for a weekend.
I, on the other hand, have taken Trot to the vet twice (for two different problems, involving 4 different medications and over $350 dollars....), my digital camera broke (if you have seen how many facebook albums I have, you know how big of a problem this is for me), and of course, I have no plans and am sitting bored in the apartment.
After Trot threw up all over his bedding last night (I was up with him for about an hour in the middle of the night), I decided to put a load of wash in the washing machine. About a half hour later, the kitchen floor was filled with water. Great. Another expensive problem to fix.
This morning, I had a guy come over to tune the piano. (I am starting to give piano lessons next week and our piano is in shambles.) He did a great job, but of course Trot decided to poop right in front of him. I don't even know if he saw, but the smell was horrendous, and I was so embarrassed. Trot tends to do that at the worst times imaginable.
This afternoon, I thought I'd go to Wal-Mart, just to browse around, take my mind off of the weekend I'm having so far. Of course I go to the one in the ghetto part of town (one of the many) where there are only rude, foreigners that don't speak english everywhere. I go over to look at the digital cameras (just to look, we don't even come close to being able to afford one right now) and there is this kid who has decided that he wants to touch every single camera, even if I am standing right in front of it. I would go to the other end to look, and he would come over and squeeze in between me and the cameras. I finally sighed loudly and gave up and walked out of the store. It was way too crowded and I just wanted to go home.
But did I get home? No. In true Kara style, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the opposite side of the city. I eventually found my way to a highway, and an hour later I got home.
Its not really even the little annoying things that keep going wrong this weekend that is making it horrible for me. Its the fact that this is the first time that Jay and I have been apart since we've been living in Nashville. Its funny when you're married, and you don't realize how much you are dependent on the other person until they leave for a weekend or something. I don't like being alone, after being so used to having my best friend with me all the time.
But at least in MA I could call up one of my friends to hang out with while Jay's away. I miss them all so much. I talked to Meghan on the phone today about bridesmaid dresses, and I wanted more than anything to have been with her today while she went to look at them. I feel hopeless...and it makes me wonder why we moved here at all. Obviously there were reasons, and its not that I regret the decision, but its just hard. And especially when I find myself alone in a city that I don't know, with people I don't know, with a broken camera, sick dog, and broken washing machine.
On a GOOD note, I finally sent my applications yesterday. More on that when I'm in a better mood. Otherwise I'll just go off about how I'm not going to get in....
Jay's weekend has been filled with amazing restaurants, family, friends and relaxation. Not to mention that he gets to soothe his homesickness, if only for a weekend.
I, on the other hand, have taken Trot to the vet twice (for two different problems, involving 4 different medications and over $350 dollars....), my digital camera broke (if you have seen how many facebook albums I have, you know how big of a problem this is for me), and of course, I have no plans and am sitting bored in the apartment.
After Trot threw up all over his bedding last night (I was up with him for about an hour in the middle of the night), I decided to put a load of wash in the washing machine. About a half hour later, the kitchen floor was filled with water. Great. Another expensive problem to fix.
This morning, I had a guy come over to tune the piano. (I am starting to give piano lessons next week and our piano is in shambles.) He did a great job, but of course Trot decided to poop right in front of him. I don't even know if he saw, but the smell was horrendous, and I was so embarrassed. Trot tends to do that at the worst times imaginable.
This afternoon, I thought I'd go to Wal-Mart, just to browse around, take my mind off of the weekend I'm having so far. Of course I go to the one in the ghetto part of town (one of the many) where there are only rude, foreigners that don't speak english everywhere. I go over to look at the digital cameras (just to look, we don't even come close to being able to afford one right now) and there is this kid who has decided that he wants to touch every single camera, even if I am standing right in front of it. I would go to the other end to look, and he would come over and squeeze in between me and the cameras. I finally sighed loudly and gave up and walked out of the store. It was way too crowded and I just wanted to go home.
But did I get home? No. In true Kara style, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the opposite side of the city. I eventually found my way to a highway, and an hour later I got home.
Its not really even the little annoying things that keep going wrong this weekend that is making it horrible for me. Its the fact that this is the first time that Jay and I have been apart since we've been living in Nashville. Its funny when you're married, and you don't realize how much you are dependent on the other person until they leave for a weekend or something. I don't like being alone, after being so used to having my best friend with me all the time.
But at least in MA I could call up one of my friends to hang out with while Jay's away. I miss them all so much. I talked to Meghan on the phone today about bridesmaid dresses, and I wanted more than anything to have been with her today while she went to look at them. I feel hopeless...and it makes me wonder why we moved here at all. Obviously there were reasons, and its not that I regret the decision, but its just hard. And especially when I find myself alone in a city that I don't know, with people I don't know, with a broken camera, sick dog, and broken washing machine.
On a GOOD note, I finally sent my applications yesterday. More on that when I'm in a better mood. Otherwise I'll just go off about how I'm not going to get in....
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