I'm going to write about something I've never written about before. My anxiety/worry. Ha! Apparently it hasn't gotten better. Actually, since hearing about the serial rapist (click the words...) in Columbus, it has increased 100 fold. The guy has attacked seven women, almost all fitting my description and location, in their homes, within miles from where I live.
My logic tells me not to panic. It won't do you any good. You are doing everything you can to stay safe...locking windows and doors, not going outside alone in the dark, staying aware of your surroundings, changing up your routine. Besides, Jay is with you during the time that most of the attacks occured, and all seven women have been alone. If only the right and left sides of my brain could agree. My emotional side says "screw you, logic! I'm freakin scared!"
But why can't I figure out where to draw the line between being a healthy scared, leading me to be cautious and smart....and being so panic-ridden that I can't think about anything else, won't take the bus, and almost cry myself to sleep every night? It is so exhausting and so frustrating.
Sunday School answer time...right? PRAY about it. READ the Bible for comfort...etc.etc.etc....
Okay. I pretty much pray about it ALL the time. Constantly. Thankfully, after heeding some advice from my incredibly intelligent sister, I have started praying the RIGHT way about it. Instead of simply praying that he wont "get" me, I pray that the police will have wisdom to catch this guy, that me and every other woman in Columbus will be alert and cautious, that I will not put myself in dangerous situations, even that He will work in the heart of the rapist. I read and repeat scripture to myself as well....you know, the whole "do not be anxious about anything...." passage and such.
These things are supposed to bring me comfort and peace, right? So why aren't they? Why do I still feel like I am living in fear, especially when I am alone in my own apartment? Why do I have this incredible paranoia?
Am I just crazy or am I lacking in faith?
Is it horrible that I hope its the former?
11.22.2008
10.22.2008
Touching on a touchy subject...
As I was in the midst of procrastinating for the day, I came across a recent blog from my friend Dave. It talked about some issues that I find to be near and dear to my heart....so I thought I'd write my own blog to get some of my thoughts on paper. I mean...computer. Whatever.
Growing up in a family with a homosexual family member, it has always been a slightly touchy subject for me, and I was always a little scared to look into it or talk about it. When I got to college and was instructed to write a 10 page research paper on a topic, it was easy to choose, and I learned a lot through my paper and throughout the rest of college with my biology major, psychology minor and religion classes.
Bottom line: I am so ashamed of the way the Church (used loosely here) treats homosexuals. I've always been a "bleeding heart", and perhaps this is just another one of those times where I sit and think about the person and how they feel inside rather than what they do or say on the outside. I don't think the issue within the church right now is whether homosexuality is right or wrong (that can be a whole other topic for another day...), but rather how we can love homosexuals with CHRIST'S love, and help them feel comfortable in a body of believers and get to a place where they have a personal, deep relationship with God, allowing Him to speak to their hearts in a way no human can.
For some reason, homosexuality seems to be the "ultimate" sin in the Church....even though it is clearly also taught that all sins are equal. If a homosexual lifestyle is considered a sin (which like I said, is a whole different topic here...), then why is it given a special, SEPARATE place in the hearts of those who condemn it?
When you are watching TV....in which situation are you more apt to feel saddened by the amount of sin you are watching across the screen? Would it be while watching 24, where at least 100 people are mercilessly murdered each episode, or watching a show that portrays a homosexual relationship or encounter? I, myself, am guilty for watching shows like 24 (just the first example that came to my head...a show I completely love by the way!) and being completely jaded and unaffected by the amount of death, even to the point of getting fired up and excited because the "bad guys" are getting killed! On the other hand, people are shocked and saddened when there is a homosexual scene or theme to a show. What is wrong with this picture?? Honestly, either be jaded by both shows (which I dont recommend...haha) or think about it and realize that one act is not above or below another in God's eyes.
In another example, as Dave stated in his blog...why is it okay to gloss over parts of scripture that talk about loving our neighbor and not using violence toward others, but hold firm to the parts that talk about the definition of marriage? This doesn't make sense to me! We are not in a position to pick and choose parts of the Bible to hold fast to and avert our eyes at others. Just because "everybody's doing it" and the fact that it seems to be a social norm and accepted practice doesn't make it right.
