Prouds and Sorries

Lately I have been struggling with this feeling of failure in all aspects of my life. I know I'm being hard on myself, but I just can't shake it. I feel like I am wearing too many hats right now to be able to be effective at anything I'm doing. I feel stretched too thin, and unable to give myself to any one thing or person.

In our community, we do "prouds" and "sorries", which I like because it really makes you introspective and think about how things are going. I really feel like I need to get all of these failure feelings off my chest in writing (hence the blog) so that I can start to process and deal with each one and figure out how I can be a better person. I thought that instead of just writing about my failures (since that is depressing), in doing this, I would also try to come up with some "prouds" as well to force myself to look at the positives, since I have a hard time doing that.

Hat #1: Wife
Jay and I have been married for 6.5 yrs. For the most part, I think our relationship is awesome. I love having him by my side in everything I do in life. SO, in my marriage, my prouds are:
1. I think we have good communication for the most part
2. We talk through conflicts immediately and don't hold things in and let them out passive aggressively
3. We don't play games with each other (emotionally, of course. Literally, we play lots of games. Like Ticket to Ride.)
4. We still know how to have fun together
5. We make decisions as a team and are truly best friends

However, I often feel like a failure as a wife. So here are my major sorries:
1. When we were dating and first married, I used to do a lot of thoughtful gestures. Writing notes/letters, making his lunch, cooking his favorite meal, buying him something he's been wanting, etc. I haven't done anything like this in a long time. :(
2. I don't thank him nearly enough for all that he does. He is the best husband, father and househusband in the world!
3. I don't do nearly as much around the house as I should. He is a domestic diva. Haha! Part of this is because I am busy and when I do have time at home during Carter's naps, I either have more work to do for one of my jobs, or I am so exhausted that I just want to sit and watch TV for an hour or so.
4. When I am tired and stressed, I tend to blow up at him even though its not his fault. This isn't fair at all.
5. I nag him too much.

Hat #2: Mother
Here are my prouds for motherhood:
1. Carter is alive. And healthy. And usually pretty happy. That goes a long way!
2. I breastfed for 14 months. This wasn't easy and I am proud of myself for sticking with it so long despite the obstacles and giving him the best nutrition I could.
3. I always put him first. I usually make sure he is changed, fed and entertained or sleeping before thinking about my own needs.
4. I have been pretty good about documenting his life in writing and in pictures. I hope he will appreciate it someday.
5. Jay and I have stuck with cloth diapers for 16+ months now. I'm proud of us for that! We have saved a lot of money.

And my sorries:
1. I am not as good about well balanced meals as I should be.  I don't make him special smoothies or other creative sneaky things to make sure he gets his vegetables. I try to make sure he eats well balanced meals in general, and organic for the most part, but I often fail. Heck, sometimes all he eats all day is grilled cheese and cheerios.
2. I am not a "pinterest mom" and never will be. I don't make heart shaped pancakes for valentine's day breakfast. I don't do creative crafty activities with him. I don't make handmade, organic playdough. Pinterest is great, but it really doesn't help you feel like a good mom!
3. I don't spend as much time with him as I would like. Between working all the time and having to get things done still when I'm NOT working, sometimes I feel like he is going to forget who I am. This is an awful feeling. The other day he called the phone "mama" because I always talk to him on speakerphone when I'm at work and Jay is home with him and that made me feel like crap.
4. Sometimes I leave him in his PJs all day. Sometimes he goes for a week without taking a bath. I almost always forget to brush his teeth.
5. I stress out all the time about how we are going to teach him about Jesus and raise him to be a good person. I wish I had a "plan" for this but I don't.

Hat #3: Follower of Jesus
Prouds:
1. I am feeling so overjoyed and fulfilled in our community right now. It is exactly what I feel like "church" should be and is for me. It is a step in the right direction in my spiritual life after so many years of standing still.
2. Although I am going through this period of doubting and reassessing my faith, I am proud that I am still doing it and not giving up. I am glad I am not taking things at face value or just going with what I've been taught all these years and actually trying to figure things out for myself.
3. I am proud that Jay and I have the kind of relationship where I can tell him anything about what I'm currently thinking/feeling and he won't be horrified and divorce me. He's a great accountability partner.