I think one reason for the fact that homosexuality is put on a different level is because it is usually a lifestyle-and in some people's eyes, a "decision" that one makes day after day. It is also a public affair, when the person decides to "come out", thus displaying it to the world whether they want to or not, rather than keeping something like an adulterous relationship or drug dependency under wraps for years so that no one will know about it. However, I think that people need to separate themselves from the black and white view of right and wrong, and use the brains that God has blessed them with, the hearts that He has provided as a channel directly to Him, and the fellowship of so many other people living the same struggles we do every day.
I did find in my research a physiological and genetic component to homosexuality. This means that it may not necessarily be the "choice" that some people think it is. No, there is no "gay gene", but there is certainly an underlying genetic predisposition to sexual issues in general, which may be played out as a pornography addiction, sexual addiction or dysfunction, or homosexuality. Just as there is a genetic component to predispose someone to be addicted to alcohol. However, in the alcohol situation, if a person doesn't touch alcohol for their entire lives, the genetic predisposition will probably not affect them. In a person with predisposition to sexual issues, it is something that will affect them day after day of their entire lives. Especially if they search for and find love-something everyone strives for.
Some churches tend to be "choosy" as to who they will open their arms to in welcome and acceptance. Do you think the church is more likely to open its doors to a person who has a problem with lying, stealing, or substance abuse...... or a homosexual? The answer to that question in most cases saddens me. No matter what your opinions are on right and wrong, or how much you disagree with someone else, we are still called to LOVE EVERYBODY. And what a horrible way to love somebody to deny them the experience of having a loving church home where they can feel accepted enough to be free and honest with God!!!
It is SO easy to point fingers at others. When its not you and your thoughts and feelings, the answers and solutions seem simple. You will tell the alcoholic "just stop drinking!" or the liar "just stop lying to people!" or the adulterer "just stop cheating on your husband!" or the homosexual "just stop having romantic feelings for members of the same sex!" However, if you have ever been in one of those situations, it is not that simple. Emotions, feelings, desires and predispositions are STRONG and are even harder to overcome than physical obstacles. And because levels of these things differ for everyone, it is impossible to know how somebody feels inside or how hard or impossible it feels for them to stop doing what they are doing. Homosexuality is not something that someone can "snap out of", and it saddens me that a lot of fundamentalists tend to see it this way. And telling a homosexual to just stop doing what feels right to them is incredibly offensive...not to mention that it will make them want to tune out the rest of what you say.
I am a huge believer in Maslow's heirarchy of needs...I feel that it applies to so many situations in this world. If you havent had psych in a few years, I'll give you this diagram below that describes what I'm talking about. The theory basically says that you MUST meet people where they're at- once people have one layer of needs met, they will be searching for and wanting the next level. An illustration of this point would be the fact that a homeless person, who has no food, shelter or safety, is not going to be receptive to a message about self-actualization or self-esteem, because they can't even think that far ahead until their basic needs are met. This works for just about every situation. This is why missionaries must meet the basic needs of the people they are ministering to- before they can even open their mouths about Jesus and God's word.
Notice that "love and belonging" is the 3rd need-right after physiological and security needs. This is HUGE. And it also means that until people feel loved and that they belong, they are not going to be open to the higher levels of soul-searching and self discovery. That being said, the church needs to EMBRACE sinners, not turn them away. Before we can even get into a discussion of right and wrong, we need to first LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Once a person has established trust, belonging and love through a body of believers, they will be more receptive and open to whatever opinions you may have about their choices or lifestyle. Think abot it....would you rather a friend tell you that you have a drinking problem, or a stranger?
Honestly, until the Church can get this part right, I don't even want to open the doors for discussion on right and wrong. Once we can find it in our hearts to love and accept PEOPLE, we can engage in deeper debates about biblical marriage and homosexuality in the context of love and trust. This doesn't only apply to homosexuality, either...it can be true across the board. It just seems that for some reason, homosexuals are getting pushed from the church because of people expressing their opinion before expressing love. And that REALLY saddens me. Because I know for a fact that Jesus loves everyone no matter who they are, and I want to show everybody that before I start discussing my disagreement with something so personal as their lifestyle and feelings.
I am not sure of the coherence of this post...it kind of came out in fragmented thoughts rather than well thought out and organized, but lets face it...I dont have time to proof-read. :) I just hope that I got my message across, and that people gathered that:
1) I am not condoning or condemning a homosexual lifestyle, (maybe my next post I'll dive into that...) but I do feel strongly that it is not simply a "choice" and that there is a huge need for sensitivity in the Church
2) I am not saying that Christians don't have a responsibility to judge, or that they should gloss over and accept things that they feel are wrong. Healthy debates are important and meangingful, however, they must be in the context of love and trust.
I suppose I should start studying for midterms now. Haha. Your thoughts?
Growing up in a family with a homosexual family member, it has always been a slightly touchy subject for me, and I was always a little scared to look into it or talk about it. When I got to college and was instructed to write a 10 page research paper on a topic, it was easy to choose, and I learned a lot through my paper and throughout the rest of college with my biology major, psychology minor and religion classes.
Bottom line: I am so ashamed of the way the Church (used loosely here) treats homosexuals. I've always been a "bleeding heart", and perhaps this is just another one of those times where I sit and think about the person and how they feel inside rather than what they do or say on the outside. I don't think the issue within the church right now is whether homosexuality is right or wrong (that can be a whole other topic for another day...), but rather how we can love homosexuals with CHRIST'S love, and help them feel comfortable in a body of believers and get to a place where they have a personal, deep relationship with God, allowing Him to speak to their hearts in a way no human can.
For some reason, homosexuality seems to be the "ultimate" sin in the Church....even though it is clearly also taught that all sins are equal. If a homosexual lifestyle is considered a sin (which like I said, is a whole different topic here...), then why is it given a special, SEPARATE place in the hearts of those who condemn it?
When you are watching TV....in which situation are you more apt to feel saddened by the amount of sin you are watching across the screen? Would it be while watching 24, where at least 100 people are mercilessly murdered each episode, or watching a show that portrays a homosexual relationship or encounter? I, myself, am guilty for watching shows like 24 (just the first example that came to my head...a show I completely love by the way!) and being completely jaded and unaffected by the amount of death, even to the point of getting fired up and excited because the "bad guys" are getting killed! On the other hand, people are shocked and saddened when there is a homosexual scene or theme to a show. What is wrong with this picture?? Honestly, either be jaded by both shows (which I dont recommend...haha) or think about it and realize that one act is not above or below another in God's eyes.
In another example, as Dave stated in his blog...why is it okay to gloss over parts of scripture that talk about loving our neighbor and not using violence toward others, but hold firm to the parts that talk about the definition of marriage? This doesn't make sense to me! We are not in a position to pick and choose parts of the Bible to hold fast to and avert our eyes at others. Just because "everybody's doing it" and the fact that it seems to be a social norm and accepted practice doesn't make it right.
I think one reason for the fact that homosexuality is put on a different level is because it is usually a lifestyle-and in some people's eyes, a "decision" that one makes day after day. It is also a public affair, when the person decides to "come out", thus displaying it to the world whether they want to or not, rather than keeping something like an adulterous relationship or drug dependency under wraps for years so that no one will know about it. However, I think that people need to separate themselves from the black and white view of right and wrong, and use the brains that God has blessed them with, the hearts that He has provided as a channel directly to Him, and the fellowship of so many other people living the same struggles we do every day.
I did find in my research a physiological and genetic component to homosexuality. This means that it may not necessarily be the "choice" that some people think it is. No, there is no "gay gene", but there is certainly an underlying genetic predisposition to sexual issues in general, which may be played out as a pornography addiction, sexual addiction or dysfunction, or homosexuality. Just as there is a genetic component to predispose someone to be addicted to alcohol. However, in the alcohol situation, if a person doesn't touch alcohol for their entire lives, the genetic predisposition will probably not affect them. In a person with predisposition to sexual issues, it is something that will affect them day after day of their entire lives. Especially if they search for and find love-something everyone strives for.
Some churches tend to be "choosy" as to who they will open their arms to in welcome and acceptance. Do you think the church is more likely to open its doors to a person who has a problem with lying, stealing, or substance abuse...... or a homosexual? The answer to that question in most cases saddens me. No matter what your opinions are on right and wrong, or how much you disagree with someone else, we are still called to LOVE EVERYBODY. And what a horrible way to love somebody to deny them the experience of having a loving church home where they can feel accepted enough to be free and honest with God!!!
It is SO easy to point fingers at others. When its not you and your thoughts and feelings, the answers and solutions seem simple. You will tell the alcoholic "just stop drinking!" or the liar "just stop lying to people!" or the adulterer "just stop cheating on your husband!" or the homosexual "just stop having romantic feelings for members of the same sex!" However, if you have ever been in one of those situations, it is not that simple. Emotions, feelings, desires and predispositions are STRONG and are even harder to overcome than physical obstacles. And because levels of these things differ for everyone, it is impossible to know how somebody feels inside or how hard or impossible it feels for them to stop doing what they are doing. Homosexuality is not something that someone can "snap out of", and it saddens me that a lot of fundamentalists tend to see it this way. And telling a homosexual to just stop doing what feels right to them is incredibly offensive...not to mention that it will make them want to tune out the rest of what you say.