Sorries:
1. This should be hat #1, and it isn't.
2. I could only come up with 3 prouds.
3. I feel like I'm finally coming to a conclusion about how I think humans (and me) SHOULD live. However, I am probably living as far opposite of this lifestyle as possible and I can't seem to pull the two together.
4. I suck at reading the Bible. I never do it.
5. I don't pray.
6. I could go on and on with sorries in this category, and I'm sorry for that!

Hat #4: Midwife
Prouds:
1. I am working. A lot. Getting a job and keeping a job for 6 months is a big deal!
2. I really do feel like I am changing people's lives. Not everyone, but it is fulfilling even just to change one life with the care I give them.
3. I really try to treat each patient like they are important to me and intelligent. This is easier said than done sometimes!
4. I am actively seeking out conferences to go to this year to work on my skills and knowledge base
5. I am trying to become involved with my practice by taking on different roles and being a good team player.

Sorries:
1. There is so much I don't know and wish I did. I should be reading more current research, or reviewing my textbooks or something to continue learning the things I wish I knew.
2. I always feel guilty for being part time, even though I work a ton anyways.
3. I feel awful that I have so much school debt and hardly make any money. Sometimes I wish I just never went to school at all and did something else.
4. Sometimes I pawn off tasks onto other people (like the MAs) that I don't feel like dealing with. Not fair.
5. Sometimes I feel like I should spend LONGER with patients. I often get hung up with efficiency, charting and time management that I forget to actually be a midwife (which means "with woman"!)

Hat #5: Professor
Prouds:
1. Overall, I think I am doing a decent job as a professor. They haven't fired me yet!
2. I try to incorporate interesting things into lectures that the students care about
3. I am proud that I make sure I am teaching them about STDs and fertility, and hopefully preventing some STDs and unwanted pregnancies down the road for some of them!
4. I think/hope I treat each student like I really do care about them
5. I try to learn everyone's name, even though there are 60 students in the class.

Sorries:
1. I am awful at helping them with labs, since I haven't had time to do them myself.
2. I wish I could make the boring parts of biology more interesting somehow.
3. I wish I had the ability to walk around and lecture rather than stand and read my notes (boring!!)
4. I don't respond to emails as quickly as I should
5. I can't seem to find a medium between making my class too easy or too hard.

Hat #6: Family member and friend
Prouds:
1. I make it a priority to plan time to see family in OH and TN at least once a year. I also make it a priority to go to family weddings and major events.
2. I am usually the point person for organizing family get-togethers and sometimes friend get-togethers, and it is important to me to make sure I get to spend time with friends and family at these gatherings.
3. I have many amazing friends that I've gathered and kept in touch with over the years
4. I try to be patient and understanding with particularly difficult family members
5. I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends and family. If I prayed, I would be praying for them. But usually its just thinking about them.

Sorries:
1. As much as I think about my family and friends, I suck at contacting them to let them know I was thinking about them.
2. I feel like because of work and family obligations, I haven't seen or talked to my local friends in forever and I hate that.
3. I am bad at keeping in touch with out of state friends and family on a regular basis
4. I hate talking on the phone and avoid it at all costs. I much prefer texting, as I can do it while multitasking other things!
5. I have so many friends and family who are hurting. I would love to spend time with them and help them all through their troubled times by doing thoughtful gestures and helping them with their needs, but I fall so short by barely even contacting some of them, let alone being present and helpful. I hate this.


Of course, I have many other hats, especially the one of "cat owner", which could be another blog post on its own, let me tell you. However, these are the major ones, and the ones that I feel like I am failing at the most right now. For some reason I am blinded to my prouds and all I see are the sorries. I don't know if my expectations of myself are too high, but I just feel totally useless most of the time. Ideally I would have all prouds and no sorries. Is this even possible?

Is this a sign I should be cutting things out of my life so I can focus on what's important? Or do I just need to manage my time better and work on my sorries? I just feel very discouraged and apologize to anyone who feels like I am letting them down, because I am letting myself down too.