I am a huge believer in Maslow's heirarchy of needs...I feel that it applies to so many situations in this world. If you havent had psych in a few years, I'll give you this diagram below that describes what I'm talking about. The theory basically says that you MUST meet people where they're at- once people have one layer of needs met, they will be searching for and wanting the next level. An illustration of this point would be the fact that a homeless person, who has no food, shelter or safety, is not going to be receptive to a message about self-actualization or self-esteem, because they can't even think that far ahead until their basic needs are met. This works for just about every situation. This is why missionaries must meet the basic needs of the people they are ministering to- before they can even open their mouths about Jesus and God's word.
Notice that "love and belonging" is the 3rd need-right after physiological and security needs. This is HUGE. And it also means that until people feel loved and that they belong, they are not going to be open to the higher levels of soul-searching and self discovery. That being said, the church needs to EMBRACE sinners, not turn them away. Before we can even get into a discussion of right and wrong, we need to first LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Once a person has established trust, belonging and love through a body of believers, they will be more receptive and open to whatever opinions you may have about their choices or lifestyle. Think abot it....would you rather a friend tell you that you have a drinking problem, or a stranger?Honestly, until the Church can get this part right, I don't even want to open the doors for discussion on right and wrong. Once we can find it in our hearts to love and accept PEOPLE, we can engage in deeper debates about biblical marriage and homosexuality in the context of love and trust. This doesn't only apply to homosexuality, either...it can be true across the board. It just seems that for some reason, homosexuals are getting pushed from the church because of people expressing their opinion before expressing love. And that REALLY saddens me. Because I know for a fact that Jesus loves everyone no matter who they are, and I want to show everybody that before I start discussing my disagreement with something so personal as their lifestyle and feelings.
I am not sure of the coherence of this post...it kind of came out in fragmented thoughts rather than well thought out and organized, but lets face it...I dont have time to proof-read. :) I just hope that I got my message across, and that people gathered that:
1) I am not condoning or condemning a homosexual lifestyle, (maybe my next post I'll dive into that...) but I do feel strongly that it is not simply a "choice" and that there is a huge need for sensitivity in the Church
2) I am not saying that Christians don't have a responsibility to judge, or that they should gloss over and accept things that they feel are wrong. Healthy debates are important and meangingful, however, they must be in the context of love and trust.
I suppose I should start studying for midterms now. Haha. Your thoughts?
9.22.2008
Can I take it back?
I start school on Wednesday. YIKES!
For SO long I have been working towards this. I studied hard (most of the time :-P) in college, did intense research into schools, took the GRE, visited schools, spent 3-4 months writing and perfecting essays, moved to Hermitage, moved to Nashville, moved to Mount Vernon, moved to Columbus, lived with both sets of my parents, got my immunizations, bought my equipment, took Pharmacology over the summer and made sure to get all my paperwork in.
For SO long, there has always been SOMETHING else on my list to do in preparation for all this, and now now....seriously....its time??
I am starting to panic a little bit. I have a bunch of friends in school...and lets just say I am NOT looking forward to being that busy again! In college, I was sooooo busy and I know this will be 100x worse.
I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to do, and now all that stands in the way of my dream is 3 years of education. Exciting, right? Yes, but even so, 3 years of year-round schooling is quite overwhelming. Am I really ready for this??
I know I am just being ridiculous, and I hope once I get "into the swing of things" the panic that is seizing my heart starts to fade a little bit. I know it will. I suppose its just the anticipation of this new beginning....and the amazement that it is actually becoming a reality after SO much time and hard work! Here we go!!!
For SO long I have been working towards this. I studied hard (most of the time :-P) in college, did intense research into schools, took the GRE, visited schools, spent 3-4 months writing and perfecting essays, moved to Hermitage, moved to Nashville, moved to Mount Vernon, moved to Columbus, lived with both sets of my parents, got my immunizations, bought my equipment, took Pharmacology over the summer and made sure to get all my paperwork in.
For SO long, there has always been SOMETHING else on my list to do in preparation for all this, and now now....seriously....its time??
I am starting to panic a little bit. I have a bunch of friends in school...and lets just say I am NOT looking forward to being that busy again! In college, I was sooooo busy and I know this will be 100x worse.
I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to do, and now all that stands in the way of my dream is 3 years of education. Exciting, right? Yes, but even so, 3 years of year-round schooling is quite overwhelming. Am I really ready for this??
I know I am just being ridiculous, and I hope once I get "into the swing of things" the panic that is seizing my heart starts to fade a little bit. I know it will. I suppose its just the anticipation of this new beginning....and the amazement that it is actually becoming a reality after SO much time and hard work! Here we go!!!
9.04.2008
Worry
One of the things I hate most about myself is how much I worry. About E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. For example...right now I am worrying about Trot. His new owner hasn't been returning my emails or phone calls lately and I'm freaking out. When Trot was with us still, I worried about him constantly. I acted like an overprotective mother (I may have had some excuse, considering my first puppy was killed in the same house...but not to the extent I worried) all the time, not ever letting him out of my sight.
I worry about things a lot of people worry about...like moving, school starting, living in a new state, finances, etc.....but I worry about things I have no business worrying about also. I worry about death a lot-not necessarily about me dying, but having people close to me dying. I watch tragedies on the news and every time realize it could have been someone I loved. Being aware of death in a sense is a good thing, because I try to treat every moment with someone as if it was my last, but the worry consumes me whole and I can't look past it. I worry about my brothers, and the lifestyles they lead, I worry about Jay driving home from work, I worry about my family and friends, I worry about everything that comes into my mind throughout the day. I'm SO tired of it. Its an exhausting full-time job that I would be happy to rid from my life.
I know the sunday school answer....and there are certainly Bible verses that come to mind that DO help me feel a little more calm amidst my deepest worrying moments....
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
An anxious heart weighs a man down….
Proverbs 12:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27
All wonderful, comforting verses. However, simply reading a verse and willing myself to trust and not worry doesn't work. It is ingrained in my personality. To some extent, having faith should begin to take away my worry, but what do I do with what's left? If I believe it hard enough, it should happen, right?
So why do I still worry?
I worry about things a lot of people worry about...like moving, school starting, living in a new state, finances, etc.....but I worry about things I have no business worrying about also. I worry about death a lot-not necessarily about me dying, but having people close to me dying. I watch tragedies on the news and every time realize it could have been someone I loved. Being aware of death in a sense is a good thing, because I try to treat every moment with someone as if it was my last, but the worry consumes me whole and I can't look past it. I worry about my brothers, and the lifestyles they lead, I worry about Jay driving home from work, I worry about my family and friends, I worry about everything that comes into my mind throughout the day. I'm SO tired of it. Its an exhausting full-time job that I would be happy to rid from my life.
I know the sunday school answer....and there are certainly Bible verses that come to mind that DO help me feel a little more calm amidst my deepest worrying moments....
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
An anxious heart weighs a man down….
Proverbs 12:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27
All wonderful, comforting verses. However, simply reading a verse and willing myself to trust and not worry doesn't work. It is ingrained in my personality. To some extent, having faith should begin to take away my worry, but what do I do with what's left? If I believe it hard enough, it should happen, right?
So why do I still worry?
8.28.2008
Patience...A lesson not learned yet.
One of my favorite things to do is look back through my old blogs....usually to see how different things were, to see how much has changed, and how much I've grown.
Sometimes, however, I find that some things haven't changed much at all. Specifically, I've found a common theme among some of my past blogs, and more importantly, one that has woven itself through my recent thoughts as well-and that is lack of patience.
No matter where I am in life, I'm always reaching and pining for the next step...and while some degree of determination and drive is good, I think that a lot of times I do it to the extent of not enjoying where I am in life, right NOW. Examples:
June 20, 2007:
"It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God."
February 13, 2008:
"So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing."
Doesn't seem like I've learned to trust God much at all, does it? My posts sound exactly the same from the past 3 years. I suppose this is a lesson I will constantly struggle with, and have to put extra energy and effort into faith and trust and LETTING GO. Haha. Hopefully one of my blog posts a year from now can bring this post up and I will talk about how great I've been doing. ;-) One can only hope!
Sometimes, however, I find that some things haven't changed much at all. Specifically, I've found a common theme among some of my past blogs, and more importantly, one that has woven itself through my recent thoughts as well-and that is lack of patience.
No matter where I am in life, I'm always reaching and pining for the next step...and while some degree of determination and drive is good, I think that a lot of times I do it to the extent of not enjoying where I am in life, right NOW. Examples:
August 08, 2005:
"I am excited to get back to school. I'm ready to be busy again, to feel like I'm working toward a goal....Its almost like I'm on hold from my future. I know I should be enjoying my time right now, and I definitely am, and there are many things that I love about college....having my friends closeby, living with Jen, not really having to worry about finding a job or making money, etc...but I am so excited to graduate, get married, apply to PA school....so on and so on. It will come. I just need to be patient." March 13, 2007: |
"It is driving me NUTS not to be able to PLAN anything. I am sooo anally detail and future oriented that I am driving myself nuts. I keep trying to look up apartments, jobs, etc. but then my dad or Jay reminds me that I can't do either of those things until we get down there. Its still too early to find a job, and we want to make sure we live near our jobs, so its too early to find an apartment/condo (we havent decided yet what we can afford...) too. Its so annoying, but I'm trying to let go and let God."
February 13, 2008:
"So in the next couple of months we are going to have a LOT of decisions to make. So if you'd keep us in your prayers, that would be great! Its so hard to trust right now because EVERYTHING seems so up in the air.
I've been trying not to play my favorite game....entitled "lets talk through scenarios A thru G" because I want to wait and see what happens. Again, God is teaching me patience, and complete trust in Him and His timing."
Doesn't seem like I've learned to trust God much at all, does it? My posts sound exactly the same from the past 3 years. I suppose this is a lesson I will constantly struggle with, and have to put extra energy and effort into faith and trust and LETTING GO. Haha. Hopefully one of my blog posts a year from now can bring this post up and I will talk about how great I've been doing. ;-) One can only hope!
8.07.2008
Sadness
Many people might think I am ridiculous for being so distraught about giving away a dog, but I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. This is so hard! So many things running through my mind....I hope he's safe and happy, I hope they are taking good care of him, I wonder if he misses me and wonders where his mom is and when she is coming back to get him...I miss him so, so much. He was my pal...he was always there when I was lonely, when Jay is away, he loved unconditionally and he trusted me completely since he was a puppy. I feel like such a horrible mother for letting him into stranger's hands. I KNOW it was the right decision....I KNOW these people will probably take good care of him, I KNOW that dogs are adaptable and he will probably be just fine, and I KNOW that when I start school I wouldn't be able to give him the time and attention he requires. Unfortunately, knowing all this doesn't heal my heart. I wish it would! I hate the disconnect between emotions and rational. I wish I could just tell my heart to put itself back together, and my overactive tear ducts to quit it. But I can't. I just have to wait for time to heal me I suppose...its not the first time I've done that.
I DO love my husband though. He may not like dogs very much, but he does love me amazingly well. He is probably the best husband in the whole world. I can't tell him enough. I can't believe we are quickly approaching our 2 year anniversary. We have been through SO much together already. 2 huge country-wide moves, living with family, new jobs and friends, and staying in touch with old friends. I wouldn't ever want anyone else by my side. I don't think I could make it in this world without him. I thank God every day that he saved him for me to marry. :)
Recognizing how blessed I am to have Jay, family and friends helps me keep perspective and helps me keep my head up despite the pain. It is hard work to keep your head up, but I am trying. And hopefully every day will get easier...
I DO love my husband though. He may not like dogs very much, but he does love me amazingly well. He is probably the best husband in the whole world. I can't tell him enough. I can't believe we are quickly approaching our 2 year anniversary. We have been through SO much together already. 2 huge country-wide moves, living with family, new jobs and friends, and staying in touch with old friends. I wouldn't ever want anyone else by my side. I don't think I could make it in this world without him. I thank God every day that he saved him for me to marry. :)
Recognizing how blessed I am to have Jay, family and friends helps me keep perspective and helps me keep my head up despite the pain. It is hard work to keep your head up, but I am trying. And hopefully every day will get easier...
8.04.2008
Have you ever googled yourself?
Hilarious cure for boredom or depression.
Picture results for "kara govoni"
I do need to mention that a lot of the pictures that came up were Dave Capozzi blog posts. After some research I realized that there is a link to my blog on his page titled "Kara Govoni"....ahh yes, it all makes sense now. :)
Picture results for "kara govoni"
I do need to mention that a lot of the pictures that came up were Dave Capozzi blog posts. After some research I realized that there is a link to my blog on his page titled "Kara Govoni"....ahh yes, it all makes sense now. :)
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